this is the day.

2010-10-15T19:59:00.000-04:00

when i'm sick of fighting my demons and
tired of living in this terrible space of regret
and complexity
i realize the weight of the world
isn't everyone else
it's my own self-inflictings
i become free and alive
ready to conquer anything because
you can't bring me down
no,
you can't bring me down.

because this freedom i've found
is more than about joining another club
it's more than shutting your mouth and
not saying the things you should
it's not about pretending that the raw thing i am
doesn't even exist
because it does.
and i'm not sorry.

we're all alright.

2010-09-21T21:53:00.000-04:00

i hate to keep saying this...

but things are so. busy.

i hardly have time to clean my room/car/dishes, or work on grad applications, or be crafty; so when i'm not sending emails/going to class/working/going to meetings/drinking beers, i'm trying to do all those other things.

it's good though! i am happy and productive. i'm doing things i care about. i'm in love with cleveland and my roommates and my million jobs and professors and everything else.

it's good.

she got
jumper cable lips
she got
sunset on her breath
i inhaled just a
little bit
now i got no fear of death.

2010-09-08T23:13:00.000-04:00

some force caught hold of me today, beneath dark skies blowing chilly weather across the earth. thrust me into autumn-feeling, an emotion i can't accurately articulate, but one that does the strangest things to me. a sort of melancholia, but not depressed. nostalgic, but not regretful. deep-feeling. so vastly deep. a little bit alone, a little bit scary, amidst infinite possibilities. it's something about the way the wind blows, the way the night feels - noticeably absent is the electric of summer. things are becoming more still and silent. like i can feel the earth starting to hibernate.

what becomes very, very present are the memories of autumns past. as if i've re-created a scene precisely, with the same sounds and sights and smells. the time, it isn't there. but the feeling is. it's eerie and a bit comforting, unsettling. wishing and even reaching a bit for those times back, watching them fall from where they came.

and so it's long car drives, my first pack of cigarettes, colored leaves creeping along that dark, beautiful cemetery. playlists of songs only appropriate for fall weather. so many conversations about life and creation and creator. romantic feelings sneaking in, or sneaking away, weighing heavier than anything else or any other time.

winter, spring, summer memories by the multitude are blurred together by season in my shoddy mind library. but i could tell you what's happened every single october since seventeen.

every year i wonder if it's going to feel the same. and every year, without fail...

2010-09-05T16:01:00.001-04:00

i went on a bike ride today. it was...unexplainably wonderful.

all of the crazy thoughts that run through my head, all of the distractions, the wanderings, the uncertainties and anxieties - it's overwhelming when the content of my thoughts are actually brought to my attention. the places of my mind begin to resemble a cluttered room, so when i search for something with purpose, i just end up tripping over all the junk on the floor or getting lost in something else. i weave through memories and scenarios and come across things that stop me from getting to where i actually want to me. noise. it just feels like a whole lot of noise.

i ride my bike, most of all, because it makes me feel free. it makes me feel free and connected to beauty and truth. i enjoy it because it pushes me to work harder. to discipline myself, to keep going even when it's hard. a large part of me constantly hopes this pushing myself will spill over into other areas of my life in which discipline hardly exists. there are so many similarities to pushing myself physically and pushing myself spiritually. doing things that are good for my body and doing things that are good for my soul.

today: so breathtaking. the sun shining and the temperatures just right enough to feel like autumn is at our doorstep. so as i rode today, i longed to feel connected to this. instead i found myself with a whole lot of noise. these thoughts that just creep into my tiny little brain and steal me from enjoying what i am doing. from being present. i wonder how much i miss because i can't seem to quiet my rambling thoughts.

and so i concentrated. i concentrated on the things i wanted to be thinking about. the way the light hits the tops of the trees. the road beneath my feet. the green of this earth - it won't be green for much longer. i thought about how i came to meet my creator. to be present and stay awhile in that presence.

then, there it was. a collaboration of silencing noise, of pushing myself and realizing how unbelievably amazing it feels to be alive. buzzing with electricity and feeling the blood inside of my fingertips. it was just magic. everything feeling the way it's intended to be. having direction and purpose. enjoying this beautiful place. laughing and crying and being created for love.

i just love that. these are the moments for me when everything, everything makes sense.

2010-08-30T00:22:00.001-04:00

this evening i had the sad task of saying farewell to two of my closest comrades. it's a real end of an era, as these two special friends have been such an integral part of my life during the past years. one of them has shown me what true beauty looks like. the other has shown me courage and humor. both of them have blessed me beyond belief.

i've never met two people who are more inclusive, who delight so deeply in sharing their love with everyone in their midst. in a dark place for me, it was these two kids who came barging in with candles and torches to light the place up. they let me confess, examine, complain, cry, trash talk, question, and agonize over and over. how they didn't get so sick of me i'll never know. but quite the contrary, they embraced my suffering and walked alongside me, lifted me up with prayers and laughter. they made sure my bucket was filled to the brim with encouragement and affirmation. and they did it together. so many endless conversations about the intricacies of this crazy life, about beauty and truth, about brokenness and redemption - their precious companionship means to me more than i could ever express with words. being given a sense of belonging - having friends as a couple who would allow me to become the definition of third wheel, it just puts such a smile on my face. who else would let some crazy girl jump in on a road trip to niagara or hang around on valentine's day, seriously?

i know that as they begin this new, so very exciting journey together, they will continue this outpouring of blessing and love. and that makes me very glad. but the selfish parts of me want to keep them forever! they are so, so wonderful. i can't say it enough. i am so blessed!

2010-08-25T23:14:00.000-04:00

whew. whirlwind.

2010-08-16T22:30:00.000-04:00

all of the ways that i am so backwards and he still fills my life to the brim with blessing and love, grace and beauty.

bestowing upon me so many breathtaking moments, like fireworks and lightning, lapping water and the stars coming out, all in the midst of life-giving conversations.

like every little piece going from fuzzy to in-focus, falling, crashing into place, perfectly put together for me to dive into. perfectly ordained.

like resting beneath the city's noises, its hanging lights and encompassing sustainability, supporting things that are everlasting, with company that is everlasting - the most comfortable, beautiful, inspiring company i know.

like being given tasks and responsibilities i know i cannot accomplish with my own means, but through him, through his presence, i have faith.

like free falling into the depths of grace.

and the ways that words don't do any of these justice.

2010-08-09T02:20:00.000-04:00

and it's home, home.

happy to have been present during the past few weeks. happy to be here again, and to be present here.

commence a whirlwind year!

2010-07-26T17:35:00.001-04:00

you know that feeling when you're away from home, as your journey begins to wind down and movement is in the midst, you really start looking forward to going back again and just getting home?

i usually feel this.

but today, after waking up, morning twelve of sleeping without an alarm clock, taking a leisurely walk to one of the four thai restaurants that are in a ten-block radius, enjoying a tasty meal with the company of a good book, a strong realization washed over me and stayed.

i happily exist here. its transition and change in my life has been so natural and comfortable that it feels like regular life to me. i could go on living like this.

i won't, because it happens to be about the most selfish decision i could make for myself right now, but i could. and i would love it.

i have always said, and have had numerous conversations with others about, the particular energy and vibe that is given off by this place. i cannot speak for others and their experiences in the northwest, but as for my own, i have been blessed to discover a tiny niche that exists. a group of individuals that has come together through so many different facets of common ground. a thread of communion has banded these people together strongly - this communion is based in bringing out the best in one another. it's mostly through creativity, through imagination that breeds fun. but there is such a childlike innocence to this fun - and a safe space that encompasses people to let guards down and just enjoy the sheer presence of life in our midst. time doesn't seem to be moving too quickly, and obligations are mingled into the routine with ease and joy, everything else just seems to float away. nothing is taken too seriously, and yet fun, carefree times are often seasoned with deep, meaningful exchanges. about the world and about one another. it's beautiful, and sometimes a bit messy, but not heavy or overwhelming.

i've been so angry and hard on myself, and i see how impractical that's been. how not life-giving it is for me and for others.

and my response many times on this journey, to things i know little about, to lifestyles and worldviews that look vastly different to my own, has simply been, there is a multitude of love to be given in this world.

and i mean it. i am learning to love humanity, to love people. to see others in the beat of their own journeys. and to intersect and align ourselves together for this small time.

i see life, life, life. and i have really been enjoying listening. and discovering.

2010-07-19T19:47:00.000-04:00

a place that encompasses me in oh so many ways.
dreary to sunlit, to dreary and back again. cycles of so much.
and i am reminded, aside deep, clean waters
to go up
and up and up
until i see the picture in entirety
instead of just the dis-satisfaction of immediacies.

and those familiar refugee sounds beckon...

2010-07-06T15:10:00.003-04:00

this is the new year.

2010-06-27T23:42:00.000-04:00

thoughts of love.
love that i can't adequately capture in words, not some silly sentiment about romance or a new pair of shoes. this kind of love that is deep, to the core of being. love that creates, that moves and breathes and blows through our lives like this strong wind, unstoppable force. it's this love that brings people together, unifies and celebrates. it's the fiber of truth and beauty, of redemption, of all the stories we love to hear and tell. it's encouragement. the lapping of water or mountainous heights, the sun shining to create beautiful days and the way those days can make you feel - it's that love. it's the love that makes you feel happy, proud to be a human. because we are capable of knowing such love and sharing it with one another. it's a love that is stronger than death, because graves can't stop the force of this love. it's a powerful love that silences violence and oppression. it turns the enemy around. love that rescues and restores, steals the breath right from our lungs. we can do nothing but stand in awe, humility in the face of this.

we know this love.

whether we acknowledge it as something bigger than ourselves, bigger than our minds can comprehend, or brush it off as a feeling, an emotion - in the stillness of our core, it is there. demanding nothing but to offer more of itself to us. to be known and to be spread. whether we yield to it or thrust it away from us - it's as saturating as the air that surrounds us.

and so what can i do? what can i do but drink deeply, acknowlege and yield and let it become me, that i may be an instrument, playing a beautiful, harmonious melody of this love.

2010-06-23T15:00:00.000-04:00

i will make them one nation in the land, on the mountains of israel. there will be one king over all of them and they will never again be two nations or be divided into two kingdoms.

2010-06-20T14:03:00.000-04:00

i have this weird pattern of feeling really, really good at the beginning of the week and then sorta not so good - freaking out about the world, etc - but the mid/end of the week. i've realized lately that it usually coincides with my own silly choices that are daily, weekly occurances. i'm going to try and pay more attention to my actions and how they negatively or positively affect my thoughts/emotions/general overall well being. seems like such a simple concept, right? and yet i feel largely like i just live my life and do things without considering how they are shaping everything about who i am. i'm a horribly impulsive creature, and moving less, stopping more is something that i really need to learn how to do. there must be some healthy balance between the two - and i am way off into mostly one direction. blerg.

in other wonderful things, alex and ryan are married and they had the best wedding i've ever attended. it was a blessing to be a part of their day. they're the greatest!

2010-06-16T12:38:00.000-04:00

last night before bed, i heard a loud, terrible noise outside the window followed by screams and yells. i wasn't too surprised, the house on the corner always has weird, crazy happenings. but i went to the window and saw a group of people frantic, yelling and talking to one another. police and ambulance arrived and,

turns out a young girl was hit by her enraged boyfriend with his car. and then backed over. in front of their friends and neighbors. she passed on the way to the hospital. i hate to say it, but seriously. what is wrong with this world?

oh god, the ache in my heart for her.

2010-06-14T09:01:00.000-04:00

my goodness. yesterday was the most wonderful day.

there's a place i know and on the rare occasions that i find myself there, i am overwhelmed by an encounter with the most wondrous creator. the thing is though that it isn't the place itself in which god dwells, that i could just go there and expect some sort of supernatural. a friend lovingly pointed out to me that the reason i always have these encounters, each and every time without fail, is because he's dwelling in the people who happen to be there at the particular time and moment i am having these encounters. people who are so open, so filled with the types of things that make humanity wonderful and beautiful - and because of that, i am stretched, challenged, blessed with wisdom and kindness and realizations that i certainly cannot find on my own. i am pulled more closely to my own humanness, which is precisely the intention. that's what we were made to be.

and so i am filled to the brim, swimming in abundance, pulled fervently in the direction of love. i am balanced and given a vision of myself exactly where i am in that moment - and the funny thing is that i'm always so much better off than i give myself credit for.

among yesterday's immeasurable revelations, a small one is that perfection offers no purpose for anyone or anything. messes and ugliness create purpose, spark imagination, creativity - what can we do with this mess? what can we do with this broken thing that can no longer be what it was, but perhaps could become something so much more? i think our first instinct with broken things is to get rid of them. but i've seen so much beauty come from trash mixed with a bit of imagination. and that resonates with my core a whole lot more than massive piles of discarded goods we no longer need.

especially when it's people we're talking about.

2010-06-03T00:32:00.000-04:00

i was going to write something about particular things i'd like to be doing right at this very moment, but instead i was struck with the thought that mostly i spend many moments day-dreaming about idealistic locales instead of finding contentment in present surrounding. like for example right now (and most often usually) i want to be walking outside in the city of roses, slow and steady, admiring the blossoms and bright colors i know are there (because it's been raining every day since october); i want to be listening to the stillness in the summer's beginning. instead i am sitting on my couch in the middle of the country, where one can't really walk anyplace significant. there's nothing wrong with this moment, and perhaps someday in my life i will think back to moments exactly like this and i will long for them, aching in my heart for familiarity and a sort of comfort that is found here.

desires are funny, strange things, aren't they?

i've been learning a lot about the timing in fulfilling such desires.

and timing is everything.

so for now, i'll sit here on this couch in the middle of the country, with the ease that is home in a region that i really do love, and i'll think of another place in fondness, hoping to see open arms for me someday soon.

but not today.

2010-05-28T23:36:00.000-04:00

caught somewhere between sodom and gommorah and calvary.
the closer i get, the harder the fall and its
a really really long way down.
and there's a big difference.
i'm thankful, more than my mind can even comprehend, to be caught by hands of grace.
we're all caught and
it's the only thing we have.
the only thing
i have.
but i hate the realization that
the path to hell is paved with...
people like me.

2010-05-24T00:08:00.002-04:00

so i normally don't post anything in my blog with real people reading it in mind, but my church has been doing this co-exist series and one of the topics was catholicism. my pastor andy asked for some insider secrets (you know, opus dei, illuminati, anything you'd read about in a dan brown novel type stuff that only catholics know about). and anyway...i was excited for the opportunity to share my thoughts because it's something that is close to my heart - the catholic/protestant relationship is very much woven into who i am. so i wrote a lot about the things i see within the church that i wish others who know little about catholicism would understand (namely protestants, as i feel this is where the most debate and conflict against the church occurs) and also ways i continue to be moved by my catholic upbringing. andy encouraged me to share what i sent him with others as well, and since it's important to me, i thought i would.

note there's a few tongue-in-cheek comments throughout, i'd hate for sarcasm and light jest to be mis-interpreted as insensitivity.

- Roots and Tradition

The Catholic roots are deep, they stem from Christ. All principles the Church was founded on was established by these early church fathers. There is a strong unity that has always been present, connects a people to their past, grounded in doctrine that dates back to Christ. (While I see problem that creates – loss of relevance, things that become obsolete due to time, etc. there is still good here). There is a beauty, reverence in those traditions. There is a sacredness that is a part of the way Catholics worship through the mass. There is a connectedness to the past – I feel like it becomes a heritage. These are my people, in a way. It can be related to the Jewish faith – the Israelites were the people of God, His followers, in the same way, the Catholic Church became the universal following of Christ. Like Israelites, the Catholic Church has a lot in its history in which it has strayed from God – and those ways are still ever-present, but that doesn’t necessarily mean Catholics still cannot be considered a people of God. (Unlike the Israelites, they’re obviously not the only people of God, but for the metaphor’s sake…you get it.) And for the Israelites, in addition to them following God’s commands (i.e. the scriptures), where they came from and where they are rooted has huge implications to who they are and where they are going. Obviously, the rule ‘this is how it’s always been done, therefore, this is how it must always be’ isn’t acceptable, but I believe that so many things a part of the Catholic faith are really rooted in deep truths that were established by the first Christians.

Another really big thing about this tradition is that with scriptures – there have been years and years of groups of people studying and interpreting and wrestling with scripture. There is little room for anyone to completely go off the deep end and misconstrue scripture like we see happening today in areas of Christianity, because scripture study really becomes communal in the Catholic Church.

Anyway, being raised in the faith – although there are numerous ways that I felt no relevance within the church whatsoever, I was still raised with having this reverence and awe, even though I didn’t know why. I often say that in spite of my Catholic upbringing I still found Christ, because it didn’t exactly lead me there, but now that I have faith, I look back on those Catholic traditions and see an incredible amount of significance and beauty present, stuff that really is holy and good.

Speaking of sacred stuff, the Catholics really are all about keeping things sacred – they have the sacraments, which, when understood, are really beautiful and essential to living a life of faith.

- Confession

I know this is sort of a hot button issue with the big Catholic/Protestant debate, but I definitely side with Catholics on this one. I totally get the not believing a person can absolve you of your sins, only God can absolve you of your sins thing (and who do Catholic priests think they are, God?!), however – Christ scripturally gives us (everyone) the authority to forgive sins, I really believe this is an incredible way to keep its congregation accountable in a way that is completely confidential, unbiased, and freeing. I believe that God created us as ritual people for a reason, and he put us in community in order that we would be able to understand His character (if we had no frame of reference for love, hearing God loves us would mean nothing) and I think that there is something that happens inside of us when we can tell someone our junk, the ways that we’ve wronged one another and God – and visibly watch their reactions, hear their insight, and then audibly be reassured through one another that God does forgive us, loves us, we are absolved of our sins. I don’t think most priests I know believe that they’re given some sort of magical power to absolve us lowly people’s sins, in fact, I think they’re very humbled by it. It’s a powerful thing. And it makes it easier on people – because they don’t have to worry that someone they confide in is going to air their dirty laundry or that they’ll be kicked out of their congregation if they’re up front about the things they’ve done – priests are under such strict vows that are taken so seriously, as leaders of their church, it’s definitely a beautiful model of the head of a church taking on the sins of its congregation and presenting them to God as Christ did.

- Service/missions

Catholics are on the forefront of social justice – this isn’t to say that there aren’t so many protestants involved in missions, but Catholics have such an incredible array of hands and feet all over the world. I think the big difference is that (and whether or not this is a good thing is debatable) many Catholic Churches and organizations that are working around the globe are doing so with a focus of service – people who need food, shelter, care, education, etc. – while I think the protestant focus can often lend itself to evangelization, which is really good, but begs the question – it’s good that people now know Christ and can go to heaven someday, what are we doing for their lives right now?

- Vocations

This is maybe weird, but I really, really think it’s cool that the Catholic Church still maintains vows for celibacy. I know it’s gotten sad and corrupted with horrible scandals, but I think at the heart of this, it is something really good and powerful (and perhaps why it is under so much attack?). There is certainly scriptural basis for this, and I really love the idea of a person feeling called to devote their entire life to ministry – their mission becomes their primary and only focus. I certainly don’t think there’s one right or correct way to lead a church, but there is something about a person who feels that the best way to serve Christ is through serving His people in the same way Christ did.

- Prayers

A very wise Catholic I know once stood up to say a prayer at a public event. Before he began, he said, “I never address the Almighty Deity in public without honoring Him first through preparation,” and he took out a piece of paper that he’d written his prayer on. There’s something to say about a prayer here and there that has been thought out, meditated on, carefully constructed – Catholics are really good at this. Some of the most beautiful, insightful, deep prayers I’ve ever read or heard have been ones that have come from Catholic prayer books. There’s a book by Brian McLaren where he’s talking about this same idea and he sort of pokes fun of how the spontaneous prayers use the word ‘just’ about a bazillion times.

- Philosophical/theological

If I’m going to give a really extreme generalization of Catholics versus Protestants, I’d have to say that Catholics have the brain and Protestants have the heart. Catholics are so great at the doctrine and the really deep stuff and the intellect, but often neglect to factor in the heart and emotion behind humanity – the stuff that makes us able to even know God in the first place. Most Catholics I know that are really invested in their faith are that way because of some sort of reason or fact or truth or series of reasons and facts and truths presented to them that made sense. It’s usually not some moving, emotional experience they had at bible camp in sixth grade. Anyway, both are equally important and essential to faith.

- Seasons

This past Easter was the first Easter in my entire life I didn’t do Catholic-y things, and my eyes were completely opened to something really awesome. This kind of goes back to the whole tradition/sacraments thing, but I realized, as I went through lent and leading up into Holy Week – Catholics totally take the liturgical calendar seriously, and they do so in such a way that they allow themselves different seasons for worship, grieving, reflection, repentance, etc (once again, much like the Israelites) and lent is the period of mourning. It’s little stuff during lent, like exiting mass in silence and reflection, removal of flowers and life during Holy Week, the re-enactment of the passion of Christ. All up to Holy Thursday – the last supper, and Good Friday, in which I have memory upon memory of from my childhood – dark church, somber music, all around feeling of sorrow, like being at a funeral. Which made me realize – mostly, Protestants are all about the resurrection. It’s awesome. So totally awesome. But there isn’t a resurrection without a death. And for some reason, Catholics really resonate with the sufferings of Christ, from displaying the crucifix in church to mourning on Good Friday, so much so that there is a really deep sort of understanding into it. It got me thinking about rhythms and seasons and there being a time for everything – I think the Catholic Church, although subtly, really pays attention to that and allows a purpose for each season. There’s a great deal of preparation and careful consideration that goes into everything that is done.

On the other side, I do have qualms with the Catholic Church, but it’s what everyone else already knows and hears about. The leadership thing sort of rubs me the wrong way. I sort of understand it, and I think it’s a really good idea in theory – (having the head of a church to be the example of Christ for everyone) sounds awesome, but in actuality, gets messy and weird, because people aren’t Christ, no matter how hard they try, etc. And the Mary thing freaks me out, but that’s sort of a personal struggle, and all I have to say in relation to Protestantism is that at least Catholics acknowledge and celebrate women in scripture. But mostly - in maintaining tradition and ritual, there’s a lack of creativity and innovation in the Catholic Church that I see and feel. So it’s easy for God to become static. Stuck in a certain place at a certain time, and that’s the only place we can find Him dwelling. I definitely can’t get down with that. However, on a much more specific and personal level, there is life and creativity and innovation flowing through individual followers of Christ all over the world, both Catholic and Protestant. I can’t imagine what would happen if all the good stuff from Catholicism and all the good stuff from Protestantism were to morph into one. We’d have the roots and tradition holding hands with the relevance and innovation. We’d have the intellect and the emotions together. We’d have sacredness with creativity. We’d have an amazing Jesus superpower, like when all the Power Rangers would morph into that one giant thing and defeat evil.

But I guess ultimately, just wish more Protestants would be open to seeing the good parts about Catholicism. Because there is so much good there. And there are so many good people, who are sowing seeds into the kingdom of heaven there. It seems to me that overall in the Protestant community, the Catholic Church is all evil, all bad, even the establishment for the anti-christ (which seems a bit fanatic, to say the least) and so everything about it is completely disregarded, from beginning to end. And that’s sad because like it or not, it’s where we all in this present time and place, Catholic or Protestant, came from, and it’s a disservice to us as the church to completely disregard all that. There’s plenty of bad stuff. But there’s plenty of bad stuff all over Christianity. I think we should be able to pick apart the good stuff from the bad and mix it all together into our beliefs.

so that's that. in addition to an amazing discussion that andy led at church this evening. i really love having a wonderful friend and teacher who encourages messy conversations in order to be able to work through differences to see bigger and better things, to become closer to the heart of christ. i love these things that promote growth, stretching of boundaries in all of us. i want to be a part of building bridges. because god didn't send his son to condemn the world, but to save it.

2010-05-13T01:41:00.002-04:00

things are nutty. between helping with wedding planning and showers, associated parties, new job things, old job things, getting ready to move all my junk from one home to another, craziness trying to register classes for fall, grad school looming overhead, summer adventuring planning (which has dwindled to a mere flicker), juggling between family things and friend things and everything else things - i am overwhelmed.

i normally like being busy, but i guess the past two years hasn't really lent itself to any sort of time management or much planning beyond a few weeks. being overwhelmed probably isn't a good reason not to plan for the future, but this is sort of why i really enjoy flying by the seat of my pants. no deadlines, no time commitments. no worrying that if i fail, i'll be letting people down or seriously screwing things up. yeah, that's probably not the best. a list of things i need to get better at...

and i kinda just want to go camping.

2010-05-12T00:40:00.002-04:00

i had a dream
that i could fly
from the highest tree
i had a dream.

2010-05-06T00:20:00.000-04:00

something about drops of water coming from the sky in sheets so you can't see, about bright flashes of light and big rumbling noises that just turns me into a little kid again. it's exciting and scary and striking with awe and fear and everything all mixed into one.

it makes me feel alive, and i really like that feeling.

i think of growing up in muggy summer nights, ominous greens and clouds breaking at the brim of electricity. i think of bowling jokes, argument jokes, mythological tales told. the smell of rain and release, the feeling of the earth being cleansed and made new, fresh.

i always think as well of my first night in a foreign city, sleeping in a strange bed in a strange room. i think of that first night with its tumultuous storm and its thunder like i've never heard thunder before. rolling as if you could actually see it rippling through the sky, lasting and lasting and lasting. the loudest, longest sounds. i loved the sound of that thunder because it scared me, the anticipation of it coming with its blaring voice, knowing the jump you're about to have. yet at the same time, it was soothing, comforting - comforting to know that creation is powerful, and its creator. when i think of fearing i think of that kind of fear - that good kind, because it's soothing and exciting and so beautiful.

sometimes i love the way the world works.

2010-05-02T23:32:00.002-04:00

he is our hope
he is love
he knew us before we knew ourselves
he is truth
he is justice
he is
el elyon

selah.

2010-05-01T12:44:00.000-04:00

la la la.
i'm excited about the future.
and something about being on the up and up.

2010-04-27T02:06:00.000-04:00

beating drums make beating hearts feel alive, and that energy is all i need, really.
oh lord, around your throne, that's a crazy big thought i can't even comprehend.
because talking about mlk and then not actually practicing what you're preaching must be the silliest thing ever;
perhaps that happened so we could see the contrast
because
are my hands clean?
and i was not made to sit
in front of a computer screen all day, it sort of crushes my soul.
the way that things pull me in and i'm invested and being invested means that if things fail, you've wasted all you've put into it. that should be okay. i want that to be okay. but just a little bit of me just wants to sit back and not have to worry about it. oh lord.
so i can do the dishes, but i can't get much of anything else right. so much for living like there's a resurrection. so much for like i want to.
are my hands clean?

2010-04-19T08:49:00.001-04:00

you find me in the night
oh, let me tell you
you hold me in the night
let me tell you
the sun will rise
i am lovesick
the sun will rise
no other love is destined
i will return
for my heart
to my first love
come on, ravish my heart
i will return
oh, let me tell you
to the one who loves me
let me tell you.

like a deer pants, like a deer pants, so my soul...

2010-04-17T17:22:00.000-04:00

i want to learn how to be in love with you.

2010-04-15T00:58:00.000-04:00

had a wonderful weekend road trip to boston. one of the best six-hour long conversations i've had in a long time, the green of spring blossoms, stretching after being in a car for so long, the best veggie burger i've ever tasted and baaahsten accents, steveo and mare bear reunion, how much i love that guy. getting to know old faces a bit better, reminiscing, reminiscing - remember the time? getting silly and singing africa, freestyling and falling, beautiful sunshine and breezy weather that can cure any ailment, ponds and swans and the way branches bend. a holocaust memorial so beautiful, seeing baby seals for free, tasty cannolis, home made moroccan feast and some of the best food i've ever had, bellys full of mint tea, prayers in espanol, communal food coma induced naps through movies, more beautiful weather, blossoms and more blossoms, the warmth of your friend's childhood house, windy roads and long drives set to music.

so wonderful, thankful, so blessed. so very blessed.

everything else is sort of feeling like a whirlwind right now. feels like playing monster with a two and four year old, chasing around and around the house, running with feet so fast, around corners and through furniture. and suddenly we all meet, laughing and screaming and out of breath, i catch them, one in each arm, around their chests. timeout! i'll say, and we'll stand there together. take a deep breath! i'll say. and we all stop panting for a moment and inhale deeply, filling ourselves, quiet and still. we let it out slowly and then someone shouts go! and we go again, running and chasing and not stopping. but i need that moment to come, i need to be caught, to be commanded. time out! take a deep breath! to stand in stillness and quiet. just for a moment.

2010-04-08T02:41:00.000-04:00

continuing the months-long process of de-cluttering my life, i came upon many nostalgic inducing things this evening going through junk in my room. times pass and things change and for some reason, it leaves me unsettled sometimes. silliest things like directions, library reciepts. lots of letters. remember when you said those things that are no longer applicable? words frozen in time. i have the tendancy to want to remember every little thing, even if it's not a pleasing memory. realizing that some things are good to forget, some things aren't worth tangible reminders. memory may fail, and perhaps that's not so bad.

not to mention the way i went back in time last night. so the story goes, but it won't get me down. i still know i'm going somewhere. and forward in time, not backward. realizing some things aren't good to forget.

put your ear close and hear the faint chattering of the songs that are to come.

2010-03-30T00:11:00.004-04:00

i missed church yesterday, palm sunday. it bothered me, more than it should have perhaps, but got me thinking about this season in general and why it feels so important to me. i think about growing up catholic, about somber, solemn churches, stations of the cross in the rain, with triumphal entries and whips and crowns of thorn and darkness. images flicker through my head - doing stations of the cross every friday through lent in grade school. a snapshot scene from a movie i must've seen as a child - it's the part where pilate is asking the crowds who he should release, and they're all shouting 'barrabas! barrabas!' and there's mary, screaming at the top of her lungs, crying, 'jesus! jesus!'. or the quietness of the church on good friday, silence so thick that it could swallow you whole. heavy like fog, like struggling to breathe, like weights on your shoulders. even as a kid, you knew it wasn't the time to eat your cheerios loudly, or play on the kneelers or color in your coloring book. you didn't know why, but it was serious, it was a funeral. year after year, the same heaviness grows in the air for forty days, culminating into this one week. this one week that changed everything.

i wasn't one of those kids who got it. it took me years to know god. growing up i merely went through the motions, not because i didn't have a longing for god, but because i simply didn't know that longing existed. but even so. even so, holy week is so prominent in my mind, for its heaviness, its uncomfortability - as it should be. can you imagine that last week? so intense, the climax of christ's life - riding in on a donkey, the crowds, the excitement of it all. the disciples must have felt so cool, so popular, walking in behind jesus. there must have been intimate moments, even though they didn't know they only had a few days left, jesus knew - there must have been a closeness during those last days. jesus washing their feet, celebrating passover with them. and finally the garden, the dark of that night, the chaos, confusion, terror. and so on the story goes. i didn't get it then, but i recognize it now - i was participating in something sacred all those years. something holy - a holy story, a holy mourning, truly grieving the death of christ. nevermind the resurrection - because in those moments, the catholics got it. it's almost like they choose to forget that christ rose - they forget what's coming on sunday. rather, we're the disciples, peter, john, matthew. we're the weeping women, we're mary and joseph, and our worlds have just crumbled around us. we're standing amidst the debris, mouths open, hands at our sides - dumbfounded, confused, broken, numb. our jesus has died - and we don't know about the resurrection yet. our minds have just been scourged with horrible scene after scene - arrested in the garden, beaten by the guards, questioned by pilate, more beating, more questions, the heavy cross, the dusty road, nails, tears, brokenness, death. i can't actually say i know what that would feel like - what it would feel like to stand by as your entire world crumbled around you. but i've had some awful times, mornings you wake up and for a few seconds, forget that everything is hell. and then you remember and it's a stomach dropping moment, having to remember it all over again, trick yourself into thinking maybe all the bad stuff isn't real. i bet it felt a lot like that. for two days, it felt like that.

and so although i now live most of my life in the middle, not quite catholic, not quite anything with labels - holy week. holy week, i want the dark church. i want the heaviness in the air, the frightening silence, the feeling of chaos. i long for those traditions. i can't quite explain why. it just feels right to me. i want to walk that story, to live it, know it. i want to grieve. because yes, christ rose, but for two days, he didn't. and for two days, those followers knew what it would feel like if he never had. and although it's good again, although it gets better than ever before, i doubt those followers ever forgot what those two days felt like. and that's a part of our story. it's a part of our story that i don't want to forget either. because what's resurrection without death?

2010-03-27T01:23:00.000-04:00

the weather's nice, and out of hibernation brings back those high soaring birds, majestic and regal. they're flying to remind me: up and up and up. because i have a bad habit of turning my telescope into a microscope.

like a bowl of oranges.

2010-03-19T02:05:00.000-04:00

it only feels like a game if you're letting yourself be moved, rather than doing your own moving
rather than going back and back to see a bigger picture
rather than having a consistency.
instead of letting the way you feel on any particular day dictate your relationship with the creator of everything
those little eyes can see.
and sometimes it's okay to fake it til you make it.

i just want to learn how to praise endlessly.

2010-03-15T23:00:00.000-04:00

a bit torn about the way things are. it feels like instead of my perpetual one step forward, two steps back i've now graduated to two steps forward, one step back. which is progress, but disappointing progress at that. and i see that slow and steady path, i see my calm, calculated steps, like a chess piece gliding across its board. i hate when it goes from carefree and good to feeling like a game with rules that are hard and fast, no room for bending. i usually find solace somewhere between the grey and the black and white, if such a place exists. but lately i've just been feeling stretched out along the two, the difference between stones and branches. trying to break things that don't, and hold things that won't.

i just want to find a rhythm, something i can move to, something i can breathe in deeply and sing to. something that is measured and contained with notes and patterns, but free enough to create a little chaos.

watching the cards fall, let's measure up to more, shall we?

2010-03-12T02:31:00.000-05:00

the sound of rain on the rooftop.

2010-03-10T15:49:00.000-05:00

i think we got a chance to make it right
if we keep it loose, and keep it tight.

...but where are we running to?

2010-03-07T19:30:00.000-05:00

brights and blues that my eyes haven't seen in a good while with birds chirping, bouncing about and dreary branches shaking off their blankets and stretching their arms up high to those blues, everything coming out of hibernation. including me - three good outdoor runs this week, those mean streets of painesville have been good to my feet. enjoying the luxury of sidewalks. a week full of sun, full of activity and full of more love than i thought could come from the two little (gigantic) pooches i stayed with, cuddly and following me around every place i go. a skiing adventure with two fun guys and feeling better than i have in a very long while, feeling best. coming home to mail (my favorite) from rachael (my favorite), bringing memory after memory of so many wonderful faces that i can hardly contain my love for. aching, but it's a good aching, that comes from such fondness, from such love for those faces that are scattered far away for now, but that warm me to the soul. yes, these things make me feel and know this is a heart that is beating alive, so alive and full of life. i love that feeling. being in love with the world. this week, it's been a break from routine, from normalcy, and is it just the sun and warmth? or a combination of all these wonderful things coming together, blessing after blessing.

i'm itching for spring, itching for march, april, may. such good!

2010-03-06T23:45:00.001-05:00

whoa, dear savior
gonna take my cares away
gonna take my cares
gonna carry my cares
gonna take my cares away.

i had a perfect day.

2010-03-01T23:38:00.000-05:00

i was alone in the wilderness
when you showed me faithfulness

i have so much love, so much love to give.
finding solace like never before in the way the lord works everything for good. the way he works plans, the kind that aren't for destruction. saying those words time upon time before, saying them so that i would believe them instead of because i believed them. but believing them now, because what's left to lose? i've tried every way else. i'm tired of that and alive in him. the one who calls us is faithful. gosh, isn't that just the best thing i've ever heard.

smiling, laughing. finding it. being close.

2010-02-28T00:07:00.000-05:00

perhaps i've just been more tuned in - but the feeling of sacredness, holy things happening every place - it's striking. standing around a fire, walking up the hilly road, the way the snow has been falling for two days without stop, the soundtrack that's been present. keeps me from getting too far into these winter blahs. but for one second, i just want to play outside in my bare feet, really...

march is nearly here.

2010-02-25T15:08:00.002-05:00

i was up high, above white, fast and freeing - with wind blowing faster and colder, stinging my face like i've not felt before. it was there i felt alive, i felt something i cannot express with words - an ominous sky growing colder and more miserable, ready to burst forth its storm, and that moment was made for me. for me, from you, so that i may know i am free and alive, i'm not scared of anything, i'm infinite in you, i face no defeat. we are fearfully and wonderfully made, i'll shout from the tops of mountains and from the bottoms of valleys. we are here with fistfuls of dreams and longings for you, for more and more of you, reaching and stretching to give ourselves to you. we stop only for brief moments, when flesh gets the best of us and we pull back, afraid, comfort in darkness. only to realize flesh pales, dims, dies away fast in comparison to your breathtaking, torch-bearing ways.

and this heart inside of my chest, has it ever swelled so much for you? have i ever been so eager for your comings and goings inside of my tiny life? i want it - even if its adversity, even if my body aches and breaks in a million different ways, even if it means every fear and hesitation coming to fruition - as long as it means you, i want it. it's never so clear, so perfect as that - it's you.

in messy, awkward ways, in broken beating ways. in darkness, in misery and pain, in agonizing and humiliating ways. make me yours with love and grace, endless, glorious mercies.

thankful for these eyes you've given me to see your beautiful sights. they're nearly too much in these moments. as you hover close, i close my eyes in the midst of so much love.

2010-02-24T00:37:00.001-05:00

i'll have words someday soon, but until then it's mostly these songs. a few were inspired by my southwestern friend who has impeccible taste and likes to share. pretty sounds, aches for springtime.

2010-02-17T23:58:00.002-05:00

help me to learn that my ways aren't as high as your ways.

2010-02-15T00:56:00.000-05:00

spent my valentine's day getting coffee with darja, crying my little eyes out (full on, sobbing in my car while driving) over a beautiful story heard on vinyl cafe, realizing how much i hate getting gas (it means i should stop driving/having a car i think), sharing a delicious meal with one of the bestest human beings in the world: rashad, visiting with refugees for about a minute, and hanging out with the only couple that never makes it awkward.

spent my pre-valentine's day, among other things, watching full metal jacket right before going to bed, followed by a terrible dream in which most people i lived with in a fictional house were brutally massacred by two crazy guys. yep, awesome.

but things are good. we are blessed.

2010-02-13T01:52:00.000-05:00

after all these years, mewithoutyou. i recently read a post i wrote about them a really long time ago where i said i liked them best because "i feel like this guy isn't bullshitting me". that's what it is, most of all.

i like this poem.

and i like to imagine what a hammer sounds like against a giant pane of glass inside of the dead stillness of night. shattering. i see the swing and the hard metal hitting its invisible barrier, pieces of glass suspended in the air for moments of time and scattering, scattering, that cracking and loudness and crashes, crashes, hitting one another as they fall and...it's beautiful. it gives me the chills.

i'm not sure how i feel about much lately. it's a lot of mental working throughs. it's sort of a loss of words, not knowing what to say. but i guess it kind of sounds like glass breaking.

2010-02-10T00:46:00.000-05:00

"Each of us should embrace our own personal story and bring it to God to see what He will do with it. The good news is He will give us grace that will have the same impact as if we had never been broken."

some thoughts on the idea of damaged goods.

beautiful days, good friends, gracious god. i couldn't want anything more.

2010-02-06T16:42:00.000-05:00

trying to recall the times this week that i experienced god.
under dim lights, tucked into a corner amidst conversation and words i had to hear, because i forget so quickly.
in a circle with prayers, lifted upwards for selflessness, dying. messy and hopeful. eager eyes, open wide.
running, running, running.
sounds that make my soul burn.

i really like this, especially the guy that really likes it in the video. and its like they're all sitting there and thinking, i know! there aren't any words, but we all know how this song makes us feel, especially at this moment in time right here. it's unbelievable! but mostly that guy. i just love that guy.

2010-02-02T02:04:00.000-05:00

everything we put ourselves into should be for the discovery of the kingdom.
- an idea taken from night trains in thailand, beautiful. as i remember, i ask: is everything i do, seek, emulate - for the discovery of the kingdom? for the relevation of christ's love? is it for others, to display god's glory? hardly. most things are self-seeking, self-glorifying, for my own gain, for what i feel i need to do to be more interesting, more attractive, more in love with myself. it's disgusting, how many things i do/say/think out of love for myself.

that dying to yourself thing has taken me on much deeper of a journey than i ever realized when i first heard it four years ago. obviously i need to make it go deeper. much, much deeper.

2010-01-31T01:01:00.001-05:00

how can you rid yourself of bitterness that's long set in? that's been rooted, a part of who you are for most of your living years? when it's the same old story, when the thing you need the most is the thing that doesn't exist, when those deep questions of your soul have gone long unanswered, with no resolve in sight?
no one's ever said the words you needed to hear...say them, please?
get behind me...

2010-01-28T13:19:00.001-05:00

some lately inspirations:

the cinnamon peeler
gosh, the passion in this
a delightful song
or two
the way the wind blows the snow in twirls and dances
african faces
the hopefulness of blooming trees, green grass, bird's songs, dead coming alive again - resurrection.
and this prayer:
"for this reason i kneel before the father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. i pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his spirit in your inner being, so that christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. and i pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of god."

2010-01-25T01:35:00.000-05:00

although i know it's playing tricks on me, i was struck suddenly last night with the feeling of the coming spring, brought on by the warm, gentle breeze that accompanied the evening. feeling the seasons is so weird, like nostalgia. and even in january, stale life peeks its eyes open, for just a few moments, to remind me what's coming, and what it feels like. it's surprising and familiar, something that cannot be realized until it's reminded us. yes, that's what you feel like, spring. i'd nearly forgotten. and my mind flashes with a dozen early spring nights just the same, melting snow, thick air, fog all around. that sensation hits me hard every time, insists on reminding me of its seasons past. sometimes it's so strong it feels like deja vu.

but don't worry. it will be winter again by the end of the week.

2010-01-20T01:20:00.001-05:00

past few days have been fulfilling. great community, great blessings, great god. i've been working out solid for the past two weeks now, which is good. really good. i feel outstanding. it's amazing how many things we don't realize affect how we feel. like exercise. and not having smoke in our lungs. i want to train for this triathlon i found in september, as a reward to my body for quitting cigs. i've also cut meat out of my diet again (mostly, except for the bacon i had the other night that proceeded too many drinks) and although i've never been super hard and fast about that, i'm finding a new appreciation for tofu, and working at a restaurant where everything can come veg, it's not as hard.

while at first glace it sounds (and i sometimes feel) these things are superficial, my intentions truly lie within the discipline. in needing so much discipline spiritually, i can only hope that practicing it physically will encourage me further, and help fuel my soul forward. it's the only thing i need anyhow.

thinking about how much love i have for those little kids i babysit for, how much i miss my morris friends, how my heart goes out to so many people and places and things right now.

favorite memory this moment: october mornings, wrapped in blankets, hot cup of tea, morris porch, sight and sound of birds on the wires and in the trees. if i close my eyes, i can almost feel those mornings exactly.

ever since my house burned down, i see the moon more clearly.

2010-01-16T16:01:00.000-05:00

oh my goodness, i've forgotten about this.

www.ashesandsnow.com

visually breathtaking, and the most amazing beautiful written word. ah yes.

2010-01-12T01:06:00.000-05:00

do you know where the inspiration to wash the feet of the twelve came? do you understand that, by love alone, your god became your slave in the upper room?

teach me love like that.

2010-01-11T23:36:00.002-05:00

where've i been lately? i sometimes can't believe how quickly time moves things along, yet emotions make things seem like they will be the same way forever.

in reflection, 2009 was the best year of my entire life. yes, the best. i've never in my life experienced how much our joy is our sorrow, never have seen visually the strength in christ that i possess, never have realized more fully his outstanding grace, mercy, redemption - and the tremendous beauty that lies in each of those facets. i have never, for the past six years, been without the narrowest of tunnel vision that was the culprit to so many of my heartbreaks and wrong feelings of worthlessness, until this splendid year. i've never been so confident in who i am, in the things i want for my life, in the dreams that are mine alone. after these years of feeling so wrong, i finally feel like perhaps, maybe, i am right. it's not perfect, as nothing is, but i'm also realizing how the deep-seeded things of me still need to be worked through, and they bear challenges i'm finally more than willing to face head on.

my cousin said something beautiful last night about the season of preparation. that's here, it's where i am.the past months have been a struggle for me, being ready and willing to start on adventures and excitment and things of the like, simply because i am restless, because i am scared, because i am uncertain. but i realize more and more that there is a purpose for here and now, and it is really exciting. there are certain steps i know i must take in order to get to other places. that is what this is for.

this year i will use the determination i have to build the discipline i lack and accomplish the things that are essential to my being, to my soul. i will master and overcome the things that hold me from more.

it's been twenty-three years, i'm eager for a change.

recycling old thoughts, part 1

2010-01-05T15:14:00.000-05:00

i think it is very interesting, the way that we're creatures who resort to things of the past when our lives are unpleasant. the things that once made us smile and laugh, the things that filled our life with comfortability and completeness. and it amazes me, the way we'll go back to that one song, that one place, that one person, searching for a feeling of the past, and yet become dissapointed when we can't get it back again. as if going back will ever help us move forward. and realizing that there was a reason, in the first place, we'd moved on. we grow up. grow out of our old skin. change and change. things won't ever be what they once were. but most often, that is a very good thing.

2010-01-04T01:52:00.005-05:00

ride out the storm, take on the wave
don't run, run, run.
wind's gonna blow, and the ground's gonna shake,
then it's gone, gone, gone.

song lyrics, meh. how lame. mmm but this is so passionate and sweet-sounding. hi january, when did you come on so quickly? can't believe its you again. and i've never felt so uncertain, so passionate, i've never felt so young. it seemed at that instant, i remembered the things i forget when i'm jaded - the things that inspire my soul. i'm thankful for at least that reminder. things have been fleeting faster and faster lately, leaving me just as quickly as coming about. and i'm left with fingers-wrapped, around hours and minutes and moments that are just stuck inside of the way that time goes. but here, i know all the things i think i want at any instant couldn't hold a single small flame to you, to your raging bright forest fires of grace and mercy. i miss you. i may have a bad memory, but i never forget how much i miss you when you aren't around. when i'm not around. oh big heart.

if i ask you tenderly, will you follow me down to the river?

2009-12-29T01:23:00.003-05:00

i've felt...

a lot of things lately, i suppose, but the looming feeling is unease. maybe someone else should be in charge for awhile, because i don't feel very qualified. most of me feels like a snapshot - i'm five or six, dressed up in adult's clothes. you can practically hear the thumping of nearly hollow shoes on the floor that swallow my feet right up. my arms are lost in the lengths of a sleeves-too-long shirt as four tiny pale fingers have found their way out of the tangled fabric just enough to hold up the waist attached to a flowing skirt. billowing across the floor, long past forgotten knees and ankles and everything else. there's a hat, all askew atop of my head, swallowing most parts of my face as it falls in every direction. my other hand is reaching through all that extra blouse, pushing the giant hat up, just enough to reveal a smile and a look that's caught in between being joyful and concentrating hard to navigate through chaos. i'm perpetually at that state of nearly toppling over, as i try to keep all my pieces in tact along the way.

but, largely, just unqualified. the more i feel like i'm supposed to be becoming refined, wrought with life experience and maturity, more appreciative because of a deeper understanding, the more i just feel like i'm becoming calloused. callousness won't get me anyplace worth being. perhaps i should just go make a snow angel and remember that it's good to be hopeful and have eyes fully capable of seeing beauty.

2009-12-27T12:36:00.000-05:00

If we want to be agents of change and love, we must become what Switchfoot frontman Jon Foreman calls "a ruthless idealist." You see the world that you want to live in and you live it out. You live as if that world has always been possible. Where love is the highest goal. Where grace restores. Where transformation is a daily way to live. Where passion for the love and redemption is the reason we breath.

i've been accused of being an idealist a time or two, or thousand. maybe my filter isn't so skewed, after all.

2009-12-17T11:09:00.001-05:00

nights like tonight, restlessness is at it's best.

i'm nostalgic and longing, for something i've had before and haven't found again yet - what's it called?

something. something. new, but it's old, maybe it comes and goes, maybe i only feel it through hindsight.

and stop it, we weren't meant to move backwards, suck it up - but just for a moment, could i please wish time to go the way i want it? i'd pick out stars in pennsylvania - not for the company, just for the feelings, the infinite in those moments. and laughter resounding against train's walls, loud and free, spirit filled. nights in the eighty-seven living room, the quiet connection of togetherness. sometimes i hate this big heart.

uncertainty.

2009-12-08T00:21:00.003-05:00

after sleeping on a futon mattress for the past six weeks - bed, i do not take you for granted.

i'm no longer taking anything for granted about this place.

it's home, it's a luxury - one that i won't always have. one that i'll probably choose to leave eventually. and in all my restlessness and my itches to fly, it's really great here. i'm soaking it all in.

it's never an empty house,

always someone to eat with, talk with, play with,

fight with. there's that soft warm glow

of life greeting at the doorway, the smell

of seasons and home-cooked meals,

the smell of love.

it's a place to be naked - that is,

completely comfortable

within your own skin

to laugh, cry, yell

to talk aloud to yourself,

to sing horribly off-key while washing the dishes.

no one here cares

what your voice sounds like.

this place

is a place worn from life

its holes in the carpet tell stories

of feet dancing across the floor

and bodies sitting around a fireplace,

a christmas tree, a birthday child.

they tell stories of existence.

no other arms extend

as widely as these walls stretch

wide and wider still

for me to sink

and breathe

and be wrapped in home.

2009-12-03T03:31:00.005-05:00

i'm heavy inside of my chest.

i've been reading a lot of anti/pro pornography/prostitution feminist literature the past few days, wow. it's heavy stuff. i took this brilliant philosophy class my senior year that dealt with all these sorts of topics, namely, linking pornography to intimate violence and oppression toward women. being against pornography as someone who is a follower of christ and raised within the confines of western christianity is a given, something on the list of ways to define christianity. but i want it to be more than that for me, i'm not just blindly following some sort of legalistic structures because i'm told to, or because something is just morally wrong. god doesn't make commands that have no meaning - the bible speaks of purity and opposing sexual immorality for a reason, and i think many of those reasons lie with anti-pornography feminists, as seemingly ironic as it is (being that the generalized projections of feminism and christianity rarely hold hands). but i think that's silly, and being pro-humanity, and pro-justice, we are strong allies. i believe in seeing a better world, and i believe the things they say about pornography to be truth. that it's, on the whole of things, violent, brutal, de-humanizing towards women and children. that it enforces a misogynistic world, as covert or overt as that may be for each of us. i do, however, understand the dangers that go along with censorship, and the damaging effects that legislation against pornography and prostitution could have on women's rights and women in general. i also believe with all of my heart and soul that another world is possible. and another way is possible. it's not action, redemptive violence. it's also not pacifism. it's a third way, the way that jesus used - it's creativity, imagination, ringing in a new way of doing things.

i imagine jesus suggesting for porn what he suggested about the oppressive roman rule to the jews: if someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. under roman rule, civilians were required and would be (sometimes brutally) forced to carry soldier's gear and walk with them for one mile. it was an assertion of authority from the romans, a reminder of who's in control. here, there was a clear distinction being made between dominant and subordinate. so this law allowed roman soldiers to force a civilian (read:jew) to carry his gear for one mile, but only one mile. any further would be seen as cruelty, and a soldier charged with forcing to someone to carry his stuff for over a mile would be in rebellion of the law. so when jesus tells the people they should carry packs for two miles instead of one, is he just being the kind and generous jesus he is? is he telling us to help people more, to force ourselves to be more selfless? sure, maybe. but given the context and the law of the roman rule, telling people to carry packs two miles is telling them to break the law. he's telling them to do something that is actually pretty badass. his message says carry the pack two miles, because when you do so, you change the power structure. the dominant soldier is now the subordinate. if he doesn't get his stuff back, he could lose his job. and maybe, just maybe, you'll force him to confront the conflict and messiness of this ridiculous power struggle in the first place.

jesus isn't here physically to come up with awesomely brilliant plans like this, but he gave us as followers of him the authority to do the same thing. and i believe at the heart of jesus, nothing was ever a moral issue, it was never an agenda or a plan for control. rather, and at the dismay of many, it was a humanity issue. it was about making the world a better place to live in - the place that god intended. it was about bringing the kingdom of heaven - that is, everything good, beautiful, fulfilling, right - to earth now.

"We have given the pornographers far too much power to construct our sexual imaginations. It is our world, not theirs. It is our world to take back. This is not just about taking back the night, but taking back the whole day, taking back the culture's imagination, taking back the way we see men and women and sex. If we do not, I fear that the light inside us will dim. Our hopes and dreams will be increasingly shaped by the pornographers. And our hopes for a desire based on equality, maybe even the dream of equality, may not survive. I am afraid of that.

We all need to work to make sure that does not happen."

quote from robert jensen, who i am rapidly starting to adore. the article this came from is here. he co-authored a book called pornography: the production and consumtion of inequality, also wonderful.

2009-11-18T18:08:00.002-05:00

the other night after church, i had a beautiful conversation with lovely people, all of whom encompass so much wisdom and intelligence. i left feeling so refreshed, like i had been breathing in clean air. it was a delight.

it got me thinking about faith things, about things like 'being saved' and only reading one specific version of the bible, or handing out tracts to strangers in order to invite them to christ. these things, all in all, feel so wrong to me. there's something deep inside of me that tightens up and presses in, causing me to hold my breath for fear that if this is the truth, i don't think i can stomach it. and so i create within myself mini-crises, because i worry that what i believe is wrong. i worry that seeing god everywhere is a cop-out. i worry that believing in rescuing people from their own hell now isn't as good as rescuing them from the idea of an eternal hell later on. i worry that selflessly serving others is just an after thought, rather than the forefront of following christ. that maybe the forefront really IS just getting people 'saved', making sure they're going to heaven.

but then there's this feeling i get when talking about the things i really believe to be true about following christ. that love really is the law of the land, not justice on people that we think are 'sinful'. that god really is everywhere, and he calls over and over and over for selfless service. not for bible tracts. that following jesus is about the here and now first, not the distant afterworld. and it's not an emotion that i feel, or a longing for these things to be true. it's something that resonates deep in my core, in my soul, that shouts a resounding yes. these are the things we're meant to live for. these things are truth, and nothing else really matters.

i hope i never become so legalistic that i miss out on the way god moves through the branches of the trees.

2009-11-12T17:31:00.001-05:00

so like everyone i know, i've gone and jumped on the glee bandwagon. a little late, maybe, but i've now caught myself up to present speed. and at first, i couldn't understand what everyone's, including my own, fascination with the show is. yes, it's quirky, and cute - but it sort of reminds me of old after school television (like the tv adaption of clueless), or it's a little bit reminiscent of ugly betty, which i guess was/is a popular show, but only appeals to a few. everywhere, everyone i know is talking about glee. my intelligent, snarky friends love it. my friends that i would expect to like it, like it. my mom loves it. multitudes of both male and female friends love it. my pastor loves it. i simply couldn't understand this phenomenon. it's a whisper away from high school musical, throw in a few adult references and zac efron may as well be the star. the storyline is mostly predictable, the characters are stereotypical and politically correct, and there aren't any big named stars - not even underground big named stars, as the show's fallback. so what is it?

i'm still not entirely sure. all i can reason is my own love for the show. it comes because i am cheesy. and easily entertained. and maybe, (mostly) it's because i can live vicariously through the girls on the show who have amazing skills - something i always dreamed of in high school. having a pretty voice, being the star of an actual, live show - that would have made my life in high school. so maybe that's it, maybe that's what it is for everyone. there's a little bit of something for everyone in that, being able to live vicariously through these high school kids, the things we weren't able to do in high school, or the things we did that just weren't cool. making things like band and chorus socially acceptable. making being in a wheelchair okay, getting pregnant in high school okay, having a developmentally disabled person become a cheerleader okay.

so with all things that i read too deeply into, i'm hopeful with a show like this. what if this influences kids in ways that we were never influenced in high school? to allow kids to break from their rigid social roles and realize that's not how it is in real life? could you imagine the amazing things that would ensue if children were pushed to follow their dreams, rather than the dreams of their parents or the dreams of what is socially acceptable? it would be unbelievable. it's okay to know yourself. to learn how to be comfortable in your own skin. to stand up for your beliefs, values, interests, for yourself - and not be ashamed of what others think. and i'm hoping that's the underlying message glee is trying to send. i'm hoping, even if it isn't, that's the message that gets sent anyway. because it's a good one.

2009-11-12T02:25:00.003-05:00

a few tumultuous weeks. world-class traveling, gma on the rocks, late nights, a little bit of going back in time, even.

i'm hoping to stand on solid ground, for a short time anyhow. cleveland's been so good to me, like the way a mattress sinks and confroms to your body falling back, welcoming me, healing me, sitting with me. but soon, i can feel, i need to make my peace. i guess i've been feeling this way for awhile now, and certainly voicing it - although there's been no clear direction behind those words. but the past month(s) have changed perspective on many things. my intentions for cleveland, my planned purposes for this place, the things i saw in here - they don't stand in front of me anymore. it's like i just keep stepping back and back and back, and the scene gets bigger and bigger as things that used to be so close and huge to me become smaller. wow.

so i got over this thing. it was a pretty big thing, with really deep roots, that i knew were deep, but they were infinitely deeper than i thought. and getting over it, maybe that doesn't seem like a huge deal to anyone else. but to me, it's everything. it's probably the biggest thing i've ever accomplished. it's so unbelievably remarkable to me. this new found clarity, this leaving of an incredibly ambiguous time in my life, that's huge. i feel like i can actually do anything i want to do. that's reality to me now. i spent a really long time being almost there. now i'm there.

it's exciting. i feel relaxed in a way i haven't in a very long time. and i don't need to leave cleveland, but in a way, i do. it represents a lot of the past, where i was going, thought i wanted to go. but there are new things. the stepping back and seeing the bigger things that were before, beyond my vision. and i have big dreams.

2009-11-08T23:22:00.002-05:00

"This isn't about you-- as selfish as that sounds. It's about me. It's about all the shit that I dealt with and I didn't deal with. But in any situation with long love, I don't think it ever really goes away fully. You just sort of learn where to keep it."

what happened to me?
rooms are spinning and making me dizzy
the last of the last frays
could pull together any moment and re-collide.
or could be cut off
for good
and who knows?
who knows but time.
and i have more than this to give,
more than this to offer,
i'm sorry
i always sell you short.
the only thing that exists is
right now, right here.
that's scary and comforting all at once,
how am i supposed to know any better?
it's so funny, not like that
that this isn't about that
odds are, odds are.
and we
have no
idea.

2009-10-20T00:24:00.003-04:00

we took the long way round
when you took my hand and said "it's
just a little bit
just a little bit further."
and in promising,
will we get there soon?

i peek with the tiny,
tiny circles inside of my head
that see and know, navigate
through the sparkle and shine in them.

see trees, climbing higher
and higher and higher to the skies
with branches reaching out to hold
me, cradle me under the stars
do these trees know the long way round?

they see colors, deep, rich -
glorious.
colors that are visible
but words can't capture
colors that
steal breaths away from chests.

"don't be scared of anything,"
you say, and i want
i want to believe it.

but the night stars - sometimes
not bright enough to shine
comfort on me.
and the trees, they whisper
sometimes to me
too faint to hear their secrets
but loud enough to worry.

the reds and blues
greens, yellows have put on
masks of black
and i
can't make out faces
only shapes.
it is dark and i am

holding your fingers tighter still,
holding your words
waiting
for just a little bit
just a litte bit further.

2009-10-15T01:16:00.003-04:00

so i was reading a stuff christians like post about 'this is weird, but...' moments with god. some things were just crazy. crazy! it's funny because i've been struggling a bit lately, with seeing the direct hand of god in things, mostly feeling defeated. reading the old testament, it's hard not to see god as very legalistic. and me, someone who has never been good at following the rules, i feel like maybe i'll just never get it, i'm going to keep being stuck in this rut forever. creating horrible patterns. i wonder how much i'm changing, growing, being good soil. my desires are there, they're really there. but i often lack the follow through, the put-togetherness, and sometimes i think, just the stuff that it takes. i know i can't do it by myself, but i also believe that god requires a true effort from us. and i wonder, what if i don't even have that in me?

but then i remember that i had a 'this is weird, but...' moment with god once. he revealed himself to me in the realest of ways, he called me, sought me out. and if i didn't have what it takes, he probably wouldn't have wasted his time. i don't think god usually wastes his time.

sometimes i get caught up in this image of god that is hard or cold. an image of god who doesn't particularly like me. who's kind of sick of me. so i am thankful to remember that our creator cares about us. he saves us, looks out for us, loves us. and it makes me want to emulate that.

2009-10-13T00:14:00.001-04:00

speaking words that don't really matter, because i don't know how to form the ones that do.

2009-10-09T02:03:00.003-04:00

so usually when i use my laptop, it is on top of my... LAP. yes. this is how it's supposed to be, no? they wouldn't call something a laptop unless whenever you wanted to use it you were lying in bed with it on top of your lap.

after doing this for years, lately i've been wondering if i'll develop cancer of the stomach, or thighs, because laptops have a lot of chemicals, don't they? am i getting all that nasty stuff into my body?

ohhh, but it's so comfortable to lie in bed and type. so much better on my back. such a dilemma.

2009-10-04T23:29:00.002-04:00

when you think you should speak -

you probably shouldn't say anything at all.

2009-09-29T23:51:00.001-04:00

my new favorite thing is looking up etymologies.
which led me to stumble upon this, and it made me giggle.

"The expression [the shit hits the fan] is related to, and may well derive from, an old joke. A man in a crowded bar needed to defecate but couldn't find a bathroom, so he went upstairs and used a hole in the floor. Returning, he found everyone had gone except the bartender, who was cowering behind the bar. When the man asked what had happened, the bartender replied, 'Where were you when the shit hit the fan?' "

words are fascinating!

2009-09-27T02:30:00.002-04:00

It's the first day of spring
And my life is starting over again
The trees grow, the river flows
And its water will wash away my sins
For I do believe that everyone has one chance
To fuck up their lives
But like a cut down tree, I will rise again
And I'll be bigger and stronger than ever before

For I'm still here hoping that one day you may come back
For I'm still here hoping that one day you may come back

There's a hope in every new seed
And every flower that grows upon the earth
And though I love you, and you know that
Well I no longer know what that's worth
But I'll come back to you in a year or so
And I'll rebuild, be ready to become
Oh the person, you believed in
Oh the person, that you used to love

For I'm still here hoping that one day you may come back
For I'm still here hoping that one day you may come back

sort of obsessed with noah and the whale right now. i recall hearing them in portland, and promptly forgot about them until driving with darja the other day. they are beautiful and brilliant. they have a new cd that doesn't come out until october sixth, but some of the songs are listenable online. like this song. it's my favorite. i can't wait to get this album. i'm very excited. and very in need of autumn sounds. which is ironic, since the album is called the first days of spring. hmm. bad timing.

i wonder about many things.

2009-09-23T22:58:00.003-04:00

i love ann lamott:

you've got to love this in a god - consistently assembling they motleyest people to bring, into the lonely and frightening world, a commitment to caring and community. it's a centuries-long reality show - moses the stutterer, rahab the hooker, david the adulterer, mary the homeless teenager. not to mention all the mealy-mouthed disciples. not to mention a raging insecure narcissist like me.

she's so beautiful.

i also love autumn. more than anything. it's a wonderful time with vibrant colors that speak into my soul. i love its smells. i love the way it feels, its crispness enveloping me and the way darkness begins to creep into the daylight. the way that darkness brings about a feeling of numberless, anything's possible thoughts. i'm usually restless, but autumn nights make me so itchy for adventure i can't even stand it. i love, and despise, the way that this season fills my nostalgia bucket to the brim, spilling over. drops and drops of meaningful memories. it takes me back to days of high school, and the youngest of loves that created crippling depression and mountains of glorious growing and learning. i recall visiting the darkest hours of night in my first moments of being completely independent, the freedom and loneliness that was discovered there, revealing itself through deep, emotional writing, feuling my love for these things. i remember restless night time drives to no where in particular. a playlist i made that made me feel infinite, listening to that playlist under golden branches. i think of leaves falling on lakeview and fumbling to describe the notion that is my god. and always, at the forefront of my nostalgia, is evening through the hills of pennsylvania, more stars than black sky, balto, feeling infinite on the brooklyn bridge, electricity inside of a subway car, and innocence.

significance always occurs in my autumns. i'm eager for this time.

2009-09-22T00:12:00.001-04:00

i want to meet someone who sees beauty in places i see it. because it's big and it's indescribable and it's just so...

you know?

2009-09-21T00:50:00.004-04:00

sunday evenings have come to be a renewal.

this is something i haven't experienced in years. once there were days when i looked forward to sunday evenings more than anything in the entire world. it was a wonderful time in my life in general. i think it was more carefree. i was filled with a lot of hope. god was opening my eyes to about a million things at once. there was still an innocence (naivete?) to growing. and sunday nights, they were priceless.

the past few have been this way. mostly because they've been filled with really inspiring conversations. they've been filled with jokes and laughter and really beautiful worship, really beautiful words about god, and lovely, wise people who have spoken into my life. one exchange in particular was someone who, upon telling him that i had been an art history major (which i always follow with, yeah, ya know, so i won't be doing anything with my life), said, "no! don't say that! there is a reason and a purpose for you being in that place and going through all that and having a degree in art history. and it's good. so don't knock it."

i really appreciated those words. i think sometimes i put myself into this wrestling match, between the things i genuinely enjoy and the things that i think i'm supposed to be doing as a follower of christ. my art history classes taught me so much about beauty, creativity, passion, politics, religion, the indescribable relationship between our souls and our minds, the way that emotions can transcend and speak through visual mediums, the way that people are just so absolutely amazing and fascinating creatures - there were times in class that i felt like i was learning, discussing, seeing something so sacred. and so i wasn't taking a biblical history class, or a social justice 101 class, but i was learning about god. i was learning about the way he's made our souls. and i'm realizing how much that isn't worth trading for anything.

so admist this wrestling match, i've been thinking, man. i need to do something that will matter. maybe i should go back to school and get a nursing degree. that way i could really help people. but i stink at science! i'm terrible at it and i'd have to work really really hard learning about things that i just don't really enjoy, because i feel like i have to do something that is meaningful. something that i can tell people about and they will really think i'm doing great work. work that is empirical. it can be studied and tested and the results can be produced. there will be no doubt that i am following christ. but i think, instead, i'm learning what i'm not called for, and what i think i am.

the things that allow me to see god in profound ways are incredibly abstract. they're in ways that the english language does not have words to describe. the things that light up my soul and make me jump for joy are things that are beautiful and creative. these things make me feel a sense of purpose, a sense of oneness with the spirit. i believe the key to what i was made for lies inside of these places.

so, i guess i don't know exactly what it is i'm looking for, but at least i can stop trying to feel like i have to do all of these things i think are great in my mind in order to claim i'm following christ. because following christ doesn't always mean saving people's lives. it's also about finding new and creative ways for god's glory to be revealed in this place. it's about making sure all that glory is attributed to god's beauty and creativeness. and it's about taking a step outside of the proverbial box and seeing that creativity is good. and holy. and is made in the image and likeness of god. the created creating because their creator gave them the ability to do so. we have these things inside of us, we don't always understand them, we certainly can't describe them, but we know they come out in the most profound and incredible ways. if you only tap into that kind of freedom. it's beautiful. and i want to experience these kinds of things for the rest of my life. and i want others to experience them too. it's what we're made for.

2009-09-14T00:23:00.002-04:00

so, popular culture is not anything that i ever want to be saturated in, but it sort of just seems to happen that way. the unprecedented event of the evening - kanye's shocking display at the vma awards, which i did not even know were on - was bombarding the vast masses of social networking. and me, being the curious controversy lover that i am really wanted to know what happened. so i saw the video, and then directly proceeded to be swept away by all that junk for the past half hour or so. i had several revelations - including how shockingly staged everything seemed, and how pretty lame all these music videos are in the first place.

one in particular got to me, it was taylor swift's video for the song that she won the award for. the one that clearly outraged kanye - which was ridiculous anyway, because he said that beyonce had one of the best videos of all time, and maybe i missed the creative music video train, but all she was doing was dancing for the entire video. anyway, that's not the point i was getting to. so this taylor swift song is essentially your classic she's all that move - with the cute, drama free girl made to look nerdy, and the adorable quarterback with his mean, skanky girlfriend. so there's this theme that the video is centered around - the nerdy girl and popular guy living across from each other, and sometimes writing signs for each other to see. so she has this sign that says, 'i love you', which she never gets to hold up because he always closes his blinds right when she's about to (of course). while i'm watching, the montages of dorky band uniform girl and cheerleading captian girl, scantily clad outfits and tshirts with cardigans, and the tension with this guy, the whole time i'm thinking, poor dorky girls of real life. because this is not how it works. the captain of the football team will never want to date you. and once you get a little bit older, you'll realize you wouldn't have wanted to date him anyway.

i understand, i'm judging through a very stereotyped filter, but that's what the premise of the video is in. i do suppose in some anomalous situations, stuff like this happens - but clearly, not the message taylor swift is sending to our tweens.

so anyhow, i'm watching the video, thinking the whole time, this isn't real life! stop putting these awful false notions into girls' heads! let them find their own identity and boys who will appreicate them for who they are! and then, of course, at the end, she takes off her nerdy glasses and shows up at the dance wearing this amazing dress and looking beautiful - and the popular guy leaves the mean girl and goes for her. i'm thinking, this isn't right! real life never happens like this! these poor girls!

but all of a sudden, she holds up the 'i love you' sign she'd written before but didn't get to show him...and he takes a folded piece of paper out of his pocket and holds it up - and it says the same thing. he loves her too!

cue my heart melting. i was so mad at myself. but ohmygosh it was adorable. and so i'm sick to my stomach with all the false realities but at the same time wanting so badly a cute romancey thing like that to happen to me and thinking, what the heck is wrong with me?

this crazy, backwards culture and its messed up notions of things like love and reality. but i feel like this is perpetually my place, being appalled and disgusted but a product of it at the same time. opposing everything it stands for, but still becoming enthralled and wrangled in at times. and desperately wanting to rid myself of it completely, but having that be virtually impossible, because those smoke and mirrors are so fancy. and those bright lights are so enthralling. and so the muse's song calls be back, caring for things that don't matter, storing in my heart things of this world and not of the one i really belong to. it's a tension i feel so strongly, a tug of war, but i'm not on either side, i'm in the middle, getting sloshed around in the mud, with no side ever fully claiming me. and no one can serve two masters, but that's often what it feels like i do. i'm free in christ but still voluntarily enslave myself in these ways. i cling to these ideals that aren't real life, real love, real sacrifice, real relationships, real community, real moments in time...that do nothing but create falsehoods upon falsehoods. and it's humorous, but really just sorta sad when we get to the heart of it.

especially when as i've been writing, i've been thinking about how i want to watch the michael jackson tribute they did. i'm a silly girl with a silly torn heart. with flesh and a soul. with only one that really matters.

2009-09-13T01:06:00.002-04:00

had the wildest dream last night.

i went to this place, it was somewhere in the southwest. let me preface this by saying a few months ago i had a very aquatic-themed dream, where i was at this aquarium type place, except the building itself was more like a workout gym and there was this very large pool/tank with maybe walruses or some other large weird animal like that inside of it that i had to swim through to get to this walkway to cross over this body of water...okay it was just weird. i have a lot of water dreams. whatever. anyway. so. i was at that place again. it was near the painted deserts. except instead of being a combination gym/aquarium, it was an eatery. and a petrified wood storing company. because they were hauling countless chunks of petrified wood. the stuff was everywhere. so, i hung out, decided i wanted to leave. instead of driving though, i was walking back by my myself on this weird path with a cliff next to me. i went back and forth a couple of times - as in back to wherever our car was parked, because it had magically teleported to a far away parking lot instead of where we drove it up to right in front of the building. so don't ask me why i walked back and forth a few times, i just did. but finally, there was this long line of people walking back on the trail. and there was one part that was really narrow and crumbly, and i had no trouble getting through it the previous times, but this time, i was terrified to cross it. my dad was behind me, and another male who i can't recall at the moment, perhaps another young family member? one of my cousins? not sure. as well as a long line of people also waiting to cross. and, it was dark. pretty dark. so i couldn't see very well. so eventually, we realized there was another trail about five feet underneath the one we were walking on, and decided to use that one instead. cut to movie theatre. i was there with someone used to date, but we weren't dating in the dream, just seeing a movie together. and we were watching this film that i happened to be really into, may have been a foreign film? so i had my feet up on the seat in front of me, per usual in real life, but this time there were people in front of me and they got angry and started shooting me dirty looks for having my feet up. i think one of the girls turned around and told me to stop it. then, someone from their group came back with his mac laptop and said, "i'm pro-choice and this is why." and he showed me this short little blurb, i dont remember what it said, and some weird graphic design he made that looked a lot like that fetus sigur ros album cover. it was around this time that i realized he had approached me because i was wearing this black pro-life supporting hoodie. (what?! its so strange.) so i then gave him my real-life shpeal about why i was pro-life (i'm glad my values stay true in the sub-conscious) leading into a discussion about feminist history and the like. it was around this time that the guy i was with started getting really angry. he kept making really annoyed gestures and told me that if i wasn't there to watch the movie i should leave. (i love how things are so blunt in dreams.) i told him that maybe he should leave. i recall saying distinctly, "why don't you just leave? seriously, leave. no one wants you here. you should just leave." anyway, that went on for some time, and i must have ended up leaving. because the next thing i know, i'm finding my car in a parking garage. i caught some teenage kids (two boys and one girl) red handed breaking into my car. told them to give me all my stuff, they had tried putting my ipod into my iginition (seriously, what?) and were saying they didn't really take anything else. well, i ended up starting the car and driving off while they were still in it, one boy and the girl jumped out but the other kid was trapped driving with me. so then i was driving around a lot, in a place that looked very similar to the abandoned industrial parts of cleveland. i don't really know what the kid was doing during this time, i just remember driving down a bunch of roads and not really knowing where i was going. but eventually i started threatening to drop the kid off in really bad parts of town, specifically one place that was a brick road which led through a tunnel. he eventually started being really inappropriate and must have gotten out. i continued driving. that was the end.

i woke up trying to figure out if i'm crazy or what.

2009-09-03T23:38:00.002-04:00

i say worlds like
adventure
exploration
experience
and what i'm really trying to get at with them can't be adequately described in words.
because my restlessness doesn't come from being in one single place for too long. it doesn't come from lack of things like adventure.
it comes from this desire to experience things i've never experienced before. to encounter people i've never encountered before, to learn from them, to grow with them, to see who they are. it's in moments like this that i feel alive.
it's in moments that just do not exist in words. i cannot tell you what it feels like. i don't know where to find it. but i'll know, i'll know it when i feel it. i'll know it when i find it.

prayerful sighs. lift these upward.

2009-08-28T02:08:00.000-04:00

stuff christians like:

Apparently, in my heart, God is still up in heaven keeping a massive list of things that count and things that don’t count. He’s Santa Claus and I’m a kid trying to hide the pieces of a broken vase under my bed in the hope that they don’t count. Christ’s death must not have been enough, because in my mind, there are still two lists going.

Let’s lose the lists. It all counts. If we could have been saved by a list, God wouldn’t have sent His son, He would have just given us more paper and pens so we could keep better lists. It has to count or Christ’s life doesn’t count. The grace, the mercy, the deep, beating heartbeat of hope from Christ beats loudly because it does count. The gap between me and God was wide and dark. But it was crossed.

i love the portrait of christ i can see.

2009-08-27T23:53:00.002-04:00

it's been some time, writing wise. partially because the d and e keys fell off of my keyboard, or were rampantly pulled off of my keyboard in attempts to remove the debris that had been hindering e key's performance. long story short, d was in the wrong place at the wrong time, thus getting lifted as well. and since apparently laptop keys aren't like real keyboard keys, and since apparently i didn't know this, i can't get them back on for the life of me. and so i type away, having to perfect my typing aim with farewelled friends d and e, or what's left of them - little nipply nubs. it's a rough world.

in other news, my time has been consumed with lost - and my addiction not for fictional sci-fi mystery shows, but for being able to watch a program consecutively from the very beginning whenever i please. someone at hulu is out to steal my productivity. i mostly wrestle with "i shouldn't be doing this, it's such a remarkable waste of my time". yet still watching. faults.

and oh, hi clarity. i'm really grateful you decided to join me here, because things were getting a little hairy without you. i know i should be humble. but seriously? i saw that coming from a mile away. so i'm still moving, but now farther and faster, because i'm realizing the things i saw in my head and the things that actually exist weren't really ever aligned. i guess i'm just an optomist like that. or delusional. but the one who calls is faithful, so these realizations are coming at the time they're supposed to come. and i'm just meant to bask in the season i'm in. i'm getting someplace, i hope.

asking, always asking what's next. praying for more direction. lots of time on my hands. needing to be more creative, learn how to make more stuff. we'll see how that goes.

progression.

2009-08-18T15:24:00.001-04:00

seriously! hawks! what the heck?!

2009-08-18T01:38:00.002-04:00

so many sides to consider.

strange thoughts on the long drive home tonight, wondering always what the future holds. trying to let go of my own selfish ambitions, yet struggling with this desire to be satisfied. i don't really know what's what.

i'm happy with where things are now. i think about the past year of my life, a whirlwind of change and chaos, a time that can only accurately be described as messy, and i'm so grateful for right now. for beautiful realizations and for once, i am actually celebrating the change. because it's brought me into so many wonderful places within myself. and, i feel, for such a long time, my prayer had been, let me be this. let me be that. my prayers were so focused on this great change i wanted inside of myself, to be better at things, to be less and more of things, to be this girl in my head who's actually getting someplace. i've realized that this whole time, that's what's been happening. and boy, i sure know i've slowed down the process, some life lessons i wish i would never have to learn the hard way. but wisdom's funny like that for some people, and likes to take its time getting acquired. and i am not wise, i am far from it. but i am now on a conscious journey to seek it out, to gain maturity and understanding, to foster these things within my self and continue to grow and grow and grow and bloom.

i really wish to grasp my identity in christ. to solidify it. that is my goal. i have big dreams. they can only come into fruition through patience and selflessness. after all, it isn't about me.

slavery

2009-08-11T00:33:00.003-04:00

she possesses various names, but one reality. she has many appearances, but is made of one element. in truth, she is an everlasting ailment bequeathed by each generation unto its successor.

i found the blind slavery which ties the people's present with their parents' past, and urges them to yield to their traditions and customs, placing ancient spirits in the new bodies.

i found the mute slavery, which bind the life of a man to a wife whom he abhors, and places the woman's body in the bed of a hated husband, deadening both lives spiritually.

i found the deaf slavery, which stifles the soul and the heart, rendering man but an empty echo of a voice, and a pitiful shadow of a body.

i found the lame slavery, which places man's neck under the domination of the tyrant and submits strong bodies and weak minds to the sons of greed for use as instruments to their power.

i found the ugly slavery, which descends with the infants' spirits from the spacious firmament into the home of misery, where need lives by ignorance, and humiliation resides beside despair. and the children grow as miserables, live as criminals, and die as despised and rejected non-existents.

i found the subtle slavery, which entitles things with other than their names - calling slyness intelligence, and emptiness a knowledge, and weakness a tenderness, and cowardice a strong refusal.

i found the twisted slavery, which causes the tongues of the weak to move with fear, and speak outside of their feelings, and they feign to be meditating their plight, but they become as empty sacks, which even a child can fold or hang.

i found the bent slavery, which prevails upon one nation to comply with the laws and rules of another nation, and the bending is greater each day.

i found the perpetual slavery, which crowns the sons of monarchs as kings, and offers no regard to merit.

i found the black slavery, which brands with shame and disgrace forever the innocent sons of the criminals.

contemplating slavery, it is found to possess the vicious powers of continuation and contagion.

slavery will remain slavery in all her horrible form, even if she calls herself liberty.

khalil gibran

2009-08-11T00:32:00.001-04:00

tonight upon getting home from work and subsequently getting directly into my bed to be lazy for the rest of the evening, i heard a rumbling of chairs coming from downstairs. my thoughts went directly to, 'someone's throwing a tantrum.'

that's because everyday at my job, someone gets upset, and this getting upset usually works itself into the throwing of chairs. thus, apparently, now, i hear loud noises of furniture and think children are throwing chairs.

some days have been better than other days - like, for example, my first day, one girl tried to attack another and yet another girl broke her one of her cds and wanted to cut herself with it. my second day, i watched love and basketball, bend it like beckam, tyler perry's i can do bad all by myself, and the soloist. first day = bad day. second day = normal day. and i have never watched so many movies in a row.

it was interesting, my first day - all the crazy things were happening and my adrenaline shot through the roof, my immediate instinctual reaction was to run and hide, to get away from the situation. this is obviously not my job. my job is to stop the bad things. so while all this was going down, and i'm panicking and fearful and all that, i'm thinking to myself, oh my gosh. there's no way i can do this job. i'm in way over my head. etc etc. but after the fact, i realized, my first response to a lot of things is fear. i think, by and large, i'm a very fearful person, and it's something that i really dislike about myself. so i'm hoping this job will help to change that about me, to begin to make my first reaction to scary situations a strong one, instead of one that freezes up and gets paralyzed by the fear.

i'm trying to spend a lot more time in prayer, especially now, working with these girls - i feel like i have to walk so closely with god. because if i'm not trusting him to have my back, things will go wrong. all in all, i think it's going to be good for me. i'm hoping.

2009-08-04T21:30:00.001-04:00

geez! one more thing.

don't doubt jesus' love just because we doubt our own.

2009-08-04T20:41:00.005-04:00

and as much as i've grown and changed and become, i can't help but feel that little tiny feeling inside of me that reaches out for this day one year ago.

Jesus said to her, "Mary."

She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, "Rabboni!" (which means Teacher).

Jesus said, "Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet returned to the Father. Go instead to my brothers and tell them, 'I am returning to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God."

2009-08-04T19:48:00.002-04:00

positively too many things going on all at once. new job = tough times. background: working with adolescents that have been incredibly abused and neglected. we're talking about as intense as you could get, so so so incredibly broken and fragile and just trying to survive. there's so much to it. i guess ultimately, i feel like it's in a lot of ways doing the dirty work, really getting in there and offers the great potential for me to draw closer to the heart of christ, working and wrestling with these kids who have issues i can scarcely begin to understand, loving on them and hopefully teaching them something that can change their future, even if it's the smallest way. but then there's the scared part of me, that thinks heeeeeck no, i can't do this job, i'm going to get smacked around, exhausted, emotionally drained, stretched and stretched - and do i really have the energy for this? is it really where i am called? i feel yes, it is, but that fear in me is present.

and then there's all the other stuff going through my head, who i am, who i want to become, the goals i've set for myself and all the ways i've been lazy about accomplishing those. just really being challenged to be strong in my beliefs, the things that i commit to. surrounding myself with people wh encourage me to do that, but not really having all that many people.

wrestling to solidify my identity, perpetually feeling in the middle, always in the middle. which is so frustrating sometimes, honestly. but in most ways feels like the story of my life.

i saw 500 days of summer last night, and i liked it. the overall message of the movie really made me think about relationships and reality. the movie portrayed a very realistic display of these lofty ideas we call love and fate, and really challenged my views of having a 'story' - this great fairytale-esque journey of how i found my one. that sometimes we experience these out of this world romances with whirlwind rushing feelings and indescribable moments, and we think surely, surely this must be it! if it weren't, it wouldn't feel like this! when in actuality, those intense things aren't always THE things, and real love can sometimes take a back-door approach, a love that is slow and subtle and takes its time to reach the depths, which therefore causes it to be stronger, more grounded in reality, and forever lasting. i think that realization comes out of a maturation, a gaining of wisdom, a release of childhood notions. i guess that's probably not true for everyone. but i think it's probably true for me. a letting go of my expectations, my imaginary ways of thinking, because that's always what it is for me.

i suppose i'm just constantly searching. constantly trying to discover the answers and finish the puzzle and see the entire picture, when it doesn't work like that. it'll never work like that. i'm better off quitting the never-ending guessing game. i'm usually wrong. and it's a whole heck of a lot of energy.

such a draining day.

2009-07-31T18:32:00.004-04:00

hawks. hawks are everywhere.

so after seeing maybe, twenty hawks over a course of a few months, and never noticing things like these, i thought hmm. what do hawks mean?

this:

the hawk comes to you indicating that you are now awakening to your soul purpose, your reason for being here. it can teach you how to fly high while keeping yourself connected to the ground.

this:

the hawk teaches you to be observant and take a close look at your surroundings. it soars with the power to overcome difficult situations. it soars in circles over the life of the earth, asking you to circle over your life and view it from a higher perspective.

and this:

the hawk has keen eyesight, it is about opening our eyes and seeing that which is there to guide us.

noted.

2009-07-29T00:23:00.007-04:00

...i drove home this evening with a watery face, big feelings about everything and nothing in particular. it always comes like that, the good realizations. i looked to my left, to that big, glorious lake and saw about a dozen sails stretched towards the sky. then those buildings to my right, this place in its entirety. i thought, oh god. i love this city. my heart aches for it. for the resurrection of this town.

the big looming question has been, where is my heart? oh lord, where is my heart? and i think i've found it - pieces of it anyway. it's definitely here, in moments like these, among this big beautiful city that i love.

but some of it is far away, in the sights and sounds and beautiful smells of that pacific northwest. with the people and places and paths i traveled there. that place wrecked my life in the worst ways possible and i still love it, more than words can describe. it's in those eight roommates who brought the worst out of me, who taught me so much about myself and forced me to grow beyond belief. who made me laugh and made me cry, made me angry and annoyed and stretched my capacity to love and to accept and appreciate living. it's in african babies with rotted teeth and dirty clothes, dirty diapers and dirty bodies who are just longing for someone to love. it's in seeing three mountains on a clear day, in the smell of big, lush and green forests with trees that stretch their arms and the wind that blows through them. it's in sitting downtown with crazy homeless folk who have story on top of story because you'll just listen. it's in bus stops and hour long bus rides, the number nine and the number four, how i hated those bus rides, but how humbling they were. it's along the oregon coast, getting stuck in the sand and jumping shots, bonfires on the beach and long conversations, watching the ocean tides rolling in. and traveling back months later for early morning clamming and to hear the roar of those waves. it's in powells and vintage stores. in train rides. in library books. in bike rides. in bridges. in big, gorgeous roses everywhere.

some of it is at my home, with this beautiful community stretching across generations, with so much love and laughter and goodness. with so much grace and compassion. it's deeply rooted in the wisdom of a feisty eighty-seven year old whose stories will entertain you for hours, whose stubbornness is sometimes unbearable, whose independence is the essence of her life and lives such a testament to strength and faith in christ. in a goofy man who knows everyone and always has a story to tell about some book he's reading, who has a passion for being alive and experiencing life. who will try anything once. in a woman, a role model to the greatest extent, who lives life to the fullest, who divides herself with so much ease among the places she is needed. who cares and loves fiercely, as if it were her only job. whose only charge against her is loving too deeply, caring too much, giving everything she has. in a teenager who is the epitome of beautiful. with emotions running high, just like they should, on the peak of self-discovery, acquiring wisdom and maturity beyond her years. a smile to make you melt. it's here i find my safety, my anchor, my faith, my passion, my will to keep going.

some of it lies with a few special ladies, ones who encourage and inspire me daily. it's in these women that i find my sanity, my shoulder to cry on, my comic relief, my companionship. my heart here is in tuesday nights with becca, of just being together, in silly inside jokes that have existed for nearly ten years. in songs with assigned parts, in having our songs. in being the kind of friends that always pick up where they left off, never missing a beat. it's in evenings out and being girly with jocelynn and catherine. in trying on vintage clothes. in niagara spending longer to get ready together than actually being out. in prayer and worship times with girls who brought me to christ so many years ago. in youth group bonds. in talking all night, taking pictures all night, dancing, laughing, being silly. these girls are driven and creative, they are filled with big, deep emotions, to love and to be loved. each of them point me to the heart of christ, the nurturing, compassionate heart of god, who desires so much to be with us. being with each one of them is like a breath of fresh air.

still, other parts are in the past, in its stories and memories that still warm my heart and bring me comfort. in dear relationships that i've lost to the tides of time. in mistakes i've made that i can't take back, the way that things change, things always change. in dreams that won't see the daylight. in ways that i'm still trying to get that heart of mine back, but haven't yet, no matter how adamantly i convince myself otherwise. and perhaps i never will, perhaps i'm not supposed to - for those ways were among some of the most beautiful i've ever experienced.

and i know there's some that i'm saving for my future, my big, vast future hidden inside the hands of my big, vast god. with purposes and plans left unknown. all in due time, girl. all in due time. he says to me, and i know, i know without a shadow of a doubt it's worth waiting for, impatient as i get.

i wonder, maybe that's the way i'll live my life. with my heart divided among so many places, wanting, wishing to be in all of them at once. never actually being able to do that.

so you see, i haven't anything to give. not here. not yet. and that's perfectly fine. that's just the way it should be, i think. i will, when i'm really ready and it's really right.

2009-07-25T14:24:00.001-04:00

To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to.

i <3 khalil gibran.

2009-07-23T02:01:00.001-04:00

he will make her deserts like Eden,
her wastelands like the garden of the LORD.
Joy and gladness will be found in her,
thanksgiving and the sound of singing.

release.
onward.

feeling good about things. pretty darn good.

wondering what comes next. (aren't i always?)

2009-07-22T00:46:00.002-04:00

here's what i know now brother,
here's what i know now sister,
goes like this:
in your love, my salvation lies.

oh, so good. so good.

want some cake right now. mmm.

missing those pacific northwest friends, their smiles. their laughs.

soul's longing for big adventure.

loving on some old friends.

heart's deep and big and craving things that can't be satisfied here, now.

needs that are bigger than this place.

not selfish, made for some things more.

not of this world.

come on, let's get the show on the road.

this past, this present, this future.

nothing looks the same.

not sure where. not here.

ambiguity.

the well is deep, that water is a long way down.

how thirsty are you gonna get?

i don't know anything about anything at all.

but i know he's got plans.

i hope he's got plans.

to blow this place away, blow my mind away...

it's coming.

these feelings are too far down for it not to.

stuck. couldn't move them if i tried.

and i tried.

i can't, it can't be captured with words.

it's too much.

geez, cant stop listening to this song.

2009-07-10T00:57:00.003-04:00

i really love live music.
something about the way i witness passion, the way i feel the energy of that soul where those words and melodies were created. i just think it's beautiful.

i've been feeling less alive in mundane moments (watching movies, on the computer, etc) and more alive in times where i'm around people who are unique and remarkable, having candid conversations about life and this glorious world that we live in. making jokes and smiling and laughing, or thinking deeply about things we'll never understand. and i realize that it's these moments i wish to spend my life inside of. it's these moments that make god real for me, a god that has nothing to do with religion or right or wrong, but is only concerned with the truth in our being and in having a soul, and in awakening that soul through these moments. because this spirit inside of me, it's fierce and passionate, and it craves reality.

i'm really trying to learn what it means to live free. i'm not positive yet, but i'm pretty sure it's mostly in these moments. such wonderful, sweet realities.

2009-07-06T01:25:00.001-04:00

man oh man.

don't you just love him?

2009-06-30T17:15:00.002-04:00

i think i'm too deep for my own good.
elaborate , but i don't know how.
i guess i feel like my thoughts are so intangible, more like emotions that i can't define with words.
these things leave me a bit disconnected.
i've had less to say, more to worry about, and i feel less experiencing, more existing.
i mean, don't get me wrong. things are so great. amazing, even. so says my head. but heart, where are you? are you getting any of this? are you still beating inside of my chest? it seems like you're missing. come on, catch up.
the future is bright, and blinding my eyes, it's high, it's a long way down, and i'm ready, i'm running, i'm running, but it's the pause before the descent, that moment suspended in time -

are you sure?

falling is like this...

2009-06-14T00:20:00.002-04:00

make known to me your ways,
Lord; teach me your paths.
guide me in the truth and teach me,
for you are God my savior.
- psalm 25:4-5

i have heard your prayers and have seen your tears. i will heal you.
- 2 kings 20:5

once more will he fill your mouth with laughter, and your lips with rejoicing.
- job 8:21

these three verses are the epitome of my past six months.

i am overwhelmed with emotion when i consider that.
the specifics don't matter anymore. all of those little details fall to the wayside, because what happened to me was quite simple and can be summed up nicely. i was broken. and he fixed me. he foretold to me these three things, and these three things he followed through with. because i got lost. because i let my compass get broken and lost direction, lost sight of his guiding star. i was so deep into the woods that it took an entire forest fire for me to find my way. and that fire was so hot and smoky and painful, i thought surely it was going to kill me. and all of those trees ached as they burned and blackened and fell and died all around. trees that were sacred, that had grown tenderly and affectionately all around me for such a long time.

but they had to go for me to find my way out.

and out i found, eventually, slowly, certainly not without running back into those raging flames a time or two. trying to stop that fire with a thimble full of water here or there. looking at all of that destruction and feeling so utterly hopeless. but there it was, the path for me to follow, in the clearing i could now see it, go to it, slowly, putting my foot out at first like testing the waters of a swimming pool, so slow at first. at times, flat out sitting down in an act of rebellion, not moving a single muscle. occasionally walking backwards. but then, with each step, slow and steady, his confidence grew inside of me. those steps were long and heavy at first. but that confidence i began to find in him turned out to be this little thing he does called healing, each step a little lighter than the one before. and progression, progression, i'm moving swiftly in the direction he's leading me.

and oh, that joy. it's been so long since that joy. it's not the isolated kind, coming from a good night out with friends or a compliment or a funny story. its the kind of joy that permeates your being. the kind of joy that happens when i can't even think about almighty without being filled with emotions of thanksgiving, praise, worship. when my world is no longer sluggish and dragging, because my soul is so energized. and i'm laughing so hard. because you are my joy, you are my joy.

a snapshot: i'm taking my time day by day, enjoying the moment, sleeping less and staying in less, because there's so much to do, so much life to experience, so many things to embrace and be in love with. and i'm this new thing. i've never been this thing before! i'm looking back with these new eyes that can see nothing but optomism, because i grew and changed and learned. because i'm growing and changing and learning. and because my god took me through something big and difficult and utterly agonizing. but he's faithful, he's so faithful! faithful and there he was on the other side, and there he is, as he always was, as he always will be - with something redeeming, life changing, breathtaking.

and i can't wait for the rest.

2009-06-14T00:02:00.002-04:00

my mind feels spastic, all over the place.
it's a good thing, mostly.
except when it comes to sitting down and trying to write about one specific thing, when there are so so many things.

like this beautiful book i just read called traveling mercies by anne lamott. her writing is like taking a deep breath of fresh air. she's so candid and has this really neat way of making all her life's experiences sound so sacred, so real and raw, so interwoven into this beautiful long story. words don't do justice to the way her writing moves.

or the way this poem makes me feel, which i found at the start of her book:

listen
with the night falling we are saying thank you
we are stopping on the bridge to bow from the railings
we are running out of the glass rooms
with our mouths full of food to look at the sky
and say thank you
we are standing by the water looking out
in different directions

back from a series of hospitals back from a mugging
after funerals we are saying thank you
after news of the dead
whether or not we knew them we are saying thank you
in a culture up to its chin in shame
living in the stench it has chosen we are saying thank you

over telephones we are saying thank you
in doorways and in the backs of cars and in elevators
remembering wars and the police at the back door
and the beatings on stairs we are saying thank you
in the banks that use us we are saying thank you
with the crooks in office with the rich and fashionable
unchanged we go on saying thank you thank you

with the animals dying around us
our lost feelings we are saying thank you
with the forests falling faster than the minutes
of our lives we are saying thank you
with the words going out like cells of a brain
with the cities growing over us like the earth
we are saying thank you faster and faster
with nobody listening we are saying thank you
we are saying thank you and waving
dark though it is
- w.s. merwin

can you feel the energy flowing through it? do those words ignite something inside of you like they do me? do you feel it? amongst every broken place, do you feel that sort gratitude in its great entirety? it's so strong and beautiful. and again, i have no words to do it justice. its just that feeling inside of me. sacred.

anyway. i didn't take away any profound sort of intellectual knowledge from this book, which often happens for me. but i feel like i was handed someone else's soul, like i made a lifelong friend, like someone sat with me awhile and stoked the embers of my spirit alive. that's just amazing to me.

2009-06-03T03:38:00.002-04:00

facebook technologies have ruined my life, because now i constantly want to "like" things that can't be liked, and whenever i think about what's going on in my life, i do it in the form of status updates. like if this post were a facebook status update, it would read:

mary is really loving life right now.
mary hasn't felt this good in a long time.
mary loves that god is totally faithful.
mary is taking a train to portland in an hour and is more pumped about it than anything.
mary loves train rides, they're her favorite mode of transportation.
mary can't wait to go to powells, edies five and dime, the corner of morris and rodney, kateri, SE 63rd, and the oregon coast.
mary is so so so excited for surprises.
mary doesn't have words for how ecstatic she is about seeing her old roomies.
mary hopes she gets to sleep in the tree house.
mary is looking forward to hearing neighbor drew say, 'snippity dippity, y'all'.
mary is excited for the future.

yep.
that's how lame i am.
but really, it's kind of fun to do.
and man, things are just so great...

2009-05-26T03:05:00.004-04:00

tonight i realized that i daily hide behind shame
unwilling to truly release history.
and in turn, am taking away the power of christ in my life, the profound ways that he's changed me.
because i take his love for granted.
because i don't truly believe it's the way he says it is.
because i can't just own up to myself.

but i am who i am, and these paths i've taken, no matter how broken down or beaten they were, still got me to this place. it may not be as pretty as your story is, you may doubt that i'm even here at all. but i'm here. i know it without a doubt. and i'm aligning myself with him in ways i've never done before. ever realizing my constant need for him to be on my mind, my lips, my heart. and gosh, i'm broken. but i'm alive in him which means the story isn't over yet. no, the story isn't over yet.

2009-05-22T00:34:00.002-04:00

whirlwind is the only way to describe my life right now.
but it's the best kind, the fun kind, the nearly-summer-seventy-degree-nights kind, the staying up late kind, the new friends and adventures and things kind.

in the place i am sitting right at this moment, i have no clue what my near future will bring. i do know, however, that it will definitely be decided by next week. and i'm praying, but i don't really know what for, because like always, who the heck even knows what i want? certainly not me. christ's will and direction. that's what i want. but who the heck even knows what that is? certainly not me. not yet anyway.

but i'm feeling good. i'm feeling really, really good.

in other news, i got sent mail today addressed to 'matt cassidy' - clearly meant for me. what?! how in the world does that happen? seriously.