i really can't wait until my room is done being remodeled. then maybe i can feel organized and responsible.

tonight i made this recipe and it was the tastiest thing ever, but half way through preparation, i realized i was out of a key ingredient and had to run to giant eagle. literally, as i was walking into giant eagle, i thought, hmm. what shoes am i wearing? i looked down. they were no shoes at all, but my house slippers. i guess maybe this wouldn't be a huge deal to normal people, but not so much when your slippers look like this:











i know, right? why do i even have these ridiculous slippers? but i really like owls and i really like slippers and i really like things on sale at target. and i guess a really big part of me is still twelve.
i felt like a total moron wearing them in giant eagle.

i started downloading the 'this american life' podcast recently. i love it for the same reason i like things like npr and the magazine mental floss: it's way too intelligent for me, but i learn stuff and its often witty and quirky, so i'm good to go. and i learn just enough to start conversations like, "mom! did you know that people who work for the fdic are basically like secret agents? because they have to buy out banks that are failing and they can't tell anyone about it so they get secret identities when they're on the job and stuff."
and i also use the information i gather so that i can appear not like a total reject when talking to people who actually know things about our society, because in most cases i do not.

i think mostly people who listen to npr and read magazines like mental floss just sit there listening or reading and nodding their heads in either fond agreement, saying things like, oh yes. oh yes. mmmhmmm. or shaking their heads in disgust and running to their computers to write a snarky email about their disagreement.
and then there's me, who just thinks stuff i don't really know about is so totally cool.

and how i spent a half hour today taking quizzes on mentalfloss.com like: name that sesame street song, computer virus or celebrity baby name?, and discontinued ben and jerry's flavor or band i found on myspace?

so this is what i've been doing with my time.
and watching episodes of house.

i also love how the little girl i babysit for can literally spend hours coloring. coloring is seriously my favorite thing ever. i love it. so much. i cannot even say how much satisfaction i get from staying in the lines while making an image come to life. okay. but seriously, i colored three cabbage patch kids pages today. it was great.

so i've been cooking, listening to smart things, wasting my time on the internet, watching doctor shows, and coloring with five year olds.
this is where my college degree has taken me.

omg, pioneer woman.
i spent a better half of my day reading the dating chronicles of her now hubs. it's great story, and i hope it's all true because i want to believe there are other men in the world that exist like this.

an excerpt:
"But Marlboro Man had changed all of that. He’d ridden into my life on his speckled gray horse and had rescued me from my hardness. He’d taught me that when you love someone, you say it—right then, right there, and that when it comes to matters of the heart, games are what children play.

That’s all I’d been up until then: a child. A child masquerading as a disillusioned adult, looking at love much as I’d looked at a round of Marco Polo in the pool at the country club: when they swim after me, I swim away. When I pursue, they hide. It’s never supposed to be easy. And there are accusations of peeking and cheating, and you always wind up sunburned and pruney and pooped. And no one ever, ever wins.

But then came Marlboro Man, who had helped me out of the pool, wrapped a towel around my blistering shoulders, and carried me to a world where love has nothing to do with competition or sport or strategy. He told me he loved me when he felt like it, when he thought of it. He never saw any reason not to."

maybe i should look into cowboys.
i kid.
sorta.

it's just pretty perfect, and makes me scream in my head, "this is the way guys are supposed to be!" a million times over, you know, the whole taking charge thing, being decisive, taking risks and chances, doing dreamy things...
do regular guys do this? or only cowboys? i'm just wondering.

eww. okay i had to get it out of my system. i feel like a trashy romance novel reader. fantasizing about the types of men that don't really exist doing things that don't really happen. but they did happen! unless this crazy blog writer just made up the entire story. i'm hoping i'm not too cynical to believe that's true. i'm hoping that's not really true. i'd feel very naive.

seriously though, there are guys out there who aren't in the game-playing business? what do they look like? do i have to move to texas now?

so, alli rogers. obvi.
and conversations about anti-professionalism, parenting, psychoanalytics, porn, feminism, art in cleveland, public schools, self-awareness.
long bike rides, a creek that begs to be played in, and really big hills that make legs ache.
new music.
not hardly being able to wait for summer and warmth.

and nothing feels new today
i'm just trying to catch the words before they float away
don't float away
keep singing
great is thy faithfulness
great is thy faithfulness
great is thy faithfulness.
morning by morning
morning by morning
morning by morning
new mercies
new mercies
new mercies i see.
new mercies
new mercies
new mercies i see.
so won't you sing
some mercies
over me.

so.
today was a nice day. i feel more established within the cleveland community after purchasing tickets for a cleveland film festival movie, meeting with my cleveland refugee family, and visiting the bike co-op in ohio city.

i had a great experience at the bike co-op. i'm not so familiar with the west side, so it took me awhile to find. it's down a road right along the river that is very industrial looking. there's a little sign that says "ohio city bike co-op, in rear". so i pulled into the parking lot...there were some cars, but no sign of an entrance into any of the buildings i was surrounded by. there was this garage-looking thing, easily could have been abandoned. i pulled around to the back of it where there was a man standing, and at first i was sure i had stumbled upon a homeless dwelling. but alas, it was the co-op. despite the disheveled look of the building, it was prime real estate - the bank of the river was literally ten feet away from the entrance. it was gorgeous. so i went inside and said something dumb, like "is this right?" and everyone kind of gave me a strange look. i am so awkward.

but then a nice man with a handlebar mustache showed me the road bikes and got me fitted for a really sweet one. he explained how their co-op worked with their membership program, which is pretty neat. after being there for about an hour, they had me sold on the bike and the membership. they assured me that it wasn't an all-male co-op (which i wasn't positive about at first, there were a bunch of middle-aged men hanging around and no female presence) and that it also was not filled with bike snobs. and i basically never have to pay for anything! i just volunteer my time and earn credits to get free stuff. and i get free repairs. and free bicycle maintenence classes. neato.

so i am the proud owner of a new (used) bicycle and a member of the ohio city bike co-op. wow, i don't remember the last thing i was a member of. maybe i'll make friends.

so i guess now would be a good time to unveil my summer plan of living in a tipi, getting a job at a vineyard, and riding my bike all over northern geauga county. i can't figure out what i want to do with my life, except this. for the summer anyway. bathing in creeks may get old after awhile. we'll see.

i keep feeling all this pressure to be a "professional" now that i've graduated college. it's like as soon as people find out i'm done with school their next question is, "what are you doing now?" and it feels like i have to say something prestigious sounding, or i look like a bum who isn't going anywhere with my life. i don't want to wear dress pants and a blouse every day. i don't want to have a blackberry. i definitely don't want to be a part of linkedin, which i've quickly learned is the professional thing to do. i don't really want to hear about networking or getting my name out there or meeting people who can help me get a job. if my dad tells me one more time that for every forty resumes i send out only three places will call, i won't survive it. i don't want to be a professional. i want to enjoy life, which isn't measured for me by a successful job or career path.

besides, i want to learn some sweet wilderness skills.

and yes. i am still obsessing over pioneer woman.

"for if i know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, i obviously need help! i realize that i don't have what it takes. i can will it, but i can't do it. i decide to do good, but i don't really do it, i decide not to do bad, but then i do it anyway. my decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. something has gone wrong deep within me, and gets the better of me everytime. it happens so regularly that its predictable. the moment i decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. i truly delight in God's commands, but its pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. parts of me covertly rebel, and just when i least expect it, they take charge."

i love paul. i also enjoy a good message translation now and then. especially this one.

gosh, i can't even think of a better way to describe this human condition.
we are so wrong.
god is so right.

how my heart skips beats when
your love accepts me as i am.

"drink moderately, for drunkenness neither keeps a secret, nor observes a promise."
- Miguel de Cervantes, spanish novelist.