we took the long way round
when you took my hand and said "it's
just a little bit
just a little bit further."
and in promising,
will we get there soon?

i peek with the tiny,
tiny circles inside of my head
that see and know, navigate
through the sparkle and shine in them.

see trees, climbing higher
and higher and higher to the skies
with branches reaching out to hold
me, cradle me under the stars
do these trees know the long way round?

they see colors, deep, rich -
glorious.
colors that are visible
but words can't capture
colors that
steal breaths away from chests.

"don't be scared of anything,"
you say, and i want
i want to believe it.

but the night stars - sometimes
not bright enough to shine
comfort on me.
and the trees, they whisper
sometimes to me
too faint to hear their secrets
but loud enough to worry.

the reds and blues
greens, yellows have put on
masks of black
and i
can't make out faces
only shapes.
it is dark and i am

holding your fingers tighter still,
holding your words
waiting
for just a little bit
just a litte bit further.

so i was reading a stuff christians like post about 'this is weird, but...' moments with god. some things were just crazy. crazy! it's funny because i've been struggling a bit lately, with seeing the direct hand of god in things, mostly feeling defeated. reading the old testament, it's hard not to see god as very legalistic. and me, someone who has never been good at following the rules, i feel like maybe i'll just never get it, i'm going to keep being stuck in this rut forever. creating horrible patterns. i wonder how much i'm changing, growing, being good soil. my desires are there, they're really there. but i often lack the follow through, the put-togetherness, and sometimes i think, just the stuff that it takes. i know i can't do it by myself, but i also believe that god requires a true effort from us. and i wonder, what if i don't even have that in me?

but then i remember that i had a 'this is weird, but...' moment with god once. he revealed himself to me in the realest of ways, he called me, sought me out. and if i didn't have what it takes, he probably wouldn't have wasted his time. i don't think god usually wastes his time.

sometimes i get caught up in this image of god that is hard or cold. an image of god who doesn't particularly like me. who's kind of sick of me. so i am thankful to remember that our creator cares about us. he saves us, looks out for us, loves us. and it makes me want to emulate that.

speaking words that don't really matter, because i don't know how to form the ones that do.

so usually when i use my laptop, it is on top of my... LAP. yes. this is how it's supposed to be, no? they wouldn't call something a laptop unless whenever you wanted to use it you were lying in bed with it on top of your lap.

after doing this for years, lately i've been wondering if i'll develop cancer of the stomach, or thighs, because laptops have a lot of chemicals, don't they? am i getting all that nasty stuff into my body?

ohhh, but it's so comfortable to lie in bed and type. so much better on my back. such a dilemma.

when you think you should speak -

you probably shouldn't say anything at all.

my new favorite thing is looking up etymologies.
which led me to stumble upon this, and it made me giggle.

"The expression [the shit hits the fan] is related to, and may well derive from, an old joke. A man in a crowded bar needed to defecate but couldn't find a bathroom, so he went upstairs and used a hole in the floor. Returning, he found everyone had gone except the bartender, who was cowering behind the bar. When the man asked what had happened, the bartender replied, 'Where were you when the shit hit the fan?' "

words are fascinating!

It's the first day of spring
And my life is starting over again
The trees grow, the river flows
And its water will wash away my sins
For I do believe that everyone has one chance
To fuck up their lives
But like a cut down tree, I will rise again
And I'll be bigger and stronger than ever before

For I'm still here hoping that one day you may come back
For I'm still here hoping that one day you may come back

There's a hope in every new seed
And every flower that grows upon the earth
And though I love you, and you know that
Well I no longer know what that's worth
But I'll come back to you in a year or so
And I'll rebuild, be ready to become
Oh the person, you believed in
Oh the person, that you used to love

For I'm still here hoping that one day you may come back
For I'm still here hoping that one day you may come back

sort of obsessed with noah and the whale right now. i recall hearing them in portland, and promptly forgot about them until driving with darja the other day. they are beautiful and brilliant. they have a new cd that doesn't come out until october sixth, but some of the songs are listenable online. like this song. it's my favorite. i can't wait to get this album. i'm very excited. and very in need of autumn sounds. which is ironic, since the album is called the first days of spring. hmm. bad timing.

i wonder about many things.