this evening i had the sad task of saying farewell to two of my closest comrades. it's a real end of an era, as these two special friends have been such an integral part of my life during the past years. one of them has shown me what true beauty looks like. the other has shown me courage and humor. both of them have blessed me beyond belief.

i've never met two people who are more inclusive, who delight so deeply in sharing their love with everyone in their midst. in a dark place for me, it was these two kids who came barging in with candles and  torches to light the place up. they let me confess, examine, complain, cry, trash talk, question, and agonize over and over. how they didn't get so sick of me i'll never know. but quite the contrary, they embraced my suffering and walked alongside me, lifted me up with prayers and laughter.  they made sure my bucket was filled to the brim with encouragement and affirmation. and they did it together. so many endless conversations about the intricacies of this crazy life, about beauty and truth, about brokenness and redemption - their precious companionship means to me more than i could ever express with words. being given a sense of belonging - having friends as a couple who would allow me to become the definition of third wheel, it just puts such a smile on my face. who else would let some crazy girl jump in on a road trip to niagara or hang around on valentine's day, seriously?

i know that as they begin this new, so very exciting journey together, they will continue this outpouring of blessing and love. and that makes me very glad. but the selfish parts of me want to keep them forever! they are so, so wonderful. i can't say it enough. i am so blessed!

whew. whirlwind.

all of the ways that i am so backwards and he still fills my life to the brim with blessing and love, grace and beauty.

bestowing upon me so many breathtaking moments, like fireworks and lightning, lapping water and the stars coming out, all in the midst of life-giving conversations.

like every little piece going from fuzzy to in-focus, falling, crashing into place, perfectly put together for me to dive into. perfectly ordained.

like resting beneath the city's noises, its hanging lights and encompassing sustainability, supporting things that are everlasting, with company that is everlasting - the most comfortable, beautiful, inspiring company i know.

like being given tasks and responsibilities i know i cannot accomplish with my own means, but through him, through his presence, i have faith.

like free falling into the depths of grace.

and the ways that words don't do any of these justice.

and it's home, home.

happy to have been present during the past few weeks. happy to be here again, and to be present here.

commence a whirlwind year! 

you know that feeling when you're away from home, as your journey begins to wind down and movement is in the midst, you really start looking forward to going back again and just getting home?

i usually feel this.

but today, after waking up, morning twelve of sleeping without an alarm clock, taking a leisurely walk to one of the four thai restaurants that are in a ten-block radius, enjoying a tasty meal with the company of a good book, a strong realization washed over me and stayed.

i happily exist here. its transition and change in my life has been so natural and comfortable that it feels like regular life to me. i could go on living like this.

i won't, because it happens to be about the most selfish decision i could make for myself right now, but i could. and i would love it.

i have always said, and have had numerous conversations with others about, the particular energy and vibe that is given off by this place. i cannot speak for others and their experiences in the northwest, but as for my own, i have been blessed to discover a tiny niche that exists. a group of individuals that has come together through so many different facets of common ground. a thread of communion has banded these people together strongly - this communion is based in bringing out the best in one another. it's mostly through creativity, through imagination that breeds fun. but there is such a childlike innocence to this fun - and a safe space that encompasses people to let guards down and just enjoy the sheer presence of life in our midst. time doesn't seem to be moving too quickly, and obligations are mingled into the routine with ease and joy, everything else just seems to float away. nothing is taken too seriously, and yet fun, carefree times are often seasoned with deep, meaningful exchanges. about the world and about one another. it's beautiful, and sometimes a bit messy, but not heavy or overwhelming.

i've been so angry and hard on myself, and i see how impractical that's been. how not life-giving it is for me and for others.

and my response many times on this journey, to things i know little about, to lifestyles and worldviews that look vastly different to my own, has simply been, there is a multitude of love to be given in this world.

and i mean it. i am learning to love humanity, to love people. to see others in the beat of their own journeys. and to intersect and align ourselves together for this small time.

i see life, life, life. and i have really been enjoying listening. and discovering.

a place that encompasses me in oh so many ways.
dreary to sunlit, to dreary and back again. cycles of so much.
and i am reminded, aside deep, clean waters
to go up
and up and up
until i see the picture in entirety
instead of just the dis-satisfaction of immediacies.

and those familiar refugee sounds beckon...

this is the new year.