the other night after church, i had a beautiful conversation with lovely people, all of whom encompass so much wisdom and intelligence. i left feeling so refreshed, like i had been breathing in clean air. it was a delight.

it got me thinking about faith things, about things like 'being saved' and only reading one specific version of the bible, or handing out tracts to strangers in order to invite them to christ. these things, all in all, feel so wrong to me. there's something deep inside of me that tightens up and presses in, causing me to hold my breath for fear that if this is the truth, i don't think i can stomach it. and so i create within myself mini-crises, because i worry that what i believe is wrong. i worry that seeing god everywhere is a cop-out. i worry that believing in rescuing people from their own hell now isn't as good as rescuing them from the idea of an eternal hell later on. i worry that selflessly serving others is just an after thought, rather than the forefront of following christ. that maybe the forefront really IS just getting people 'saved', making sure they're going to heaven.

but then there's this feeling i get when talking about the things i really believe to be true about following christ. that love really is the law of the land, not justice on people that we think are 'sinful'. that god really is everywhere, and he calls over and over and over for selfless service. not for bible tracts. that following jesus is about the here and now first, not the distant afterworld. and it's not an emotion that i feel, or a longing for these things to be true. it's something that resonates deep in my core, in my soul, that shouts a resounding yes. these are the things we're meant to live for. these things are truth, and nothing else really matters.

i hope i never become so legalistic that i miss out on the way god moves through the branches of the trees.

so like everyone i know, i've gone and jumped on the glee bandwagon. a little late, maybe, but i've now caught myself up to present speed. and at first, i couldn't understand what everyone's, including my own, fascination with the show is. yes, it's quirky, and cute - but it sort of reminds me of old after school television (like the tv adaption of clueless), or it's a little bit reminiscent of ugly betty, which i guess was/is a popular show, but only appeals to a few. everywhere, everyone i know is talking about glee. my intelligent, snarky friends love it. my friends that i would expect to like it, like it. my mom loves it. multitudes of both male and female friends love it. my pastor loves it. i simply couldn't understand this phenomenon. it's a whisper away from high school musical, throw in a few adult references and zac efron may as well be the star. the storyline is mostly predictable, the characters are stereotypical and politically correct, and there aren't any big named stars - not even underground big named stars, as the show's fallback. so what is it?

i'm still not entirely sure. all i can reason is my own love for the show. it comes because i am cheesy. and easily entertained. and maybe, (mostly) it's because i can live vicariously through the girls on the show who have amazing skills - something i always dreamed of in high school. having a pretty voice, being the star of an actual, live show - that would have made my life in high school. so maybe that's it, maybe that's what it is for everyone. there's a little bit of something for everyone in that, being able to live vicariously through these high school kids, the things we weren't able to do in high school, or the things we did that just weren't cool. making things like band and chorus socially acceptable. making being in a wheelchair okay, getting pregnant in high school okay, having a developmentally disabled person become a cheerleader okay.

so with all things that i read too deeply into, i'm hopeful with a show like this. what if this influences kids in ways that we were never influenced in high school? to allow kids to break from their rigid social roles and realize that's not how it is in real life? could you imagine the amazing things that would ensue if children were pushed to follow their dreams, rather than the dreams of their parents or the dreams of what is socially acceptable? it would be unbelievable. it's okay to know yourself. to learn how to be comfortable in your own skin. to stand up for your beliefs, values, interests, for yourself - and not be ashamed of what others think. and i'm hoping that's the underlying message glee is trying to send. i'm hoping, even if it isn't, that's the message that gets sent anyway. because it's a good one.

a few tumultuous weeks. world-class traveling, gma on the rocks, late nights, a little bit of going back in time, even.

i'm hoping to stand on solid ground, for a short time anyhow. cleveland's been so good to me, like the way a mattress sinks and confroms to your body falling back, welcoming me, healing me, sitting with me. but soon, i can feel, i need to make my peace. i guess i've been feeling this way for awhile now, and certainly voicing it - although there's been no clear direction behind those words. but the past month(s) have changed perspective on many things. my intentions for cleveland, my planned purposes for this place, the things i saw in here - they don't stand in front of me anymore. it's like i just keep stepping back and back and back, and the scene gets bigger and bigger as things that used to be so close and huge to me become smaller. wow.

so i got over this thing. it was a pretty big thing, with really deep roots, that i knew were deep, but they were infinitely deeper than i thought. and getting over it, maybe that doesn't seem like a huge deal to anyone else. but to me, it's everything. it's probably the biggest thing i've ever accomplished. it's so unbelievably remarkable to me. this new found clarity, this leaving of an incredibly ambiguous time in my life, that's huge. i feel like i can actually do anything i want to do. that's reality to me now. i spent a really long time being almost there. now i'm there.

it's exciting. i feel relaxed in a way i haven't in a very long time. and i don't need to leave cleveland, but in a way, i do. it represents a lot of the past, where i was going, thought i wanted to go. but there are new things. the stepping back and seeing the bigger things that were before, beyond my vision. and i have big dreams.

"This isn't about you-- as selfish as that sounds. It's about me. It's about all the shit that I dealt with and I didn't deal with. But in any situation with long love, I don't think it ever really goes away fully. You just sort of learn where to keep it."


what happened to me?
rooms are spinning and making me dizzy
the last of the last frays
could pull together any moment and re-collide.
or could be cut off
for good
and who knows?
who knows but time.
and i have more than this to give,
more than this to offer,
i'm sorry
i always sell you short.
the only thing that exists is
right now, right here.
that's scary and comforting all at once,
how am i supposed to know any better?
it's so funny, not like that
that this isn't about that
odds are, odds are.
and we
have no
idea.