so i'm trying my hardest to learn about the character of god. because i know that is the only way i can fully grasp his power, his plans, his will in this world and maybe even his will in my life. i get impatient and i'm trying not to, i know its because i don't understand his character. i'm getting there.

it's not that i don't want to...

but i guess i'm just all out of things to say.

a virgin birth

we went to a beautiful midnight christmas eve mass tonight at a priest's house. the service was intimate and very blessed. as i sat during mass, i kept thinking about how mary must have felt when she had to have her baby in a barn. that really must have been the last straw for her - i know it would have been for me! i tried to imagine what it would be like today, if god called me to do what mary did - say i was engaged to be married, busy with planning my wedding - picking out cakes and flowers and dresses, excited about the future, with everything all planned out - where we'll live, when we'll have children, and all of a sudden god comes and he's like, hey. you're going to have a baby. now. what would my family say?! or my friends? would they even believe that a virgin birth was possible? honestly, come on. who would believe that one these days? i would probably feel totally humiliated. everything i had been planning for would have to change. every single plan i had for the future would completely and totally be turned upside down.

and i go through the months, trying to trust what god is doing here, and then, when i'm nine months pregnant, i have to go on this ridiculous trip with my fiancee. and its long and its tiring and we've been walking down the streets of a busy city for hours and hours, and all of a sudden, i'm in labor and we need to find a place to have this baby fast. and in some crazy way, everything around us is either closed or full. and so the only place to have my baby is in a dirty alleyway filled with dumpsters and garbage and a few stray animals, on some cardboard boxes. now this is the part that really kills me. at this point, i think i would start to doubt what god was doing here. seriously, god? you want your baby to be born in an alley? after everything that's happened, i can't even get a comfortable bed or a nice room or something? geez this is your freaking son! don't you want him to have anything nice? and the labor is hard and so tiring and i'm exhausted, and jesus comes and is wrapped in some old towels, lying on the cardboard boxes, and some homeless guys come and start worshipping him, because an angel appeared to them and told them about him, and they followed a star to find us. i'd probably be totally freaked!

and then, a few weeks later, some secret service type guys sent by the government come to check out this baby. and they bring him gifts! of money and jewelry (maybe some bling) and just completely lavish over him. and they say that they're going to quit their jobs and not go back to work for the government anymore because they've found a new king. holy smokes! i wouldn't even know what to think by now.

i can't imagine the incredible amount of gracefulness and selflessness mary offered god when she realized she was going to have to birth her child in a barn, surrounded by filth and farm animals and on hay?! has anyone ever lain on hay? gross! god really, this is the king of the world and you want me to have him in a barn? are you kidding me? i know that would be my attitude. but i bet that wasn't mary's attitude. and that's why god picked her. because he knew she would be willing to change all her plans. and he knew she would trust him, even when he called her to have her baby in a barn. and that she wouldn't freak out when a bunch of dirty shepherds came in because an angel sent them. or when guys who work for caeser came by and offered her baby super snazzy presents, and told her that he was their new king.

i want to be more like mary.

redeeming love.

"Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.

There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
There she will sing as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.

"In that day," declares the LORD,
"you will call me 'my husband';
you will no longer call me 'my master. '
I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips;
no longer will their names be invoked.

In that day I will make a covenant for them
with the beasts of the field and the birds of the air
and the creatures that move along the ground.
Bow and sword and battle
I will abolish from the land,
so that all may lie down in safety.

I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
in love and compassion.

I will betroth you in faithfulness,
and you will acknowledge the LORD.

"In that day I will respond,"
declares the LORD—
"I will respond to the skies,
and they will respond to the earth;

and the earth will respond to the grain,
the new wine and oil,
and they will respond to Jezreel.

I will plant her for myself in the land;
I will show my love to the one I called 'Not my loved one. '
I will say to those called 'Not my people,' 'You are my people';
and they will say, 'You are my God.' "

I've been thinking a lot about things, realizing a lot about our creator. It's hard to understand much of anything about God when everything is perfect and wonderful and going exactly the way we'd like. When things are good its easy to forget about how great He is to us, how incredible His love is for us, how endless His mercy is. When things are just going like they always have, we don't see the passion that God has for us like we do when things get bad. It's amazing to me, how strongly His presence shows up when we're in suffering. How strongly He can reveal His character when He wants to woo us back into His sight. How much He wants to remind us to follow Him, to live for Him, to lavish over Him.

Oh how He's made us relational people, and I'm seeing more and more how much He uses that to reveal His nature. Singing about His 'redeeming love' without anything to base it off of only sounds like nice and pretty words to me, a concept that I can't fully grasp or understand. Not until I've hurt another person I care so tremendously about and I'm at the mercy of that. Now, redeeming love sounds like the most amazing, beautiful thing I could even think of. And you're telling me He offers that to us every single second of our lives? You're telling me He loves me like that? You can't be serious. He's taking my breath away.

And I just picture Him leading me into the desert, into the middle of everything dead, away from all surroundings and familiarities - where the heck are we, God? I don't like it here, I'm scared, I don't know if I can handle this, God, what are you doing, why are you bringing me here? And He says oh beloved. I will speak tenderly to you. I will forget about everything that has happened. I will put behind all of the ways you have wronged me. I will give you hope, I will give you joy, I will give you love, I will give you life, I will give you peace, I will give you all of me.

His capacity for love is unreal.

what's round on the sides and high in the middle?

since i'm not in the pacific time zone anymore, i decided i needed a new spot for things. hi, this is the new spot.

i love home. i love cleveland and snow and family and friendly friends and little dogs and blue cars and just being safe.

i caught my first glimpse of lake erie yesterday. it was no ocean, there were no mountains in the distance, no dramatic scenery. it was same old lake erie. but it was quiet and still and simple and calm. it was perfectly everything i need.

i love everything about here, and maybe i'll just stay forever.