when i'm sick of fighting my demons and
tired of living in this terrible space of regret
and complexity
i realize the weight of the world
isn't everyone else
it's my own self-inflictings
i become free and alive
ready to conquer anything because
you can't bring me down
no,
you can't bring me down.

because this freedom i've found
is more than about joining another club
it's more than shutting your mouth and
not saying the things you should
it's not about pretending that the raw thing i am
doesn't even exist
because it does.
and i'm not sorry.

we're all alright.

i hate to keep saying this...

but things are so. busy.

i hardly have time to clean my room/car/dishes, or work on grad applications, or be crafty; so when i'm not sending emails/going to class/working/going to meetings/drinking beers, i'm trying to do all those other things.

it's good though! i am happy and productive. i'm doing things i care about. i'm in love with cleveland and my roommates and my million jobs and professors and everything else.

it's good.


she got
jumper cable lips
she got
sunset on her breath
i inhaled just a
little bit
now i got no fear of death.

some force caught hold of me today, beneath dark skies blowing chilly weather across the earth. thrust me into autumn-feeling, an emotion i can't accurately articulate, but one that does the strangest things to me. a sort of melancholia, but not depressed. nostalgic, but not regretful. deep-feeling. so vastly deep. a little bit alone, a little bit scary, amidst infinite possibilities. it's something about the way the wind blows, the way the night feels - noticeably absent is the electric of summer. things are becoming more still and silent. like i can feel the earth starting to hibernate.

what becomes very, very present are the memories of autumns past. as if i've re-created a scene precisely, with the same sounds and sights and smells. the time, it isn't there. but the feeling is. it's eerie and a bit comforting, unsettling. wishing and even reaching a bit for those times back, watching them fall from where they came.

and so it's long car drives, my first pack of cigarettes, colored leaves creeping along that dark, beautiful cemetery. playlists of songs only appropriate for fall weather. so many conversations about life and creation and creator. romantic feelings sneaking in, or sneaking away, weighing heavier than anything else or any other time.

winter, spring, summer memories by the multitude are blurred together by season in my shoddy mind library. but i could tell you what's happened every single october since seventeen.

every year i wonder if it's going to feel the same. and every year, without fail...

i went on a bike ride today. it was...unexplainably wonderful.

all of the crazy thoughts that run through my head, all of the distractions, the wanderings, the uncertainties and anxieties - it's overwhelming when the content of my thoughts are actually brought to my attention. the places of my mind begin to resemble a cluttered room, so when i search for something with purpose, i just end up tripping over all the junk on the floor or getting lost in something else. i weave through memories and scenarios and come across things that stop me from getting to where i actually want to me. noise. it just feels like a whole lot of noise.

i ride my bike, most of all, because it makes me feel free. it makes me feel free and connected to beauty and truth. i enjoy it because it pushes me to work harder. to discipline myself, to keep going even when it's hard. a large part of me constantly hopes this pushing myself will spill over into other areas of my life in which discipline hardly exists. there are so many similarities to pushing myself physically and pushing myself spiritually. doing things that are good for my body and doing things that are good for my soul.

today: so breathtaking. the sun shining and the temperatures just right enough to feel like autumn is at our doorstep. so as i rode today, i longed to feel connected to this. instead i found myself with a whole lot of noise. these thoughts that just creep into my tiny little brain and steal me from enjoying what i am doing. from being present. i wonder how much i miss because i can't seem to quiet my rambling thoughts.

and so i concentrated. i concentrated on the things i wanted to be thinking about. the way the light hits the tops of the trees. the road beneath my feet. the green of this earth - it won't be green for much longer. i thought about how i came to meet my creator. to be present and stay awhile in that presence.

then, there it was. a collaboration of silencing noise, of pushing myself and realizing how unbelievably amazing it feels to be alive. buzzing with electricity and feeling the blood inside of my fingertips. it was just magic. everything feeling the way it's intended to be. having direction and purpose. enjoying this beautiful place. laughing and crying and being created for love.

i just love that. these are the moments for me when everything, everything makes sense.

this evening i had the sad task of saying farewell to two of my closest comrades. it's a real end of an era, as these two special friends have been such an integral part of my life during the past years. one of them has shown me what true beauty looks like. the other has shown me courage and humor. both of them have blessed me beyond belief.

i've never met two people who are more inclusive, who delight so deeply in sharing their love with everyone in their midst. in a dark place for me, it was these two kids who came barging in with candles and  torches to light the place up. they let me confess, examine, complain, cry, trash talk, question, and agonize over and over. how they didn't get so sick of me i'll never know. but quite the contrary, they embraced my suffering and walked alongside me, lifted me up with prayers and laughter.  they made sure my bucket was filled to the brim with encouragement and affirmation. and they did it together. so many endless conversations about the intricacies of this crazy life, about beauty and truth, about brokenness and redemption - their precious companionship means to me more than i could ever express with words. being given a sense of belonging - having friends as a couple who would allow me to become the definition of third wheel, it just puts such a smile on my face. who else would let some crazy girl jump in on a road trip to niagara or hang around on valentine's day, seriously?

i know that as they begin this new, so very exciting journey together, they will continue this outpouring of blessing and love. and that makes me very glad. but the selfish parts of me want to keep them forever! they are so, so wonderful. i can't say it enough. i am so blessed!

whew. whirlwind.

all of the ways that i am so backwards and he still fills my life to the brim with blessing and love, grace and beauty.

bestowing upon me so many breathtaking moments, like fireworks and lightning, lapping water and the stars coming out, all in the midst of life-giving conversations.

like every little piece going from fuzzy to in-focus, falling, crashing into place, perfectly put together for me to dive into. perfectly ordained.

like resting beneath the city's noises, its hanging lights and encompassing sustainability, supporting things that are everlasting, with company that is everlasting - the most comfortable, beautiful, inspiring company i know.

like being given tasks and responsibilities i know i cannot accomplish with my own means, but through him, through his presence, i have faith.

like free falling into the depths of grace.

and the ways that words don't do any of these justice.