some force caught hold of me today, beneath dark skies blowing chilly weather across the earth. thrust me into autumn-feeling, an emotion i can't accurately articulate, but one that does the strangest things to me. a sort of melancholia, but not depressed. nostalgic, but not regretful. deep-feeling. so vastly deep. a little bit alone, a little bit scary, amidst infinite possibilities. it's something about the way the wind blows, the way the night feels - noticeably absent is the electric of summer. things are becoming more still and silent. like i can feel the earth starting to hibernate.

what becomes very, very present are the memories of autumns past. as if i've re-created a scene precisely, with the same sounds and sights and smells. the time, it isn't there. but the feeling is. it's eerie and a bit comforting, unsettling. wishing and even reaching a bit for those times back, watching them fall from where they came.

and so it's long car drives, my first pack of cigarettes, colored leaves creeping along that dark, beautiful cemetery. playlists of songs only appropriate for fall weather. so many conversations about life and creation and creator. romantic feelings sneaking in, or sneaking away, weighing heavier than anything else or any other time.

winter, spring, summer memories by the multitude are blurred together by season in my shoddy mind library. but i could tell you what's happened every single october since seventeen.

every year i wonder if it's going to feel the same. and every year, without fail...