i really can't wait until my room is done being remodeled. then maybe i can feel organized and responsible.

tonight i made this recipe and it was the tastiest thing ever, but half way through preparation, i realized i was out of a key ingredient and had to run to giant eagle. literally, as i was walking into giant eagle, i thought, hmm. what shoes am i wearing? i looked down. they were no shoes at all, but my house slippers. i guess maybe this wouldn't be a huge deal to normal people, but not so much when your slippers look like this:











i know, right? why do i even have these ridiculous slippers? but i really like owls and i really like slippers and i really like things on sale at target. and i guess a really big part of me is still twelve.
i felt like a total moron wearing them in giant eagle.

i started downloading the 'this american life' podcast recently. i love it for the same reason i like things like npr and the magazine mental floss: it's way too intelligent for me, but i learn stuff and its often witty and quirky, so i'm good to go. and i learn just enough to start conversations like, "mom! did you know that people who work for the fdic are basically like secret agents? because they have to buy out banks that are failing and they can't tell anyone about it so they get secret identities when they're on the job and stuff."
and i also use the information i gather so that i can appear not like a total reject when talking to people who actually know things about our society, because in most cases i do not.

i think mostly people who listen to npr and read magazines like mental floss just sit there listening or reading and nodding their heads in either fond agreement, saying things like, oh yes. oh yes. mmmhmmm. or shaking their heads in disgust and running to their computers to write a snarky email about their disagreement.
and then there's me, who just thinks stuff i don't really know about is so totally cool.

and how i spent a half hour today taking quizzes on mentalfloss.com like: name that sesame street song, computer virus or celebrity baby name?, and discontinued ben and jerry's flavor or band i found on myspace?

so this is what i've been doing with my time.
and watching episodes of house.

i also love how the little girl i babysit for can literally spend hours coloring. coloring is seriously my favorite thing ever. i love it. so much. i cannot even say how much satisfaction i get from staying in the lines while making an image come to life. okay. but seriously, i colored three cabbage patch kids pages today. it was great.

so i've been cooking, listening to smart things, wasting my time on the internet, watching doctor shows, and coloring with five year olds.
this is where my college degree has taken me.

omg, pioneer woman.
i spent a better half of my day reading the dating chronicles of her now hubs. it's great story, and i hope it's all true because i want to believe there are other men in the world that exist like this.

an excerpt:
"But Marlboro Man had changed all of that. He’d ridden into my life on his speckled gray horse and had rescued me from my hardness. He’d taught me that when you love someone, you say it—right then, right there, and that when it comes to matters of the heart, games are what children play.

That’s all I’d been up until then: a child. A child masquerading as a disillusioned adult, looking at love much as I’d looked at a round of Marco Polo in the pool at the country club: when they swim after me, I swim away. When I pursue, they hide. It’s never supposed to be easy. And there are accusations of peeking and cheating, and you always wind up sunburned and pruney and pooped. And no one ever, ever wins.

But then came Marlboro Man, who had helped me out of the pool, wrapped a towel around my blistering shoulders, and carried me to a world where love has nothing to do with competition or sport or strategy. He told me he loved me when he felt like it, when he thought of it. He never saw any reason not to."

maybe i should look into cowboys.
i kid.
sorta.

it's just pretty perfect, and makes me scream in my head, "this is the way guys are supposed to be!" a million times over, you know, the whole taking charge thing, being decisive, taking risks and chances, doing dreamy things...
do regular guys do this? or only cowboys? i'm just wondering.

eww. okay i had to get it out of my system. i feel like a trashy romance novel reader. fantasizing about the types of men that don't really exist doing things that don't really happen. but they did happen! unless this crazy blog writer just made up the entire story. i'm hoping i'm not too cynical to believe that's true. i'm hoping that's not really true. i'd feel very naive.

seriously though, there are guys out there who aren't in the game-playing business? what do they look like? do i have to move to texas now?

so, alli rogers. obvi.
and conversations about anti-professionalism, parenting, psychoanalytics, porn, feminism, art in cleveland, public schools, self-awareness.
long bike rides, a creek that begs to be played in, and really big hills that make legs ache.
new music.
not hardly being able to wait for summer and warmth.

and nothing feels new today
i'm just trying to catch the words before they float away
don't float away
keep singing
great is thy faithfulness
great is thy faithfulness
great is thy faithfulness.
morning by morning
morning by morning
morning by morning
new mercies
new mercies
new mercies i see.
new mercies
new mercies
new mercies i see.
so won't you sing
some mercies
over me.

so.
today was a nice day. i feel more established within the cleveland community after purchasing tickets for a cleveland film festival movie, meeting with my cleveland refugee family, and visiting the bike co-op in ohio city.

i had a great experience at the bike co-op. i'm not so familiar with the west side, so it took me awhile to find. it's down a road right along the river that is very industrial looking. there's a little sign that says "ohio city bike co-op, in rear". so i pulled into the parking lot...there were some cars, but no sign of an entrance into any of the buildings i was surrounded by. there was this garage-looking thing, easily could have been abandoned. i pulled around to the back of it where there was a man standing, and at first i was sure i had stumbled upon a homeless dwelling. but alas, it was the co-op. despite the disheveled look of the building, it was prime real estate - the bank of the river was literally ten feet away from the entrance. it was gorgeous. so i went inside and said something dumb, like "is this right?" and everyone kind of gave me a strange look. i am so awkward.

but then a nice man with a handlebar mustache showed me the road bikes and got me fitted for a really sweet one. he explained how their co-op worked with their membership program, which is pretty neat. after being there for about an hour, they had me sold on the bike and the membership. they assured me that it wasn't an all-male co-op (which i wasn't positive about at first, there were a bunch of middle-aged men hanging around and no female presence) and that it also was not filled with bike snobs. and i basically never have to pay for anything! i just volunteer my time and earn credits to get free stuff. and i get free repairs. and free bicycle maintenence classes. neato.

so i am the proud owner of a new (used) bicycle and a member of the ohio city bike co-op. wow, i don't remember the last thing i was a member of. maybe i'll make friends.

so i guess now would be a good time to unveil my summer plan of living in a tipi, getting a job at a vineyard, and riding my bike all over northern geauga county. i can't figure out what i want to do with my life, except this. for the summer anyway. bathing in creeks may get old after awhile. we'll see.

i keep feeling all this pressure to be a "professional" now that i've graduated college. it's like as soon as people find out i'm done with school their next question is, "what are you doing now?" and it feels like i have to say something prestigious sounding, or i look like a bum who isn't going anywhere with my life. i don't want to wear dress pants and a blouse every day. i don't want to have a blackberry. i definitely don't want to be a part of linkedin, which i've quickly learned is the professional thing to do. i don't really want to hear about networking or getting my name out there or meeting people who can help me get a job. if my dad tells me one more time that for every forty resumes i send out only three places will call, i won't survive it. i don't want to be a professional. i want to enjoy life, which isn't measured for me by a successful job or career path.

besides, i want to learn some sweet wilderness skills.

and yes. i am still obsessing over pioneer woman.

"for if i know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, i obviously need help! i realize that i don't have what it takes. i can will it, but i can't do it. i decide to do good, but i don't really do it, i decide not to do bad, but then i do it anyway. my decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. something has gone wrong deep within me, and gets the better of me everytime. it happens so regularly that its predictable. the moment i decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. i truly delight in God's commands, but its pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. parts of me covertly rebel, and just when i least expect it, they take charge."

i love paul. i also enjoy a good message translation now and then. especially this one.

gosh, i can't even think of a better way to describe this human condition.
we are so wrong.
god is so right.

how my heart skips beats when
your love accepts me as i am.

"drink moderately, for drunkenness neither keeps a secret, nor observes a promise."
- Miguel de Cervantes, spanish novelist.

what is it about this woman? she's so awesome: www.thepioneerwoman.com.
i don't like cowboys, chaps, spurs, or cattle drives, but i find myself really, really enjoying her blog about photography, gardening, decorating, cooking, and homeschooling. they're all pretty neat stuff anyway if you ask me. and even though i can't really relate to her lifestyle, the things she's involved in sort of translate into my world and i kind of want to be her.
not the living on a ranch part. but the staying at home, dabbling in all sorts of neat things, living this gorgeous life of loving her children and husband and loving herself!

which brings me to another point:
i've never really been an internet 'surfer', my coordination skills are definitely not the best (har har). but lately, i suppose with the exceeding amount of time i have on my hands and generally being all-around lazy, i've been surfing a lot. and i've realized that there are some pretty amazing people out there in the world. there's just so much creativity and ingenuity and humor that attracts all different sorts of people together who probably never would have come together on their own. and for example, this pioneer woman says that she isn't a professional in anything. she's just sharing her interests and hoping to share it with others. yet she's super popular and people can relate to her, learn things from her, and become inspired by her creativity. which is, i guess, why i've spent the past two hours reading her blog rather than surfing (there's that word again) the martha stewart or rachel ray websites...she's way more interesting and personal, and way more relatable. not that there's anything wrong with those women, but you know. who really makes their stuff look/taste like that in real life? whose kitchen/craft space/house is really that sweet in real life? not mine. the whole 'regular person' doing neat things is more inspiring for others to try it themselves.

anyway, i've realized how much i love diy and i love that people actually are diying, and encouraging others to do the same. like...why go to the store and buy a cake when you could learn how to bake it? you'd learn a sweet skill and also be able to have more appreciation for cake making, and hopefully feel glad that you could offer such a neat thing. why buy a sweater when you could learn how to make it yourself? why buy commercial artwork when you could make it yourself? there are loads of resources. get a few bob ross dvds from the library and learn how to paint some sweet landscapes. because there are no mistakes, just happy accidents after all...

well. it just makes me glad people out there are encouraging others to get in touch with their creative side. i used to think i was super bad at art in high school, and i suppose a bit of college. but when it came down to it, it was just that i never really tapped into that creative stream. now, i enjoy doing it and i'm happily enrolled in the school of thought that says why pay money for it if i could make it myself? way cooler. way more one of a kind.

browsing pioneer woman's blog also makes me remember how much i really think photography is so sweet. sometimes i think i forget. but it's such a talent and while i don't have an immediate desire to run out to the store and buy a fancy camera, i know that i really appreciate the skills.

i also love and am really jealous of their lodge style home they are remodeling. i want that. like a ship in a bottle.

and (!!!) she gives homeschooling such a good review. i'm not utterly convinced that if i ever have kids one day they must be homeschooled, but i'm definitely not opposed to the thought and i truly want to believe that homeschooled kids don't have to be weird. cmon! there's gotta be a way. cool kids can be homeschooled. i'd like to hope.

i could seriously probably continue talking about all the things i love about this woman's website (the marriage proposal she posted, the stories of how she met her hubs, fondant cupcake instructions, her giveaways...) but i will refrain. for now. she's soooo cool!

the glorious unseen is so beautiful.

this feeling, i don't really know what to do with it.
it's kind of numbness. but not exactly.
its sort of like i just don't know. what to do with it or my life or anything at all. and i guess i'm scared. but i'm not supposed to be scared. because he's got it under control. i'm the one with no control, no knowledge or humility, no goodness.

i guess that's more of what it is, this feeling.
i feel my humanity.

it started the other night when i realized how wrong everything was, how wrong i was. i'm so wrong, about most things in my life. i follow this being who is so amazing and unbelievable he can't even be contained in a name, and yet what do i have to show for it?
i spent my childhood awkward and not listening to or respecting very many people at all.
i spent my adolescence about the same way. except then i didn't even respect myself. and it showed. it shows.
i've now spent my early adulthood being dishonest, making impulsive decisions, acting foolishly, and giving away good things.
that's me. that's my life.

and what has he done?

he chose me to be blessed in the most privleged generation, country, race.
he provided safety through many foolish risks i took as a kid and dumb stuff i did.
he moved me away, bringing me off of a path that led straight to a dead end and into a place that brought me to him and brought my entire family to him.
he's given me teachers that have revealed to me his wonderful ways, that have made clear the confusion of him.
his hand has guided me up so many mountains.
he's shown me what a true woman of god is, and what one isnt.
he's taken away many things in order to reveal my sin to me.
he's instilled fear within me.
he's offered a limitless supply of grace each and every single time i don't get it.

no matter how much i screw it up. he uses me to glorify him. because that's all that matters in the end.
how long does it take to get it wrong before you get it?

how much of things are really a choice?
is saying you can't help something a character flaw, your own weakness?
can you really choose your thoughts, feelings, emotions?

i have so many wonders.

god is a place you will wait for the rest of your life.

so if i speak in the tongues of men and angels, but don't have love, i'm just a resounding gong or clanging cymbal.

if i have the gift of prophecy and can fathom every single mystery and all knowledge, and if i have the faith that moves mountains, but i don't have love, i am nothing.

if i give all that i have to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but i don't have love, i gain nothing.

love is patient.
it's kind and it doesn't envy.
it doesn't boast.
it's not proud, rude, or self-seeking.
love isn't easily angered.
it keeps not one single record of wrongs.
love doesn't delight in evil, rather, love rejoices with the truth.
it always protects.
it always trusts.
it always hopes.
it always preserves.

love never, never, never, never fails.

but where there are prophecies, they will cease.
where there are tongues, they will be stilled.
where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

for we know in part and we prophecy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.

when i was a child, i talked like a child, i thought like a child, i reasoned like a child.
when i became a man, i put childish ways behind me.

now i see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.
now i know in part; but then i shall know fully, even as i am fully known.

and now, these remain:
faith, hope and love.
but the greatest is always love.

i stabbed my finger with a fork last night while making cupcakes. it hurts really bad. the cupcakes on the other hand, are super tasty and cute.

i finally have a job interview on tuesday. a real job would be nice. i could use the money. we'll see.

i miss....lots.

i'm learning so many things about myself. i'm learning that i've never really understood what it means to be set apart. i'm learning how to set myself apart. i'm doing the things i've said for years. craving wisdom and understanding. trying to listen more and speak less. showing rather than telling. i'm learning how to be a follower of christ. i want to make the biggest changes that i ever could. i don't know where i'm going, and i'm not supposed to right now. but i'm resting in the assurance that when he does finally move, it will be huge.

keeping myself busy with:
proverbs
learning how to knit (!)
planet earth
pandora stations
closet organizers
a bit of retail therapy.

being on the up and up. and up and up and up and up and up....

is it wrong to say that i hate how i grew up?

i just read a blog i wrote as a senior in high school.

it broke my heart to think that's who i was. i mean, i remember doing all of those things. but my brokenness, lack of self-respect or worth, complete desperation for who finding who i was is so completely apparent when all of those memories are in words stacked one right after the other.

i'm so sad that's how i've come to where i am now. there's this part of me that thinks i should praise god i've come so far (which i absolutely do) but the overwhelming sense of sickness when thinking that is who i was is a bit stronger.

i don't want to be from there.

oh lord. anyone who is in christ is a new creation. please remind me i am a new creation. help me let go of the past.