the glorious unseen is so beautiful.

this feeling, i don't really know what to do with it.
it's kind of numbness. but not exactly.
its sort of like i just don't know. what to do with it or my life or anything at all. and i guess i'm scared. but i'm not supposed to be scared. because he's got it under control. i'm the one with no control, no knowledge or humility, no goodness.

i guess that's more of what it is, this feeling.
i feel my humanity.

it started the other night when i realized how wrong everything was, how wrong i was. i'm so wrong, about most things in my life. i follow this being who is so amazing and unbelievable he can't even be contained in a name, and yet what do i have to show for it?
i spent my childhood awkward and not listening to or respecting very many people at all.
i spent my adolescence about the same way. except then i didn't even respect myself. and it showed. it shows.
i've now spent my early adulthood being dishonest, making impulsive decisions, acting foolishly, and giving away good things.
that's me. that's my life.

and what has he done?

he chose me to be blessed in the most privleged generation, country, race.
he provided safety through many foolish risks i took as a kid and dumb stuff i did.
he moved me away, bringing me off of a path that led straight to a dead end and into a place that brought me to him and brought my entire family to him.
he's given me teachers that have revealed to me his wonderful ways, that have made clear the confusion of him.
his hand has guided me up so many mountains.
he's shown me what a true woman of god is, and what one isnt.
he's taken away many things in order to reveal my sin to me.
he's instilled fear within me.
he's offered a limitless supply of grace each and every single time i don't get it.

no matter how much i screw it up. he uses me to glorify him. because that's all that matters in the end.
how long does it take to get it wrong before you get it?