so i was reading a stuff christians like post about 'this is weird, but...' moments with god. some things were just crazy. crazy! it's funny because i've been struggling a bit lately, with seeing the direct hand of god in things, mostly feeling defeated. reading the old testament, it's hard not to see god as very legalistic. and me, someone who has never been good at following the rules, i feel like maybe i'll just never get it, i'm going to keep being stuck in this rut forever. creating horrible patterns. i wonder how much i'm changing, growing, being good soil. my desires are there, they're really there. but i often lack the follow through, the put-togetherness, and sometimes i think, just the stuff that it takes. i know i can't do it by myself, but i also believe that god requires a true effort from us. and i wonder, what if i don't even have that in me?

but then i remember that i had a 'this is weird, but...' moment with god once. he revealed himself to me in the realest of ways, he called me, sought me out. and if i didn't have what it takes, he probably wouldn't have wasted his time. i don't think god usually wastes his time.

sometimes i get caught up in this image of god that is hard or cold. an image of god who doesn't particularly like me. who's kind of sick of me. so i am thankful to remember that our creator cares about us. he saves us, looks out for us, loves us. and it makes me want to emulate that.