i've felt...

a lot of things lately, i suppose, but the looming feeling is unease. maybe someone else should be in charge for awhile, because i don't feel very qualified. most of me feels like a snapshot - i'm five or six, dressed up in adult's clothes. you can practically hear the thumping of nearly hollow shoes on the floor that swallow my feet right up. my arms are lost in the lengths of a sleeves-too-long shirt as four tiny pale fingers have found their way out of the tangled fabric just enough to hold up the waist attached to a flowing skirt. billowing across the floor, long past forgotten knees and ankles and everything else. there's a hat, all askew atop of my head, swallowing most parts of my face as it falls in every direction. my other hand is reaching through all that extra blouse, pushing the giant hat up, just enough to reveal a smile and a look that's caught in between being joyful and concentrating hard to navigate through chaos. i'm perpetually at that state of nearly toppling over, as i try to keep all my pieces in tact along the way.

but, largely, just unqualified. the more i feel like i'm supposed to be becoming refined, wrought with life experience and maturity, more appreciative because of a deeper understanding, the more i just feel like i'm becoming calloused. callousness won't get me anyplace worth being. perhaps i should just go make a snow angel and remember that it's good to be hopeful and have eyes fully capable of seeing beauty.