beating drums make beating hearts feel alive, and that energy is all i need, really.
oh lord, around your throne, that's a crazy big thought i can't even comprehend.
because talking about mlk and then not actually practicing what you're preaching must be the silliest thing ever;
perhaps that happened so we could see the contrast
because
are my hands clean?
and i was not made to sit
in front of a computer screen all day, it sort of crushes my soul.
the way that things pull me in and i'm invested and being invested means that if things fail, you've wasted all you've put into it. that should be okay. i want that to be okay. but just a little bit of me just wants to sit back and not have to worry about it. oh lord.
so i can do the dishes, but i can't get much of anything else right. so much for living like there's a resurrection. so much for like i want to.
are my hands clean?

you find me in the night
oh, let me tell you
you hold me in the night
let me tell you 
the sun will rise
i am lovesick
the sun will rise
no other love is destined
i will return
for my heart
to my first love
come on, ravish my heart
i will return
oh, let me tell you
to the one who loves me
let me tell you. 

like a deer pants, like a deer pants, so my soul...

i want to learn how to be in love with you.

had a wonderful weekend road trip to boston. one of the best six-hour long conversations i've had in a long time, the green of spring blossoms, stretching after being in a car for so long, the best veggie burger i've ever tasted and baaahsten accents, steveo and mare bear reunion, how much i love that guy. getting to know old faces a bit better, reminiscing, reminiscing - remember the time? getting silly and singing africa, freestyling and falling, beautiful sunshine and breezy weather that can cure any ailment, ponds and swans and the way branches bend. a holocaust memorial so beautiful, seeing baby seals for free, tasty cannolis, home made moroccan feast and some of the best food i've ever had, bellys full of mint tea, prayers in espanol, communal food coma induced naps through movies, more beautiful weather, blossoms and more blossoms, the warmth of your friend's childhood house, windy roads and long drives set to music.

so wonderful, thankful, so blessed. so very blessed.

everything else is sort of feeling like a whirlwind right now. feels like playing monster with a two and four year old, chasing around and around the house, running with feet so fast, around corners and through furniture. and suddenly we all meet, laughing and screaming and out of breath, i catch them, one in each arm, around their chests. timeout! i'll say, and we'll stand there together. take a deep breath! i'll say. and we all stop panting for a moment and inhale deeply, filling ourselves, quiet and still. we let it out slowly and then someone shouts go! and we go again, running and chasing and not stopping. but i need that moment to come, i need to be caught, to be commanded. time out! take a deep breath! to stand in stillness and quiet. just for a moment.

continuing the months-long process of de-cluttering my life, i came upon many nostalgic inducing things this evening going through junk in my room. times pass and things change and for some reason, it leaves me unsettled sometimes. silliest things like directions, library reciepts. lots of letters. remember when you said those things that are no longer applicable? words frozen in time. i have the tendancy to want to remember every little thing, even if it's not a pleasing memory. realizing that some things are good to forget, some things aren't worth tangible reminders. memory may fail, and perhaps that's not so bad.

not to mention the way i went back in time last night. so the story goes, but it won't get me down. i still know i'm going somewhere. and forward in time, not backward. realizing some things aren't good to forget.

put your ear close and hear the faint chattering of the songs that are to come.