thoughts of love.
love that i can't adequately capture in words, not some silly sentiment about romance or a new pair of shoes. this kind of love that is deep, to the core of being. love that creates, that moves and breathes and blows through our lives like this strong wind, unstoppable force. it's this love that brings people together, unifies and celebrates. it's the fiber of truth and beauty, of redemption, of all the stories we love to hear and tell. it's encouragement. the lapping of water or mountainous heights, the sun shining to create beautiful days and the way those days can make you feel - it's that love. it's the love that makes you feel happy, proud to be a human. because we are capable of knowing such love and sharing it with one another. it's a love that is stronger than death, because graves can't stop the force of this love. it's a powerful love that silences violence and oppression. it turns the enemy around. love that rescues and restores, steals the breath right from our lungs. we can do nothing but stand in awe, humility in the face of this.

we know this love.

whether we acknowledge it as something bigger than ourselves, bigger than our minds can comprehend, or brush it off as a feeling, an emotion - in the stillness of our core, it is there. demanding nothing but to offer more of itself to us. to be known and to be spread.  whether we yield to it or thrust it away from us - it's as saturating as the air that surrounds us.

and so what can i do? what can i do but drink deeply, acknowlege and yield and let it become me, that i may be an instrument, playing a beautiful, harmonious melody of this love.

i will make them one nation in the land, on the mountains of israel. there will be one king over all of them and they will never again be two nations or be divided into two kingdoms.

i have this weird pattern of feeling really, really good at the beginning of the week and then sorta not so good - freaking out about the world, etc - but the mid/end of the week. i've realized lately that it usually coincides with my own silly choices that are daily, weekly occurances. i'm going to try and pay more attention to my actions and how they negatively or positively affect my thoughts/emotions/general overall well being. seems like such a simple concept, right? and yet i feel largely like i just live my life and do things without considering how they are shaping everything about who i am. i'm a horribly impulsive creature, and moving less, stopping more is something that i really need to learn how to do. there must be some healthy balance between the two - and i am way off into mostly one direction. blerg.

in other wonderful things, alex and ryan are married and they had the best wedding i've ever attended. it was a blessing to be a part of their day. they're the greatest!

last night before bed, i heard a loud, terrible noise outside the window followed by screams and yells. i wasn't too surprised, the house on the corner always has weird, crazy happenings. but i went to the window and saw a group of people frantic, yelling and talking to one another. police and ambulance arrived and,

turns out a young girl was hit by her enraged boyfriend with his car. and then backed over. in front of their friends and neighbors. she passed on the way to the hospital. i hate to say it, but seriously. what is wrong with this world?

oh god, the ache in my heart for her.

my goodness. yesterday was the most wonderful day.

there's a place i know and on the rare occasions that i find myself there, i am overwhelmed by an encounter with the most wondrous creator. the thing is though that it isn't the place itself in which god dwells, that i could just go there and expect some sort of supernatural. a friend lovingly pointed out to me that the reason i always have these encounters, each and every time without fail, is because he's dwelling in the people who happen to be there at the particular time and moment i am having these encounters. people who are so open, so filled with the types of things that make humanity wonderful and beautiful - and because of that, i am stretched, challenged, blessed with wisdom and kindness and realizations that i certainly cannot find on my own. i am pulled more closely to my own humanness, which is precisely the intention. that's what we were made to be.

and so i am filled to the brim, swimming in abundance, pulled fervently in the direction of love. i am balanced and given a vision of myself exactly where i am in that moment - and the funny thing is that i'm always so much better off than i give myself credit for.

among yesterday's immeasurable revelations, a small one is that perfection offers no purpose for anyone or anything. messes and ugliness create purpose, spark imagination, creativity - what can we do with this mess? what can we do with this broken thing that can no longer be what it was, but perhaps could become something so much more? i think our first instinct with broken things is to get rid of them. but i've seen so much beauty come from trash mixed with a bit of imagination. and that resonates with my core a whole lot more than massive piles of discarded goods we no longer need.

especially when it's people we're talking about.

i was going to write something about particular things i'd like to be doing right at this very moment, but instead i was struck with the thought that mostly i spend many moments day-dreaming about idealistic locales instead of finding contentment in present surrounding. like for example right now (and most often usually) i want to be walking outside in the city of roses, slow and steady, admiring the blossoms and bright colors i know are there (because it's been raining every day since october); i want to be listening to the stillness in the summer's beginning. instead i am sitting on my couch in the middle of the country, where one can't really walk anyplace significant. there's nothing wrong with this moment, and perhaps someday in my life i will think back to moments exactly like this and i will long for them, aching in my heart for familiarity and a sort of comfort that is found here.

desires are funny, strange things, aren't they?

i've been learning a lot about the timing in fulfilling such desires.

and timing is everything.

so for now, i'll sit here on this couch in the middle of the country, with the ease that is home in a region that i really do love, and i'll think of another place in fondness, hoping to see open arms for me someday soon.

but not today.