i keep thinking about how peter denied jesus. peter denied jesus not one, but three times. jesus's bff. that's like if your best friend, or your husband/wife, or sibling, or parents pretended like they didn't even know you when you were in trouble. you're being wrongly accused, they know you're being wrongly accused, and they pretend they don't even know who you are. that had to be the hardest thing ever. for jesus and for peter. and yet it was peter who jesus still entrusted to build his church upon. peter was still the one jesus gave the keys to. i say that i have a lot of forgiveness and grace inside of me. but i look at a story like that and i'm completely blown away. its like if i was wrongly accused for something and knew that someone i loved had betrayed me three times, and i knew that i was going to die because of the mess i was in, and then, i leave all of my possessions to them right before i die. they betray my trust and i entrust unto them every single thing i have.

i've been thinking a lot about my own capacity to forgive, to offer grace to those who need it. i want to think that i have this immense amount of forgiveness for others, in big and small things, and then i look at the ways i'm hurt and the ways others have wronged me in my life, things that i pushed away because i couldn't forgive or judgments i've given because someone wronged me. but all i can do is keep looking at jesus. the more i look at jesus, the more i see this outpouring of forgiveness. it's the answer for everything. and it's not the easy way out or about just living in this fantasy world of love and peace and happiness, because forgivness is hard. forgiveness is a million times harder than harboring bitterness over messy situations. forgivness is a million times harder than building walls to keep the wrong-doers out. forgivness is harder than anger, it's harder than violence and hatred, it's the hardest thing in the world.

we stem from the root of sin and that root is embedded so deeply within us, some, it seems, more than others. and we separate ourselves and say this thing is worse than that thing or that person is worse than i am because they're committing this kind of sin and that's a lot worse than the stuff i give in to. and we forget we're all rooted in the same place, we've all grown out of the same ground. and so bad things happen, and we wrong each other and some people just wrong and wrong and wrong and never even feel any remorse about it. and we forget we're from this same place, that we came from the same parents - adam and eve. and we say how could you do this? how could you be such a bad person? how could you lie, cheat, steal, abuse, abandon, take advantage of, give in to, give away, give up...on and on and on. how could you be this kind of awful being?

we forget that it's sin. we forget that we all have just as full of a capacity as everyone else. we forget we're in this together, we're one, we're helping carry each other's loads and burdens and junk. and we let the sin take over. we let the sin win. it's so easy to forget that we're all in this same place together when we've wronged one another. we lose sight of our understanding about who we are as humans, and how we've screwed it up. but jesus? jesus gets it.

and jesus had opportunities to let the sin take over. during his emotional turmoil in the garden, i could only picture him crying and praying and begging for god to take the burden away, and upon seeing judas walk up, knowing what was to come, just completely getting swept away in his emotions and yelling and cursing him and tearing him apart for what he'd just done. but he doesn't.

he even knew about judas's betrayal earlier that night during their last supper, as jesus washed his disciple's feet.

even judas's.

if i knew one of my friends was going to help have me killed just to make a few bucks, would i be able to kneel down, take off their dirty sandals, and wash their feet?

even as he told peter he would betray him, i can only imagine jesus's voice. it was probably sad and quiet, but not demeaning. a knowing sort of tone, carrying deep understanding of this human condition. but still knowing that even though peter would betray him, that didnt' make peter who he was. that didn't change the peter jesus knew, the peter jesus had discipled and taught and cared for. he saw this deep potential and endless possibility in peter's eyes. and jesus, the only one who didn't give in to sin, the only one with boasting rights about being better than when it came to sin, understood our human condition so much more than most of us ever will. jesus is the only one who could ever truly say, "how could you do that to me?" and he's the only one who never will.

i just want to breathe that kind of life for others.