its days like these that the only question i have for myself is, "what the heck happened?"

i guess i'm realizing a lot about humility, about bringing brought down so that i can come up completely changed. i just wish it wasn't like this, so messy, so complicated, so out of my own control. i remember days when i would ask myself why i couldn't just get it right, now i'm realizing that i can't just get it right because i'm not willing to try. he's given me opportunities every single day of my life to just get it right, and i pass them up. but can't you just stop the temptations, god? can't you just control my behaviors, my thoughts, my actions?

we weren't made to be robots. we're not computers. god isn't just typing in commands and orders for us to blindly follow. he allows us to choose and decide, and when we choose and decide wrong, he gently reminds us that we knew it was wrong all along. and so, we ask him to make it right. and usually, at least in my case, he does so by presenting opportunities for me to say no to the things i used to say yes to. to choose a different life, walk a different path, and nine times out of ten, i fail him.

and so i'm left with this feeling of stuck-ness, of never getting it right-ness, and wonder how in the world i could ever make all this work. but i know it won't always be one step forward, two steps back. eventually i'm going to take three or four or five forward and get ahead of all this, even if those two steps backward come again.

and i have no clue what else to do but that. i don't know how else to go about all this.