tonight i realized that i daily hide behind shame
unwilling to truly release history.
and in turn, am taking away the power of christ in my life, the profound ways that he's changed me.
because i take his love for granted.
because i don't truly believe it's the way he says it is.
because i can't just own up to myself.

but i am who i am, and these paths i've taken, no matter how broken down or beaten they were, still got me to this place. it may not be as pretty as your story is, you may doubt that i'm even here at all. but i'm here. i know it without a doubt. and i'm aligning myself with him in ways i've never done before. ever realizing my constant need for him to be on my mind, my lips, my heart. and gosh, i'm broken. but i'm alive in him which means the story isn't over yet. no, the story isn't over yet.

whirlwind is the only way to describe my life right now.
but it's the best kind, the fun kind, the nearly-summer-seventy-degree-nights kind, the staying up late kind, the new friends and adventures and things kind.

in the place i am sitting right at this moment, i have no clue what my near future will bring. i do know, however, that it will definitely be decided by next week. and i'm praying, but i don't really know what for, because like always, who the heck even knows what i want? certainly not me. christ's will and direction. that's what i want. but who the heck even knows what that is? certainly not me. not yet anyway.

but i'm feeling good. i'm feeling really, really good.

in other news, i got sent mail today addressed to 'matt cassidy' - clearly meant for me. what?! how in the world does that happen? seriously.

oh my goodness. relationships are messy.

once a priest said this in his sermon, and the way his voice sounded exasperated yet understanding still sticks with me. how hard of a time we have relating to each other, living with each other, forming bonds or not forming bonds, developing social skills with one another. if we're lucky, learning patience, humility, grace, humor, gratitude, selflessness, and boundless freedom from one another. if we're not so lucky, we can allow ourselves to become isolated, hateful, selfish, intolerant, unforgiving, hard. these things are easy to succumb to. they're easy to channel, easy to learn, easy to develop. it's the lucky things that are the hard things, the things that matter, the things that point us to a higher reality. the things that bring us to a deeper connection, a deeper self-awareness, a deeper truth. i would not know the character of god if i did not know the difference between being patient and being impatient. the difference between love and hatred. what it feels like when someone responds with a kind word instead of a cutting one. what it looks like when someone sacrifices something for me that they needed.

we are relational people. if we weren't, we would never understand lofty ideas like peace and love and humility. we wouldn't know what those things felt like. we wouldn't understand that they feel so good that sometimes it's hard to define them with words. and those things feel pretty incredible. they're hard, but if something isn't hard, it's probably not worth it.

we forget. we take the easy way. we let our own hurts and fears and pains guide our steps. and we often miss it. we miss the beautiful opportunity that has been presented to us. we lose out on the chance to stretch our boundaries of grace for one another because we refuse to accept another person's brokenness. and we push. we push and push until those hurtful feelings are far away from us. instead of learning to embrace them, using a vocabulary that includes things like 'in spite of' or 'regardless of' we send them as far away as we can. because we think our grace should only go so far. i forgive you, but i draw the line here. i offer you grace, but i'm sending it over this wall i've built between us. we all do it.

so my question is where god draws the line. where does christ say, 'i've forgiven you, but you are no longer mine'. 'i give grace to you, but our relationship, our community together has been broken'. does he? is there a day when the father has locked the doors and closed all the blinds upon hearing that his prodigal son has returned? and if god doesn't do that, if god doesn't ever stop his outpouring of love and grace, then does that mean we are allowed to stop it? does that mean the 'enough is enough' mentality is acceptable for us to use? and how is this different from giving in? being a pushover?

i want to offer endless grace to each and every person who wrongs me. because i understand that brokenness. because i know that as painful as it is, working through that hurt, embracing it, is the way to go. and so many times, it's not even that i walk away or embrace the hurt. but rather i cut off the situation and ignore it as much as i can. i let it slide. i don't actively seek for reconciliation. and i don't outright block it out of my life.

these are two ways of dealing with conflict. we either passively let it pass or actively seek revenge. jesus did neither. time and again, jesus taught us a third way to handle situations. someone smacks you? don't smack him back. don't walk away. turn to him and give him your other cheek. force him to awknowledge that you are a human being. you do not deserve to be treated this way. a solider is forcing you to carry his pack a mile? fine. carry it. carry it two miles. not because you're nice, but because there are laws against forcing someone to carry your stuff for longer than a mile. do things differently.

well thats a rambling. these things just consume my thoughts. i want to embrace pain in my life. i want to offer others a shot of redemption. i want to feel deeply and think long and hard and bend myself in ways i didn't think i would ever move.

because relationships are messy. and i could avoid them. i could avenge wrongs. but i want to learn as much as i can here about the character of god. i want to learn how to continue to send my life into a higher reality. to understand a deeper truth, to see things change and to know humility. to offer grace. to bring peace. to be christ.

something big is coming.
it's coming, i can feel it.
like i am almost to the top of a very long climb.
or at least about to come to a beautiful clearing.
we shall see.

this place isn't a place for those things.
but i am so.
i am so.
ugh.
never wrong.
you're never wrong.
wrong.

tonight i was so restless, nothing would calm me. i took a long drive on borrowed gas. i turned the music off, my thoughts and i drove down dark, curvy roads listening to nothing but the hum of my car. eventually along my drive, i came upon a million trash bags piled on top of each other that took me to a place i was half convinced i'd never see again. it felt right and even though i know it isn't, i know that's what right feels like and i know i've never felt that anyplace else. i guess sometimes wrong can be right, even when it's so wrong and messed up it hurts to think about. and i don't know where i'm going. but i know it's not anywhere easy or convenient or predictable. and it's not forced.

i'm starting to become complacent and that bothered me.
until tonight when i realized that i won't be here in this place of life for much longer.
and i was reminded that my healing process is nearly finished, if not already over.
i can feel it.
things are coming alive again.
june will bring new things.
july will bring new things.
and i will be moving forward, constantly forward, to change and growth and movement.
i won't have any time to get stuck in a rut. and i'm glad for that.

i love
the stuff christians like blog
spiritual songs that aren't 'christian'
deuteronomy
being outside
iced tea
seeing old friends
good concerts to come
family.

holy smokes.
'i can feel a hot one' by manchester orchestra is amazing.
i just keep listening to it over and over.
soooo good.

crazy weird dreams the past few nights. completely nonsensical.

excited it's may.