...i drove home this evening with a watery face, big feelings about everything and nothing in particular. it always comes like that, the good realizations. i looked to my left, to that big, glorious lake and saw about a dozen sails stretched towards the sky. then those buildings to my right, this place in its entirety. i thought, oh god. i love this city. my heart aches for it. for the resurrection of this town.

the big looming question has been, where is my heart? oh lord, where is my heart? and i think i've found it - pieces of it anyway. it's definitely here, in moments like these, among this big beautiful city that i love.

but some of it is far away, in the sights and sounds and beautiful smells of that pacific northwest. with the people and places and paths i traveled there. that place wrecked my life in the worst ways possible and i still love it, more than words can describe. it's in those eight roommates who brought the worst out of me, who taught me so much about myself and forced me to grow beyond belief. who made me laugh and made me cry, made me angry and annoyed and stretched my capacity to love and to accept and appreciate living. it's in african babies with rotted teeth and dirty clothes, dirty diapers and dirty bodies who are just longing for someone to love. it's in seeing three mountains on a clear day, in the smell of big, lush and green forests with trees that stretch their arms and the wind that blows through them. it's in sitting downtown with crazy homeless folk who have story on top of story because you'll just listen. it's in bus stops and hour long bus rides, the number nine and the number four, how i hated those bus rides, but how humbling they were. it's along the oregon coast, getting stuck in the sand and jumping shots, bonfires on the beach and long conversations, watching the ocean tides rolling in. and traveling back months later for early morning clamming and to hear the roar of those waves. it's in powells and vintage stores. in train rides. in library books. in bike rides. in bridges. in big, gorgeous roses everywhere.

some of it is at my home, with this beautiful community stretching across generations, with so much love and laughter and goodness. with so much grace and compassion. it's deeply rooted in the wisdom of a feisty eighty-seven year old whose stories will entertain you for hours, whose stubbornness is sometimes unbearable, whose independence is the essence of her life and lives such a testament to strength and faith in christ. in a goofy man who knows everyone and always has a story to tell about some book he's reading, who has a passion for being alive and experiencing life. who will try anything once. in a woman, a role model to the greatest extent, who lives life to the fullest, who divides herself with so much ease among the places she is needed. who cares and loves fiercely, as if it were her only job. whose only charge against her is loving too deeply, caring too much, giving everything she has. in a teenager who is the epitome of beautiful. with emotions running high, just like they should, on the peak of self-discovery, acquiring wisdom and maturity beyond her years. a smile to make you melt. it's here i find my safety, my anchor, my faith, my passion, my will to keep going.

some of it lies with a few special ladies, ones who encourage and inspire me daily. it's in these women that i find my sanity, my shoulder to cry on, my comic relief, my companionship. my heart here is in tuesday nights with becca, of just being together, in silly inside jokes that have existed for nearly ten years. in songs with assigned parts, in having our songs. in being the kind of friends that always pick up where they left off, never missing a beat. it's in evenings out and being girly with jocelynn and catherine. in trying on vintage clothes. in niagara spending longer to get ready together than actually being out. in prayer and worship times with girls who brought me to christ so many years ago. in youth group bonds. in talking all night, taking pictures all night, dancing, laughing, being silly. these girls are driven and creative, they are filled with big, deep emotions, to love and to be loved. each of them point me to the heart of christ, the nurturing, compassionate heart of god, who desires so much to be with us. being with each one of them is like a breath of fresh air.

still, other parts are in the past, in its stories and memories that still warm my heart and bring me comfort. in dear relationships that i've lost to the tides of time. in mistakes i've made that i can't take back, the way that things change, things always change. in dreams that won't see the daylight. in ways that i'm still trying to get that heart of mine back, but haven't yet, no matter how adamantly i convince myself otherwise. and perhaps i never will, perhaps i'm not supposed to - for those ways were among some of the most beautiful i've ever experienced.

and i know there's some that i'm saving for my future, my big, vast future hidden inside the hands of my big, vast god. with purposes and plans left unknown. all in due time, girl. all in due time. he says to me, and i know, i know without a shadow of a doubt it's worth waiting for, impatient as i get.

i wonder, maybe that's the way i'll live my life. with my heart divided among so many places, wanting, wishing to be in all of them at once. never actually being able to do that.

so you see, i haven't anything to give. not here. not yet. and that's perfectly fine. that's just the way it should be, i think. i will, when i'm really ready and it's really right.