sunday evenings have come to be a renewal.

this is something i haven't experienced in years. once there were days when i looked forward to sunday evenings more than anything in the entire world. it was a wonderful time in my life in general. i think it was more carefree. i was filled with a lot of hope. god was opening my eyes to about a million things at once. there was still an innocence (naivete?) to growing. and sunday nights, they were priceless.

the past few have been this way. mostly because they've been filled with really inspiring conversations. they've been filled with jokes and laughter and really beautiful worship, really beautiful words about god, and lovely, wise people who have spoken into my life. one exchange in particular was someone who, upon telling him that i had been an art history major (which i always follow with, yeah, ya know, so i won't be doing anything with my life), said, "no! don't say that! there is a reason and a purpose for you being in that place and going through all that and having a degree in art history. and it's good. so don't knock it."

i really appreciated those words. i think sometimes i put myself into this wrestling match, between the things i genuinely enjoy and the things that i think i'm supposed to be doing as a follower of christ. my art history classes taught me so much about beauty, creativity, passion, politics, religion, the indescribable relationship between our souls and our minds, the way that emotions can transcend and speak through visual mediums, the way that people are just so absolutely amazing and fascinating creatures - there were times in class that i felt like i was learning, discussing, seeing something so sacred. and so i wasn't taking a biblical history class, or a social justice 101 class, but i was learning about god. i was learning about the way he's made our souls. and i'm realizing how much that isn't worth trading for anything.

so admist this wrestling match, i've been thinking, man. i need to do something that will matter. maybe i should go back to school and get a nursing degree. that way i could really help people. but i stink at science! i'm terrible at it and i'd have to work really really hard learning about things that i just don't really enjoy, because i feel like i have to do something that is meaningful. something that i can tell people about and they will really think i'm doing great work. work that is empirical. it can be studied and tested and the results can be produced. there will be no doubt that i am following christ. but i think, instead, i'm learning what i'm not called for, and what i think i am.

the things that allow me to see god in profound ways are incredibly abstract. they're in ways that the english language does not have words to describe. the things that light up my soul and make me jump for joy are things that are beautiful and creative. these things make me feel a sense of purpose, a sense of oneness with the spirit. i believe the key to what i was made for lies inside of these places.

so, i guess i don't know exactly what it is i'm looking for, but at least i can stop trying to feel like i have to do all of these things i think are great in my mind in order to claim i'm following christ. because following christ doesn't always mean saving people's lives. it's also about finding new and creative ways for god's glory to be revealed in this place. it's about making sure all that glory is attributed to god's beauty and creativeness. and it's about taking a step outside of the proverbial box and seeing that creativity is good. and holy. and is made in the image and likeness of god. the created creating because their creator gave them the ability to do so. we have these things inside of us, we don't always understand them, we certainly can't describe them, but we know they come out in the most profound and incredible ways. if you only tap into that kind of freedom. it's beautiful. and i want to experience these kinds of things for the rest of my life. and i want others to experience them too. it's what we're made for.