how can you rid yourself of bitterness that's long set in? that's been rooted, a part of who you are for most of your living years? when it's the same old story, when the thing you need the most is the thing that doesn't exist, when those deep questions of your soul have gone long unanswered, with no resolve in sight?
no one's ever said the words you needed to hear...say them, please?
get behind me...

some lately inspirations:

the cinnamon peeler
gosh, the passion in this
a delightful song
or two
the way the wind blows the snow in twirls and dances
african faces
the hopefulness of blooming trees, green grass, bird's songs, dead coming alive again - resurrection.
and this prayer:
"for this reason i kneel before the father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. i pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his spirit in your inner being, so that christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. and i pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of god."

although i know it's playing tricks on me, i was struck suddenly last night with the feeling of the coming spring, brought on by the warm, gentle breeze that accompanied the evening. feeling the seasons is so weird, like nostalgia. and even in january, stale life peeks its eyes open, for just a few moments, to remind me what's coming, and what it feels like. it's surprising and familiar, something that cannot be realized until it's reminded us. yes, that's what you feel like, spring. i'd nearly forgotten. and my mind flashes with a dozen early spring nights just the same, melting snow, thick air, fog all around. that sensation hits me hard every time, insists on reminding me of its seasons past. sometimes it's so strong it feels like deja vu.

but don't worry. it will be winter again by the end of the week.

past few days have been fulfilling. great community, great blessings, great god. i've been working out solid for the past two weeks now, which is good. really good. i feel outstanding. it's amazing how many things we don't realize affect how we feel. like exercise. and not having smoke in our lungs. i want to train for this triathlon i found in september, as a reward to my body for quitting cigs. i've also cut meat out of my diet again (mostly, except for the bacon i had the other night that proceeded too many drinks) and although i've never been super hard and fast about that, i'm finding a new appreciation for tofu, and working at a restaurant where everything can come veg, it's not as hard.

while at first glace it sounds (and i sometimes feel) these things are superficial, my intentions truly lie within the discipline. in needing so much discipline spiritually, i can only hope that practicing it physically will encourage me further, and help fuel my soul forward. it's the only thing i need anyhow.

thinking about how much love i have for those little kids i babysit for, how much i miss my morris friends, how my heart goes out to so many people and places and things right now.

favorite memory this moment: october mornings, wrapped in blankets, hot cup of tea, morris porch, sight and sound of birds on the wires and in the trees. if i close my eyes, i can almost feel those mornings exactly.

ever since my house burned down, i see the moon more clearly.

oh my goodness, i've forgotten about this.

www.ashesandsnow.com

visually breathtaking, and the most amazing beautiful written word. ah yes.

do you know where the inspiration to wash the feet of the twelve came? do you understand that, by love alone, your god became your slave in the upper room?

teach me love like that.

where've i been lately? i sometimes can't believe how quickly time moves things along, yet emotions make things seem like they will be the same way forever.

in reflection, 2009 was the best year of my entire life. yes, the best. i've never in my life experienced how much our joy is our sorrow, never have seen visually the strength in christ that i possess, never have realized more fully his outstanding grace, mercy, redemption - and the tremendous beauty that lies in each of those facets. i have never, for the past six years, been without the narrowest of tunnel vision that was the culprit to so many of my heartbreaks and wrong feelings of worthlessness, until this splendid year. i've never been so confident in who i am, in the things i want for my life, in the dreams that are mine alone. after these years of feeling so wrong, i finally feel like perhaps, maybe, i am right. it's not perfect, as nothing is, but i'm also realizing how the deep-seeded things of me still need to be worked through, and they bear challenges i'm finally more than willing to face head on.

my cousin said something beautiful last night about the season of preparation. that's here, it's where i am.the past months have been a struggle for me, being ready and willing to start on adventures and excitment and things of the like, simply because i am restless, because i am scared, because i am uncertain. but i realize more and more that there is a purpose for here and now, and it is really exciting. there are certain steps i know i must take in order to get to other places. that is what this is for.

this year i will use the determination i have to build the discipline i lack and accomplish the things that are essential to my being, to my soul. i will master and overcome the things that hold me from more.

it's been twenty-three years, i'm eager for a change.

recycling old thoughts, part 1

 i think it is very interesting, the way that we're creatures who resort to things of the past when our lives are unpleasant. the things that once made us smile and laugh, the things that filled our life with comfortability and completeness. and it amazes me, the way we'll go back to that one song, that one place, that one person, searching for a feeling of the past, and yet become dissapointed when we can't get it back again. as if going back will ever help us move forward. and realizing that there was a reason, in the first place, we'd moved on. we grow up. grow out of our old skin. change and change. things won't ever be what they once were. but most often, that is a very good thing.

ride out the storm, take on the wave
don't run, run, run.
wind's gonna blow, and the ground's gonna shake,
then it's gone, gone, gone.

song lyrics, meh. how lame. mmm but this is so passionate and sweet-sounding. hi january, when did you come on so quickly? can't believe its you again. and i've never felt so uncertain, so passionate, i've never felt so young. it seemed at that instant, i remembered the things i forget when i'm jaded - the things that inspire my soul. i'm thankful for at least that reminder. things have been fleeting faster and faster lately, leaving me just as quickly as coming about. and i'm left with fingers-wrapped, around hours and minutes and moments that are just stuck inside of the way that time goes. but here, i know all the things i think i want at any instant couldn't hold a single small flame to you, to your raging bright forest fires of grace and mercy. i miss you. i may have a bad memory, but i never forget how much i miss you when you aren't around. when i'm not around. oh big heart.

if i ask you tenderly, will you follow me down to the river?