where've i been lately? i sometimes can't believe how quickly time moves things along, yet emotions make things seem like they will be the same way forever.

in reflection, 2009 was the best year of my entire life. yes, the best. i've never in my life experienced how much our joy is our sorrow, never have seen visually the strength in christ that i possess, never have realized more fully his outstanding grace, mercy, redemption - and the tremendous beauty that lies in each of those facets. i have never, for the past six years, been without the narrowest of tunnel vision that was the culprit to so many of my heartbreaks and wrong feelings of worthlessness, until this splendid year. i've never been so confident in who i am, in the things i want for my life, in the dreams that are mine alone. after these years of feeling so wrong, i finally feel like perhaps, maybe, i am right. it's not perfect, as nothing is, but i'm also realizing how the deep-seeded things of me still need to be worked through, and they bear challenges i'm finally more than willing to face head on.

my cousin said something beautiful last night about the season of preparation. that's here, it's where i am.the past months have been a struggle for me, being ready and willing to start on adventures and excitment and things of the like, simply because i am restless, because i am scared, because i am uncertain. but i realize more and more that there is a purpose for here and now, and it is really exciting. there are certain steps i know i must take in order to get to other places. that is what this is for.

this year i will use the determination i have to build the discipline i lack and accomplish the things that are essential to my being, to my soul. i will master and overcome the things that hold me from more.

it's been twenty-three years, i'm eager for a change.