perhaps i've just been more tuned in - but the feeling of sacredness, holy things happening every place - it's striking. standing around a fire, walking up the hilly road, the way the snow has been falling for two days without stop, the soundtrack that's been present. keeps me from getting too far into these winter blahs. but for one second, i just want to play outside in my bare feet, really...

march is nearly here.

i was up high, above white, fast and freeing - with wind blowing faster and colder, stinging my face like i've not felt before. it was there i felt alive, i felt something i cannot express with words - an ominous sky growing colder and more miserable, ready to burst forth its storm, and that moment was made for me. for me, from you, so that i may know i am free and alive, i'm not scared of anything, i'm infinite in you, i face no defeat. we are fearfully and wonderfully made, i'll shout from the tops of mountains and from the bottoms of valleys. we are here with fistfuls of dreams and longings for you, for more and more of you, reaching and stretching to give ourselves to you. we stop only for brief moments, when flesh gets the best of us and we pull back, afraid, comfort in darkness. only to realize flesh pales, dims, dies away fast in comparison to your breathtaking, torch-bearing ways.

and this heart inside of my chest, has it ever swelled so much for you? have i ever been so eager for your comings and goings inside of my tiny life? i want it - even if its adversity, even if my body aches and breaks in a million different ways, even if it means every fear and hesitation coming to fruition - as long as it means you, i want it. it's never so clear, so perfect as that - it's you.

in messy, awkward ways, in broken beating ways. in darkness, in misery and pain, in agonizing and humiliating ways. make me yours with love and grace, endless, glorious mercies.

thankful for these eyes you've given me to see your beautiful sights. they're nearly too much in these moments. as you hover close, i close my eyes in the midst of so much love.

i'll have words someday soon, but until then it's mostly these songs. a few were inspired by my southwestern friend who has impeccible taste and likes to share. pretty sounds, aches for springtime.

help me to learn that my ways aren't as high as your ways.

spent my valentine's day getting coffee with darja, crying my little eyes out (full on, sobbing in my car while driving) over a beautiful story heard on vinyl cafe, realizing how much i hate getting gas (it means i should stop driving/having a car i think), sharing a delicious meal with one of the bestest human beings in the world: rashad, visiting with refugees for about a minute, and hanging out with the only couple that never makes it awkward.

spent my pre-valentine's day, among other things, watching full metal jacket right before going to bed, followed by a terrible dream in which most people i lived with in a fictional house were brutally massacred by two crazy guys. yep, awesome.

but things are good. we are blessed.

after all these years, mewithoutyou. i recently read a post i wrote about them a really long time ago where i said i liked them best because "i feel like this guy isn't bullshitting me". that's what it is, most of all.

i like this poem.

and i like to imagine what a hammer sounds like against a giant pane of glass inside of the dead stillness of night. shattering. i see the swing and the hard metal hitting its invisible barrier, pieces of glass suspended in the air for moments of time and scattering, scattering, that cracking and loudness and crashes, crashes, hitting one another as they fall and...it's beautiful. it gives me the chills.

i'm not sure how i feel about much lately. it's a lot of mental working throughs. it's sort of a loss of words, not knowing what to say. but i guess it kind of sounds like glass breaking. 

"Each of us should embrace our own personal story and bring it to God to see what He will do with it. The good news is He will give us grace that will have the same impact as if we had never been broken."

some thoughts on the idea of damaged goods.


beautiful days, good friends, gracious god. i couldn't want anything more.

trying to recall the times this week that i experienced god.
under dim lights, tucked into a corner amidst conversation and words i had to hear, because i forget so quickly.
in a circle with prayers, lifted upwards for selflessness, dying. messy and hopeful. eager eyes, open wide.
running, running, running.
sounds that make my soul burn.

i really like this, especially the guy that really likes it in the video. and its like they're all sitting there and thinking, i know! there aren't any words, but we all know how this song makes us feel, especially at this moment in time right here. it's unbelievable! but mostly that guy. i just love that guy.

everything we put ourselves into should be for the discovery of the kingdom.
- an idea taken from night trains in thailand, beautiful. as i remember, i ask: is everything i do, seek, emulate - for the discovery of the kingdom? for the relevation of christ's love? is it for others, to display god's glory? hardly. most things are self-seeking, self-glorifying, for my own gain, for what i feel i need to do to be more interesting, more attractive, more in love with myself. it's disgusting, how many things i do/say/think out of love for myself.

that dying to yourself thing has taken me on much deeper of a journey than i ever realized when i first heard it four years ago. obviously i need to make it go deeper. much, much deeper.