and it's home, home.

happy to have been present during the past few weeks. happy to be here again, and to be present here.

commence a whirlwind year! 

you know that feeling when you're away from home, as your journey begins to wind down and movement is in the midst, you really start looking forward to going back again and just getting home?

i usually feel this.

but today, after waking up, morning twelve of sleeping without an alarm clock, taking a leisurely walk to one of the four thai restaurants that are in a ten-block radius, enjoying a tasty meal with the company of a good book, a strong realization washed over me and stayed.

i happily exist here. its transition and change in my life has been so natural and comfortable that it feels like regular life to me. i could go on living like this.

i won't, because it happens to be about the most selfish decision i could make for myself right now, but i could. and i would love it.

i have always said, and have had numerous conversations with others about, the particular energy and vibe that is given off by this place. i cannot speak for others and their experiences in the northwest, but as for my own, i have been blessed to discover a tiny niche that exists. a group of individuals that has come together through so many different facets of common ground. a thread of communion has banded these people together strongly - this communion is based in bringing out the best in one another. it's mostly through creativity, through imagination that breeds fun. but there is such a childlike innocence to this fun - and a safe space that encompasses people to let guards down and just enjoy the sheer presence of life in our midst. time doesn't seem to be moving too quickly, and obligations are mingled into the routine with ease and joy, everything else just seems to float away. nothing is taken too seriously, and yet fun, carefree times are often seasoned with deep, meaningful exchanges. about the world and about one another. it's beautiful, and sometimes a bit messy, but not heavy or overwhelming.

i've been so angry and hard on myself, and i see how impractical that's been. how not life-giving it is for me and for others.

and my response many times on this journey, to things i know little about, to lifestyles and worldviews that look vastly different to my own, has simply been, there is a multitude of love to be given in this world.

and i mean it. i am learning to love humanity, to love people. to see others in the beat of their own journeys. and to intersect and align ourselves together for this small time.

i see life, life, life. and i have really been enjoying listening. and discovering.

a place that encompasses me in oh so many ways.
dreary to sunlit, to dreary and back again. cycles of so much.
and i am reminded, aside deep, clean waters
to go up
and up and up
until i see the picture in entirety
instead of just the dis-satisfaction of immediacies.

and those familiar refugee sounds beckon...

this is the new year.

thoughts of love.
love that i can't adequately capture in words, not some silly sentiment about romance or a new pair of shoes. this kind of love that is deep, to the core of being. love that creates, that moves and breathes and blows through our lives like this strong wind, unstoppable force. it's this love that brings people together, unifies and celebrates. it's the fiber of truth and beauty, of redemption, of all the stories we love to hear and tell. it's encouragement. the lapping of water or mountainous heights, the sun shining to create beautiful days and the way those days can make you feel - it's that love. it's the love that makes you feel happy, proud to be a human. because we are capable of knowing such love and sharing it with one another. it's a love that is stronger than death, because graves can't stop the force of this love. it's a powerful love that silences violence and oppression. it turns the enemy around. love that rescues and restores, steals the breath right from our lungs. we can do nothing but stand in awe, humility in the face of this.

we know this love.

whether we acknowledge it as something bigger than ourselves, bigger than our minds can comprehend, or brush it off as a feeling, an emotion - in the stillness of our core, it is there. demanding nothing but to offer more of itself to us. to be known and to be spread.  whether we yield to it or thrust it away from us - it's as saturating as the air that surrounds us.

and so what can i do? what can i do but drink deeply, acknowlege and yield and let it become me, that i may be an instrument, playing a beautiful, harmonious melody of this love.

i will make them one nation in the land, on the mountains of israel. there will be one king over all of them and they will never again be two nations or be divided into two kingdoms.

i have this weird pattern of feeling really, really good at the beginning of the week and then sorta not so good - freaking out about the world, etc - but the mid/end of the week. i've realized lately that it usually coincides with my own silly choices that are daily, weekly occurances. i'm going to try and pay more attention to my actions and how they negatively or positively affect my thoughts/emotions/general overall well being. seems like such a simple concept, right? and yet i feel largely like i just live my life and do things without considering how they are shaping everything about who i am. i'm a horribly impulsive creature, and moving less, stopping more is something that i really need to learn how to do. there must be some healthy balance between the two - and i am way off into mostly one direction. blerg.

in other wonderful things, alex and ryan are married and they had the best wedding i've ever attended. it was a blessing to be a part of their day. they're the greatest!