things are strange.

they're hard to understand for someone with such a little mind. hard to grasp. mostly unreachable. like trying to see underwater.

the little boy i babysit for. he's one and he loves the dishwasher when it's open. i try and keep it closed as much as i can, but the few times i open it, he's right there, trying to climb on it or grab some dishes to play with, and i always have to lead him away and distract him with something else. because the dishwasher isn't a place for one year olds. glass is dangerous. climbing is dangerous. once, as he was getting his foot up, i grabbed him and he slipped backwards and smacked his face on the edge of the dishwasher as he went down. he got a bloody nose. it hurt really, really badly. and yet, without fail, his passion for all things dishwasher has not ceased. he's still there, ready to climb, ready to grab, even after shattering a dirty wine glass on the floor. even after the big fall.

the thing is he's still learning. he's gotten hurt and broken things, but there is something inside of him that tells him those things won't happen every time. the dishwasher is there and it's beckoning him to come and play. nothing gets in the way, not pain or being scared by broken glass. not mothers or babysitters who sternly say no. because he just doesn't get it yet.

he doesn't yet have the mental capacity to understand nuts and bolts and screws, how standing on the dishwasher door could break those things. he doesn't understand delicate glass and that it breaks if you drop it. he certainly has no grasp on gravity or the fact that climbing with wobbly legs makes him more susceptible to its ways. he will someday. but until then, he'll follow his desire to be a part of the dishwasher.

we never stop learning. just because development happens so rapidly for children doesn't mean it stops once we reach adulthood. there are things we go back to over and over again, after they scare us, cause us pain, after we're told by wiser ones repeatedly to stop - because we just don't get it yet. we don't get that it's not good for us. and we take the mystery that is the dishwasher, we let those what if questions brew in our minds, and finally we're convinced that danger is worth the risk.

until we fall again.

i've been learning a lot about trust. what it means to trust god. it means that i stop getting into things i'm not supposed to. it means i allow myself to be led away. it means i don't just go ahead and do something and hope he'll pick up the broken pieces when it's over. when god says no, he's saying no for a reason. he's saying no because whatever it is i'm trying to do must be dangerous. i may not be able to see how, but the dangers are there, waiting for me. he's saying no because he can't stand to see me hurting. because he's teaching me about being cautious. because there are better things for me to do with my time than play on dishwashers.

oh, lead me.