tuesdays.

i loved today.

tuesdays are usually the best because i don't have to work. and today was so nice outside that it made me glad.

i was driving in the sunshine and just became completely filled with this sense of peace and contentment. like i wouldn't want my life to be anywhere else but where it's at now.

i feel like for months, i just wished things were different somehow, i was carrying around all this baggage of everything that had happened from august to december, and i was fighting really hard to get parts of that life back.

i don't know what made me stop fighting. but someplace over the past weeks, the incessant fighting has ceased and i'm just cool with the way things are now. they're great things, actually.

and i made my peace with portland. maybe because i've talked a lot about what an amazing place it is, how many cool things it has going on there, and now it won't forever be stuck in my mind as this region that represents all things horrible. stuff went down and it wasn't great. but i don't regret anything that occured. the past four months have done more good to me than anything else ever could have, i'm convinced of it. i've spent countless years with this idea in my head of the person i was created to be, always just falling short of the things i wanted to accomplish and never being able to let go of negative things i wanted to change about myself. and i feel like portland gave me the reality i needed to confront those things face to face and deal with them. stop telling myself they'll change in time and just deal with them. work them out so that i can grow and mature. maybe it's too early to say if i'm really getting those things now. but i feel a heck of a lot closer than i ever have in my entire life. and that's a pretty big deal.

it reminds me of this part in rob bell's book velvet elvis when he's talking about this one sunday before he's about to go out and preach and he's freaking out because he doesn't even know if he wants to be a pastor anymore because of all the stress and pressure and everything else that's going on. he just feels like this huge failure. he gets the whole being redeemed and forgiven and saved and all of that, yet huge areas of his life don't reflect it. so because of that, he realizes how important it is to not put on this facade but rather work out your junk and get through it, because that's the only way to healing and that's what jesus is all about. so he says something to the effect of, 'all of a sudden its sunday and i'm sitting in this closet and i couldn't be more excited to be at church. because jesus is healing my soul.'

and i love that line.
jesus is healing my soul.

so that's exciting.

i also love tuesdays because of biggest loser, svu, and housewives of nyc with my bff. these are the shows that bring our frienship closer. shes's so fabulous.