positively too many things going on all at once. new job = tough times. background: working with adolescents that have been incredibly abused and neglected. we're talking about as intense as you could get, so so so incredibly broken and fragile and just trying to survive. there's so much to it. i guess ultimately, i feel like it's in a lot of ways doing the dirty work, really getting in there and offers the great potential for me to draw closer to the heart of christ, working and wrestling with these kids who have issues i can scarcely begin to understand, loving on them and hopefully teaching them something that can change their future, even if it's the smallest way. but then there's the scared part of me, that thinks heeeeeck no, i can't do this job, i'm going to get smacked around, exhausted, emotionally drained, stretched and stretched - and do i really have the energy for this? is it really where i am called? i feel yes, it is, but that fear in me is present.

and then there's all the other stuff going through my head, who i am, who i want to become, the goals i've set for myself and all the ways i've been lazy about accomplishing those. just really being challenged to be strong in my beliefs, the things that i commit to. surrounding myself with people wh encourage me to do that, but not really having all that many people.

wrestling to solidify my identity, perpetually feeling in the middle, always in the middle. which is so frustrating sometimes, honestly. but in most ways feels like the story of my life.

i saw 500 days of summer last night, and i liked it. the overall message of the movie really made me think about relationships and reality. the movie portrayed a very realistic display of these lofty ideas we call love and fate, and really challenged my views of having a 'story' - this great fairytale-esque journey of how i found my one. that sometimes we experience these out of this world romances with whirlwind rushing feelings and indescribable moments, and we think surely, surely this must be it! if it weren't, it wouldn't feel like this! when in actuality, those intense things aren't always THE things, and real love can sometimes take a back-door approach, a love that is slow and subtle and takes its time to reach the depths, which therefore causes it to be stronger, more grounded in reality, and forever lasting. i think that realization comes out of a maturation, a gaining of wisdom, a release of childhood notions. i guess that's probably not true for everyone. but i think it's probably true for me. a letting go of my expectations, my imaginary ways of thinking, because that's always what it is for me.

i suppose i'm just constantly searching. constantly trying to discover the answers and finish the puzzle and see the entire picture, when it doesn't work like that. it'll never work like that. i'm better off quitting the never-ending guessing game. i'm usually wrong. and it's a whole heck of a lot of energy.

such a draining day.