so many sides to consider.

strange thoughts on the long drive home tonight, wondering always what the future holds. trying to let go of my own selfish ambitions, yet struggling with this desire to be satisfied. i don't really know what's what.

i'm happy with where things are now. i think about the past year of my life, a whirlwind of change and chaos, a time that can only accurately be described as messy, and i'm so grateful for right now. for beautiful realizations and for once, i am actually celebrating the change. because it's brought me into so many wonderful places within myself. and, i feel, for such a long time, my prayer had been, let me be this. let me be that. my prayers were so focused on this great change i wanted inside of myself, to be better at things, to be less and more of things, to be this girl in my head who's actually getting someplace. i've realized that this whole time, that's what's been happening. and boy, i sure know i've slowed down the process, some life lessons i wish i would never have to learn the hard way. but wisdom's funny like that for some people, and likes to take its time getting acquired. and i am not wise, i am far from it. but i am now on a conscious journey to seek it out, to gain maturity and understanding, to foster these things within my self and continue to grow and grow and grow and bloom.

i really wish to grasp my identity in christ. to solidify it. that is my goal. i have big dreams. they can only come into fruition through patience and selflessness. after all, it isn't about me.