tonight upon getting home from work and subsequently getting directly into my bed to be lazy for the rest of the evening, i heard a rumbling of chairs coming from downstairs. my thoughts went directly to, 'someone's throwing a tantrum.'

that's because everyday at my job, someone gets upset, and this getting upset usually works itself into the throwing of chairs. thus, apparently, now, i hear loud noises of furniture and think children are throwing chairs.

some days have been better than other days - like, for example, my first day, one girl tried to attack another and yet another girl broke her one of her cds and wanted to cut herself with it. my second day, i watched love and basketball, bend it like beckam, tyler perry's i can do bad all by myself, and the soloist. first day = bad day. second day = normal day. and i have never watched so many movies in a row.

it was interesting, my first day - all the crazy things were happening and my adrenaline shot through the roof, my immediate instinctual reaction was to run and hide, to get away from the situation. this is obviously not my job. my job is to stop the bad things. so while all this was going down, and i'm panicking and fearful and all that, i'm thinking to myself, oh my gosh. there's no way i can do this job. i'm in way over my head. etc etc. but after the fact, i realized, my first response to a lot of things is fear. i think, by and large, i'm a very fearful person, and it's something that i really dislike about myself. so i'm hoping this job will help to change that about me, to begin to make my first reaction to scary situations a strong one, instead of one that freezes up and gets paralyzed by the fear.

i'm trying to spend a lot more time in prayer, especially now, working with these girls - i feel like i have to walk so closely with god. because if i'm not trusting him to have my back, things will go wrong. all in all, i think it's going to be good for me. i'm hoping.