things are so different.

my heart is restless.

i wonder if it will ever settle, although something in me says it won't.

not on this side.

oh things.

for three weeks in a row now, i've gone to becca and chris's to watch the biggest loser. i never really thought i would get into the show, but i actually love it. i don't know if it's just the season or whatever, but there is such an attitude of togetherness among the contestants. they look out for each other and encourage one another to get healthy and motivated. it pretty much just makes me feel good when no one is catty or sneaky about wanting to win. everyone there just wants to lose weight, but they also know how important it is for everyone else too. so they're supportive. i love it. i guess reality tv isn't always my thing, but it's nice to know shows like the bachelor aren't ruling the genre.

it was nice for a minute and now it's snowing again. i feel as though i'm less sick of the weather than i have been in past years, mostly because my seasons were so split up between the east and the west. it wasn't a true winter. but now i'm starting to get antsy and i cannot cannot wait for the sun and the warmth. it will be absolutely wonderful.

i feel like i had the first productive conversation today than i've had with anyone in a long time. i guess with everything going on, i've really struggled with who and how to talk about things, and also just finding someone who could be removed from the situation and tell me where i need to go (even though i pretty much knew it all along, yet no one else seemed to be able to confirm it for me and i kept letting myself get sucked back into my own emotional cycle). so that was helpful and very good.

i've been showering less.

it makes me angry when people get grossed out about when you shower. like who determined that we have to shower every day in order to be clean? that's outrageous. especially in the winter, especially when i don't sweat all that much...it seems a bit over the top. and yet generally, when i mention that i haven't showered in like, a day, or even two, people will be like, you haven't SHOWERED in two days? eww. i could never do that. seriously? like, legitimately, you could never go more than two days without a shower. or what? what will happen to you? you'll die in a puddle of your filth? you'll throw up all over yourself because you're so dirty? it's not like i'm a garbage man or a sewage worker or anything. and if a garbage man or sewage worker said they couldn't go two days without showering, i'd believe them. but not anyone else. honestly. geez don't make me feel dumb for trying to save some freaking water and save money.

i have discovered my new love, demetri martin. maybe we'll get married and laugh together in the sunset. probably not, but really, he's so hilarious. i don't know if i could pick a favorite joke of his because they're all amazing. but i did laugh really hard at this one:

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters.

also, there's this hiiiilarious video that made me laugh so hard i almost cried. it doesn't seem like it's going to be so funny at first, but its worth it.

this life is going places.

i've been sick now four times this winter. wtf, body? i guess i should take vitamins more regularly or something. or quit having so much freaking stress and turmoil happening.

i'm really trying to get motivated to do things, but it's hard. i'm scared that i'll start getting lazy and i don't want that to happen.

blah.

contemplating conditional feelings.

i guess the quicker you are to give up on things, the less they meant to you in the first place. which is funny. because that seemed to be the case a lot. looking for reasons out. looking for ways things were wrong, in which the only solution could be giving up. i guess that's been the problem all along. there wasn't any strength for fighting. i should've seen it coming.

and i really don't believe permenance or lifelong commitment makes a difference. if you don't have the strength now, what makes you think you're going to have the strength then? it's not about perfect situations or perfect people. its about the way you face adversity. things will go wrong. they always do. welcome to the human condition. welcome to a world fallen to sin. i'm realizing what truly matters is how much you are willing to give and how much you are willing to fight past the bad things. it's the only way you could ever truly make something meaningful. something perfect. because in the eyes of evil, perfection means pushing past the bad things, overcoming the problems, not being defeated. being stronger because of it.

but maybe it's just pride in me, not wanting to accept that i just wasn't worth it.

oh my goodness.

i had the most horrific dream last night.

don't even ask me why.

but anyway, my dream was that i had been kidnapped by this guy who was a cannibal. i was in a small square basement type place chained against a wall and there was a door in front of me, a washer and dryer to my left, some clothes hanging up on a clothesline, and a sink to my right. i don't know how he got me or anything like that, but my memory starts with him eating some human flesh before my eyes. and hes talking to me brazenly, as if we were having a conversation over dinner (which i suppose it was for him) about his mother. and how without her he never would have survived, and i thought to myself that his mother must have had some sort of sick relationship with him. and he was relatively young, i don't remember exactly what he looked like but the image i have placed in my head now is a guy with reddish brown hair, black rimmed glasses, white t-shirt, jeans. sort of nerdy looking but not unattractive. he was also a techy guy, so he liked computers and all that. anyway, so he ate this person in front of me (it was another woman he'd kidnapped) and i knew he was getting ready to eat me, it would only be a matter of time. he finishes eating and he's being super casual, he lies down on the floor, reclining himself with his arms behind his head, just talking, and somehow i get my chains loose enough to the point where i can grab the fork out of the bowl he was just eating. it was a metal bowl, like a dog dish. and i grab it and stab him in the stomach, but i'm hesitant. there would have been plenty of time for him to grab me, recapture me, stop me from what i was doing, but for some reason, i stab him in the side of the stomach like i'm not really sure i should or where or how hard or anything. and then i do it again and again, and i stab him in the neck too. yet he's super resiliant, so he keeps saying that it doesnt matter where i stab him, it won't do any good. i wont really injure him. but after i stab him in the neck i get up and go to the door (again moving slowly, not sure why) and fiddle with the lock for awhile until i can get it open. still not really a sense of urgency. and i go out into the street, all of the yards are fenced with chain-link fence type fences and they're super close together. not much room for yards, just small narrow things with fencing. i try to yell for help but i can't get anything out (as often happens in my dreams, and in real life when i'm scared, i've found out). i'm running, but not really fast, like i don't really know where to go. i'm pretty much just wandering around, half running, half walking. and then the guy eventually comes out of his house and he starts chasing after me and he nearly gets me and then i woke up. terrified, of course. scared of turning over in my bed to see a man sitting in my chair who had been waiting for me to wake up. scared that i had some kind of premonition. so, i spent the next fifteen minutes praying with my life that nothing like that would ever happen to me, and then it was time for me to get up anyway. which was fine, because i'm pretty sure i wouldn't have been able to sleep after all that.

so i spent most of the morning trying to figure out what i would do if i ever really were in a situation like that. try and be sneaky and escape? i'm not a good sneaker and when i'm scared my fear paralyzes me and i can't do anything. try to win the guy over so that he would agree to make me his accomplice and then i could get free? but what if he made me eat my toes or something as a sign that he could trust me? would i eat my toes? ugh. sick. wondering if i would just die from fright. i probably would. probably have a heart attack and die. being scared to death is an actual thing.

yuck. creeps me out so bad. i hate evil things.

in more uplifting news, rashad texted me today and said theres possibly a job opening for me where he works. you know, its the place where my idol works - my absolute favorite genius professor from college who i pretty much want to be. and the job? it would be as her assistant. sweet almighty. now there's a job i would gladly do forever. praying that they could have the funding to bring me on and make my dreams come true. okay. not the creepy cannibal ones. the ones about me spending my time around sweet people that actually care about others and can make me smarter. but maybe if i get the job she can interpret my dreams and all can be well. she's a genius after all.

there are often times over the past few months where i've thought, hmm. i wonder what dr. bell would say about this. perhaps now i will soon know.

it's horrible, the waiting.

"it is best to be sure, through and through," she says, keeping her eyes steadfastly on the girls running and playing on the lawn. "else you could find yourself one day coming home to an empty house, save for a note: i've gone out. you could wait all night for him to return. nights turn into weeks, to years. its horrible, the waiting. you can scarcely bear it. and perhaps years later on holiday in brighton, you see him, walking along the boardwalk as if out of some dream. no longer lost. your heartbeat quickens. you must call out to him. someone else calls first. a pretty young woman with a child. he stops and bends to lift the child into his arms. his child. he gives a furitive kiss to his young wife. he hands her a box of candy, which you know to be chollier's chocolates. he and his family stroll on. something in you falls away. you will never be the same as you were. what is left to you is the chance to become something new and unsure. but at least the waiting is over."

man. its like portland is back to haunt me. i got two emails from jvc and then a phone call from my director today, telling me that they would try to get me some scholarship money for the service work i completed, but i would have to be more detailed about why i left. i really struggled with trying to be as detailed as possible without going into any details, mostly because i didn't want to get the other community members in trouble and i didn't want to make it seem like the program was at fault for everything that happened. after i got off of the phone with her, she sent me another email and just offered that if i ever wanted to discuss anything further with her, she would always be available. i pretty much felt compelled to at least say something, so i ended up writing her a really long email telling her the way things went down. i made it very clear that things were completely my fault and my own actions were to blame for why i had to leave, but i also told her that i chose to leave because the community aspect of the program did not live up to my expectations, nor the expectations of the program. and that i also wasn't even in a place where i would be supported the way i needed to if i stayed.

i don't know why but i feel really relieved about this, and i honestly hope that maybe it will help shed some light on the problems i encountered with jvc, and maybe it will help them get back on the path they're shooting for. you can't have both worlds, i've realized. maybe this program will realize that too and stop trying to toe the line in trading doctrine and foundation to be relevant, attractive, and relatable.

my mom mentioned that perhaps my experience with jvc wasn't meant to steer me away from service, but rather act as a guiding tool so i can do it again and do it right. i guess i just don't know what i want to do or where i'm supposed to be. every single bit of my life's direction was thrown out the window, which is pretty terrifying. it's also pretty amazing, to think of the possibilities that now lie ahead of me. i had this life i thought i was going to be leading, a winding down into the things i craved for, everything that i had been eager and waiting to come for a long time. all that's gone, which sucks a lot, because i lost everything that i'd been waiting and hoping for, this future that i had planned in my head, and now i'm all alone, back at the beginning, but i guess it also has its blessings. because now i could do absolutely whatever i want to do, and who knows where that will take me. it's just me and god. let's make big things happen.

and my family has found a home, an actual house with a yard. i'm going to do everything i can to make sure they stay there. which is severely limited from miles away. but it's the least i can do to help.

i thought all this portland talk the past few days had been coming to rub salt in my wounds, but now i'm thinking that it's all a part of the freeing process.

the family i cared for most in portland is being evicted.

i can't help but thinking that this wouldn't have happened if i were still there, i could have helped them clean their house, get their things together, fight for them.

if i hadn't ruined everything, if i hadn't made these mistakes, these people wouldn't be losing their home. on top of everything else.

and the voice of charles harvey is in my head, saying, "i can't afford to not walk close with the lord. because when i sin, it doesn't just affect me. it affects my family and my boys and girls and my ministry and the entire world around me. it's not worth the cost."

oh lord.

days like today remind me of life.

they make me realize that today is another day that god's decided to offer redemption instead of judgment.

another day that he allows us to experience beauty, creation, freedom.

another day that we can struggle through to come to his free flowing mercy.

another day for us to offer up our prayers and thanksgiving, for he's showing his love for his created and he's giving us endless opportunity to see, to hear, and to know.

the sunshine and the warmth, life renewed is coming soon.

things that i want to do.

- make more things with my own hands (i decided i really like making baby things. they're cute and fun. and quick.)
- maybe start selling those things.
- grow a garden, with veggies and flowers.
- be more involved in local things
- travel, to europe, especially england, italy, the south of france, and ireland. (before my passport expires in 2012? goal.)
- find a refugee family to mentor in cleveland
- quit smoking, quit facebooking, quit texting. (the latter two have pros and cons. they mostly just stem from my desire to have deeper relationships and not waste so much of my time on impersonal means of communication.)
- learn how to screen print and make sweet tees
- learn how to knit and make things that aren't so hole-y.
- learn how to make jewelry.
- find a place to work that is locally owned/environmentally friendly/has good business practices. treats people with dignity. likes ice cream.
- do some bible studying with people other than myself
- find direction, get un-stuck. when i'm supposed to.

i'm on the up and up.