oh my goodness.

i had the most horrific dream last night.

don't even ask me why.

but anyway, my dream was that i had been kidnapped by this guy who was a cannibal. i was in a small square basement type place chained against a wall and there was a door in front of me, a washer and dryer to my left, some clothes hanging up on a clothesline, and a sink to my right. i don't know how he got me or anything like that, but my memory starts with him eating some human flesh before my eyes. and hes talking to me brazenly, as if we were having a conversation over dinner (which i suppose it was for him) about his mother. and how without her he never would have survived, and i thought to myself that his mother must have had some sort of sick relationship with him. and he was relatively young, i don't remember exactly what he looked like but the image i have placed in my head now is a guy with reddish brown hair, black rimmed glasses, white t-shirt, jeans. sort of nerdy looking but not unattractive. he was also a techy guy, so he liked computers and all that. anyway, so he ate this person in front of me (it was another woman he'd kidnapped) and i knew he was getting ready to eat me, it would only be a matter of time. he finishes eating and he's being super casual, he lies down on the floor, reclining himself with his arms behind his head, just talking, and somehow i get my chains loose enough to the point where i can grab the fork out of the bowl he was just eating. it was a metal bowl, like a dog dish. and i grab it and stab him in the stomach, but i'm hesitant. there would have been plenty of time for him to grab me, recapture me, stop me from what i was doing, but for some reason, i stab him in the side of the stomach like i'm not really sure i should or where or how hard or anything. and then i do it again and again, and i stab him in the neck too. yet he's super resiliant, so he keeps saying that it doesnt matter where i stab him, it won't do any good. i wont really injure him. but after i stab him in the neck i get up and go to the door (again moving slowly, not sure why) and fiddle with the lock for awhile until i can get it open. still not really a sense of urgency. and i go out into the street, all of the yards are fenced with chain-link fence type fences and they're super close together. not much room for yards, just small narrow things with fencing. i try to yell for help but i can't get anything out (as often happens in my dreams, and in real life when i'm scared, i've found out). i'm running, but not really fast, like i don't really know where to go. i'm pretty much just wandering around, half running, half walking. and then the guy eventually comes out of his house and he starts chasing after me and he nearly gets me and then i woke up. terrified, of course. scared of turning over in my bed to see a man sitting in my chair who had been waiting for me to wake up. scared that i had some kind of premonition. so, i spent the next fifteen minutes praying with my life that nothing like that would ever happen to me, and then it was time for me to get up anyway. which was fine, because i'm pretty sure i wouldn't have been able to sleep after all that.

so i spent most of the morning trying to figure out what i would do if i ever really were in a situation like that. try and be sneaky and escape? i'm not a good sneaker and when i'm scared my fear paralyzes me and i can't do anything. try to win the guy over so that he would agree to make me his accomplice and then i could get free? but what if he made me eat my toes or something as a sign that he could trust me? would i eat my toes? ugh. sick. wondering if i would just die from fright. i probably would. probably have a heart attack and die. being scared to death is an actual thing.

yuck. creeps me out so bad. i hate evil things.

in more uplifting news, rashad texted me today and said theres possibly a job opening for me where he works. you know, its the place where my idol works - my absolute favorite genius professor from college who i pretty much want to be. and the job? it would be as her assistant. sweet almighty. now there's a job i would gladly do forever. praying that they could have the funding to bring me on and make my dreams come true. okay. not the creepy cannibal ones. the ones about me spending my time around sweet people that actually care about others and can make me smarter. but maybe if i get the job she can interpret my dreams and all can be well. she's a genius after all.

there are often times over the past few months where i've thought, hmm. i wonder what dr. bell would say about this. perhaps now i will soon know.