man. its like portland is back to haunt me. i got two emails from jvc and then a phone call from my director today, telling me that they would try to get me some scholarship money for the service work i completed, but i would have to be more detailed about why i left. i really struggled with trying to be as detailed as possible without going into any details, mostly because i didn't want to get the other community members in trouble and i didn't want to make it seem like the program was at fault for everything that happened. after i got off of the phone with her, she sent me another email and just offered that if i ever wanted to discuss anything further with her, she would always be available. i pretty much felt compelled to at least say something, so i ended up writing her a really long email telling her the way things went down. i made it very clear that things were completely my fault and my own actions were to blame for why i had to leave, but i also told her that i chose to leave because the community aspect of the program did not live up to my expectations, nor the expectations of the program. and that i also wasn't even in a place where i would be supported the way i needed to if i stayed.

i don't know why but i feel really relieved about this, and i honestly hope that maybe it will help shed some light on the problems i encountered with jvc, and maybe it will help them get back on the path they're shooting for. you can't have both worlds, i've realized. maybe this program will realize that too and stop trying to toe the line in trading doctrine and foundation to be relevant, attractive, and relatable.

my mom mentioned that perhaps my experience with jvc wasn't meant to steer me away from service, but rather act as a guiding tool so i can do it again and do it right. i guess i just don't know what i want to do or where i'm supposed to be. every single bit of my life's direction was thrown out the window, which is pretty terrifying. it's also pretty amazing, to think of the possibilities that now lie ahead of me. i had this life i thought i was going to be leading, a winding down into the things i craved for, everything that i had been eager and waiting to come for a long time. all that's gone, which sucks a lot, because i lost everything that i'd been waiting and hoping for, this future that i had planned in my head, and now i'm all alone, back at the beginning, but i guess it also has its blessings. because now i could do absolutely whatever i want to do, and who knows where that will take me. it's just me and god. let's make big things happen.

and my family has found a home, an actual house with a yard. i'm going to do everything i can to make sure they stay there. which is severely limited from miles away. but it's the least i can do to help.

i thought all this portland talk the past few days had been coming to rub salt in my wounds, but now i'm thinking that it's all a part of the freeing process.