when i'm sick of fighting my demons and
tired of living in this terrible space of regret
and complexity
i realize the weight of the world
isn't everyone else
it's my own self-inflictings
i become free and alive
ready to conquer anything because
you can't bring me down
no,
you can't bring me down.

because this freedom i've found
is more than about joining another club
it's more than shutting your mouth and
not saying the things you should
it's not about pretending that the raw thing i am
doesn't even exist
because it does.
and i'm not sorry.

we're all alright.

i hate to keep saying this...

but things are so. busy.

i hardly have time to clean my room/car/dishes, or work on grad applications, or be crafty; so when i'm not sending emails/going to class/working/going to meetings/drinking beers, i'm trying to do all those other things.

it's good though! i am happy and productive. i'm doing things i care about. i'm in love with cleveland and my roommates and my million jobs and professors and everything else.

it's good.


she got
jumper cable lips
she got
sunset on her breath
i inhaled just a
little bit
now i got no fear of death.

some force caught hold of me today, beneath dark skies blowing chilly weather across the earth. thrust me into autumn-feeling, an emotion i can't accurately articulate, but one that does the strangest things to me. a sort of melancholia, but not depressed. nostalgic, but not regretful. deep-feeling. so vastly deep. a little bit alone, a little bit scary, amidst infinite possibilities. it's something about the way the wind blows, the way the night feels - noticeably absent is the electric of summer. things are becoming more still and silent. like i can feel the earth starting to hibernate.

what becomes very, very present are the memories of autumns past. as if i've re-created a scene precisely, with the same sounds and sights and smells. the time, it isn't there. but the feeling is. it's eerie and a bit comforting, unsettling. wishing and even reaching a bit for those times back, watching them fall from where they came.

and so it's long car drives, my first pack of cigarettes, colored leaves creeping along that dark, beautiful cemetery. playlists of songs only appropriate for fall weather. so many conversations about life and creation and creator. romantic feelings sneaking in, or sneaking away, weighing heavier than anything else or any other time.

winter, spring, summer memories by the multitude are blurred together by season in my shoddy mind library. but i could tell you what's happened every single october since seventeen.

every year i wonder if it's going to feel the same. and every year, without fail...

i went on a bike ride today. it was...unexplainably wonderful.

all of the crazy thoughts that run through my head, all of the distractions, the wanderings, the uncertainties and anxieties - it's overwhelming when the content of my thoughts are actually brought to my attention. the places of my mind begin to resemble a cluttered room, so when i search for something with purpose, i just end up tripping over all the junk on the floor or getting lost in something else. i weave through memories and scenarios and come across things that stop me from getting to where i actually want to me. noise. it just feels like a whole lot of noise.

i ride my bike, most of all, because it makes me feel free. it makes me feel free and connected to beauty and truth. i enjoy it because it pushes me to work harder. to discipline myself, to keep going even when it's hard. a large part of me constantly hopes this pushing myself will spill over into other areas of my life in which discipline hardly exists. there are so many similarities to pushing myself physically and pushing myself spiritually. doing things that are good for my body and doing things that are good for my soul.

today: so breathtaking. the sun shining and the temperatures just right enough to feel like autumn is at our doorstep. so as i rode today, i longed to feel connected to this. instead i found myself with a whole lot of noise. these thoughts that just creep into my tiny little brain and steal me from enjoying what i am doing. from being present. i wonder how much i miss because i can't seem to quiet my rambling thoughts.

and so i concentrated. i concentrated on the things i wanted to be thinking about. the way the light hits the tops of the trees. the road beneath my feet. the green of this earth - it won't be green for much longer. i thought about how i came to meet my creator. to be present and stay awhile in that presence.

then, there it was. a collaboration of silencing noise, of pushing myself and realizing how unbelievably amazing it feels to be alive. buzzing with electricity and feeling the blood inside of my fingertips. it was just magic. everything feeling the way it's intended to be. having direction and purpose. enjoying this beautiful place. laughing and crying and being created for love.

i just love that. these are the moments for me when everything, everything makes sense.

this evening i had the sad task of saying farewell to two of my closest comrades. it's a real end of an era, as these two special friends have been such an integral part of my life during the past years. one of them has shown me what true beauty looks like. the other has shown me courage and humor. both of them have blessed me beyond belief.

i've never met two people who are more inclusive, who delight so deeply in sharing their love with everyone in their midst. in a dark place for me, it was these two kids who came barging in with candles and  torches to light the place up. they let me confess, examine, complain, cry, trash talk, question, and agonize over and over. how they didn't get so sick of me i'll never know. but quite the contrary, they embraced my suffering and walked alongside me, lifted me up with prayers and laughter.  they made sure my bucket was filled to the brim with encouragement and affirmation. and they did it together. so many endless conversations about the intricacies of this crazy life, about beauty and truth, about brokenness and redemption - their precious companionship means to me more than i could ever express with words. being given a sense of belonging - having friends as a couple who would allow me to become the definition of third wheel, it just puts such a smile on my face. who else would let some crazy girl jump in on a road trip to niagara or hang around on valentine's day, seriously?

i know that as they begin this new, so very exciting journey together, they will continue this outpouring of blessing and love. and that makes me very glad. but the selfish parts of me want to keep them forever! they are so, so wonderful. i can't say it enough. i am so blessed!

whew. whirlwind.

all of the ways that i am so backwards and he still fills my life to the brim with blessing and love, grace and beauty.

bestowing upon me so many breathtaking moments, like fireworks and lightning, lapping water and the stars coming out, all in the midst of life-giving conversations.

like every little piece going from fuzzy to in-focus, falling, crashing into place, perfectly put together for me to dive into. perfectly ordained.

like resting beneath the city's noises, its hanging lights and encompassing sustainability, supporting things that are everlasting, with company that is everlasting - the most comfortable, beautiful, inspiring company i know.

like being given tasks and responsibilities i know i cannot accomplish with my own means, but through him, through his presence, i have faith.

like free falling into the depths of grace.

and the ways that words don't do any of these justice.

and it's home, home.

happy to have been present during the past few weeks. happy to be here again, and to be present here.

commence a whirlwind year! 

you know that feeling when you're away from home, as your journey begins to wind down and movement is in the midst, you really start looking forward to going back again and just getting home?

i usually feel this.

but today, after waking up, morning twelve of sleeping without an alarm clock, taking a leisurely walk to one of the four thai restaurants that are in a ten-block radius, enjoying a tasty meal with the company of a good book, a strong realization washed over me and stayed.

i happily exist here. its transition and change in my life has been so natural and comfortable that it feels like regular life to me. i could go on living like this.

i won't, because it happens to be about the most selfish decision i could make for myself right now, but i could. and i would love it.

i have always said, and have had numerous conversations with others about, the particular energy and vibe that is given off by this place. i cannot speak for others and their experiences in the northwest, but as for my own, i have been blessed to discover a tiny niche that exists. a group of individuals that has come together through so many different facets of common ground. a thread of communion has banded these people together strongly - this communion is based in bringing out the best in one another. it's mostly through creativity, through imagination that breeds fun. but there is such a childlike innocence to this fun - and a safe space that encompasses people to let guards down and just enjoy the sheer presence of life in our midst. time doesn't seem to be moving too quickly, and obligations are mingled into the routine with ease and joy, everything else just seems to float away. nothing is taken too seriously, and yet fun, carefree times are often seasoned with deep, meaningful exchanges. about the world and about one another. it's beautiful, and sometimes a bit messy, but not heavy or overwhelming.

i've been so angry and hard on myself, and i see how impractical that's been. how not life-giving it is for me and for others.

and my response many times on this journey, to things i know little about, to lifestyles and worldviews that look vastly different to my own, has simply been, there is a multitude of love to be given in this world.

and i mean it. i am learning to love humanity, to love people. to see others in the beat of their own journeys. and to intersect and align ourselves together for this small time.

i see life, life, life. and i have really been enjoying listening. and discovering.

a place that encompasses me in oh so many ways.
dreary to sunlit, to dreary and back again. cycles of so much.
and i am reminded, aside deep, clean waters
to go up
and up and up
until i see the picture in entirety
instead of just the dis-satisfaction of immediacies.

and those familiar refugee sounds beckon...

this is the new year.

thoughts of love.
love that i can't adequately capture in words, not some silly sentiment about romance or a new pair of shoes. this kind of love that is deep, to the core of being. love that creates, that moves and breathes and blows through our lives like this strong wind, unstoppable force. it's this love that brings people together, unifies and celebrates. it's the fiber of truth and beauty, of redemption, of all the stories we love to hear and tell. it's encouragement. the lapping of water or mountainous heights, the sun shining to create beautiful days and the way those days can make you feel - it's that love. it's the love that makes you feel happy, proud to be a human. because we are capable of knowing such love and sharing it with one another. it's a love that is stronger than death, because graves can't stop the force of this love. it's a powerful love that silences violence and oppression. it turns the enemy around. love that rescues and restores, steals the breath right from our lungs. we can do nothing but stand in awe, humility in the face of this.

we know this love.

whether we acknowledge it as something bigger than ourselves, bigger than our minds can comprehend, or brush it off as a feeling, an emotion - in the stillness of our core, it is there. demanding nothing but to offer more of itself to us. to be known and to be spread.  whether we yield to it or thrust it away from us - it's as saturating as the air that surrounds us.

and so what can i do? what can i do but drink deeply, acknowlege and yield and let it become me, that i may be an instrument, playing a beautiful, harmonious melody of this love.

i will make them one nation in the land, on the mountains of israel. there will be one king over all of them and they will never again be two nations or be divided into two kingdoms.

i have this weird pattern of feeling really, really good at the beginning of the week and then sorta not so good - freaking out about the world, etc - but the mid/end of the week. i've realized lately that it usually coincides with my own silly choices that are daily, weekly occurances. i'm going to try and pay more attention to my actions and how they negatively or positively affect my thoughts/emotions/general overall well being. seems like such a simple concept, right? and yet i feel largely like i just live my life and do things without considering how they are shaping everything about who i am. i'm a horribly impulsive creature, and moving less, stopping more is something that i really need to learn how to do. there must be some healthy balance between the two - and i am way off into mostly one direction. blerg.

in other wonderful things, alex and ryan are married and they had the best wedding i've ever attended. it was a blessing to be a part of their day. they're the greatest!

last night before bed, i heard a loud, terrible noise outside the window followed by screams and yells. i wasn't too surprised, the house on the corner always has weird, crazy happenings. but i went to the window and saw a group of people frantic, yelling and talking to one another. police and ambulance arrived and,

turns out a young girl was hit by her enraged boyfriend with his car. and then backed over. in front of their friends and neighbors. she passed on the way to the hospital. i hate to say it, but seriously. what is wrong with this world?

oh god, the ache in my heart for her.

my goodness. yesterday was the most wonderful day.

there's a place i know and on the rare occasions that i find myself there, i am overwhelmed by an encounter with the most wondrous creator. the thing is though that it isn't the place itself in which god dwells, that i could just go there and expect some sort of supernatural. a friend lovingly pointed out to me that the reason i always have these encounters, each and every time without fail, is because he's dwelling in the people who happen to be there at the particular time and moment i am having these encounters. people who are so open, so filled with the types of things that make humanity wonderful and beautiful - and because of that, i am stretched, challenged, blessed with wisdom and kindness and realizations that i certainly cannot find on my own. i am pulled more closely to my own humanness, which is precisely the intention. that's what we were made to be.

and so i am filled to the brim, swimming in abundance, pulled fervently in the direction of love. i am balanced and given a vision of myself exactly where i am in that moment - and the funny thing is that i'm always so much better off than i give myself credit for.

among yesterday's immeasurable revelations, a small one is that perfection offers no purpose for anyone or anything. messes and ugliness create purpose, spark imagination, creativity - what can we do with this mess? what can we do with this broken thing that can no longer be what it was, but perhaps could become something so much more? i think our first instinct with broken things is to get rid of them. but i've seen so much beauty come from trash mixed with a bit of imagination. and that resonates with my core a whole lot more than massive piles of discarded goods we no longer need.

especially when it's people we're talking about.

i was going to write something about particular things i'd like to be doing right at this very moment, but instead i was struck with the thought that mostly i spend many moments day-dreaming about idealistic locales instead of finding contentment in present surrounding. like for example right now (and most often usually) i want to be walking outside in the city of roses, slow and steady, admiring the blossoms and bright colors i know are there (because it's been raining every day since october); i want to be listening to the stillness in the summer's beginning. instead i am sitting on my couch in the middle of the country, where one can't really walk anyplace significant. there's nothing wrong with this moment, and perhaps someday in my life i will think back to moments exactly like this and i will long for them, aching in my heart for familiarity and a sort of comfort that is found here.

desires are funny, strange things, aren't they?

i've been learning a lot about the timing in fulfilling such desires.

and timing is everything.

so for now, i'll sit here on this couch in the middle of the country, with the ease that is home in a region that i really do love, and i'll think of another place in fondness, hoping to see open arms for me someday soon.

but not today.

caught somewhere between sodom and gommorah and calvary.
the closer i get, the harder the fall and its
a really really long way down.
and there's a big difference.
i'm thankful, more than my mind can even comprehend, to be caught by hands of grace.
we're all caught and
it's the only thing we have.
the only thing
i have.
but i hate the realization that
the path to hell is paved with...
people like me.

so i normally don't post anything in my blog with real people reading it in mind, but my church has been doing this co-exist series and one of the topics was catholicism. my pastor andy asked for some insider secrets (you know, opus dei, illuminati, anything you'd read about in a dan brown novel type stuff that only catholics know about). and anyway...i was excited for the opportunity to share my thoughts because it's something that is close to my heart - the catholic/protestant relationship is very much woven into who i am. so i wrote a lot about the things i see within the church that i wish others who know little about catholicism would understand (namely protestants, as i feel this is where the most debate and conflict against the church occurs) and also ways i continue to be moved by my catholic upbringing. andy encouraged me to share what i sent him with others as well, and since it's important to me, i thought i would.

 note there's a few tongue-in-cheek comments throughout, i'd hate for sarcasm and light jest to be mis-interpreted as insensitivity.

-         Roots and Tradition

The Catholic roots are deep, they stem from Christ. All principles the Church was founded on was established by these early church fathers. There is a strong unity that has always been present, connects a people to their past, grounded in doctrine that dates back to Christ. (While I see problem that creates – loss of relevance, things that become obsolete due to time, etc. there is still good here). There is a beauty, reverence in those traditions. There is a sacredness that is a part of the way Catholics worship through the mass. There is a connectedness to the past – I feel like it becomes a heritage. These are my people, in a way. It can be related to the Jewish faith – the Israelites were the people of God, His followers, in the same way, the Catholic Church became the universal following of Christ. Like Israelites, the Catholic Church has a lot in its history in which it has strayed from God – and those ways are still ever-present, but that doesn’t necessarily mean Catholics still cannot be considered a people of God.  (Unlike the Israelites, they’re obviously not the only people of God, but for the metaphor’s sake…you get it.) And for the Israelites, in addition to them following God’s commands (i.e. the scriptures), where they came from and where they are rooted has huge implications to who they are and where they are going.  Obviously, the rule ‘this is how it’s always been done, therefore, this is how it must always be’ isn’t acceptable, but I believe that so many things a part of the Catholic faith are really rooted in deep truths that were established by the first Christians.

Another really big thing about this tradition is that with scriptures – there have been years and years of groups of people studying and interpreting and wrestling with scripture. There is little room for anyone to completely go off the deep end and misconstrue scripture like we see happening today in areas of Christianity, because scripture study really becomes communal in the Catholic Church.

Anyway, being raised in the faith – although there are numerous ways that I felt no relevance within the church whatsoever, I was still raised with having this reverence and awe, even though I didn’t know why. I often say that in spite of my Catholic upbringing I still found Christ, because it didn’t exactly lead me there, but now that I have faith, I look back on those Catholic traditions and see an incredible amount of significance and beauty present, stuff that really is holy and good. 

Speaking of sacred stuff, the Catholics really are all about keeping things sacred – they have the sacraments, which, when understood, are really beautiful and essential to living a life of faith.

-         Confession

I know this is sort of a hot button issue with the big Catholic/Protestant debate, but I definitely side with Catholics on this one. I totally get the not believing a person can absolve you of your sins, only God can absolve you of your sins thing (and who do Catholic priests think they are, God?!), however – Christ scripturally gives us (everyone) the authority to forgive sins, I really believe this is an incredible way to keep its congregation accountable in a way that is completely confidential, unbiased, and freeing. I believe that God created us as ritual people for a reason, and he put us in community in order that we would be able to understand His character (if we had no frame of reference for love, hearing God loves us would mean nothing) and I think that there is something that happens inside of us when we can tell someone our junk, the ways that we’ve wronged one another and God – and visibly watch their reactions, hear their insight, and then audibly be reassured through one another that God does forgive us, loves us, we are absolved of our sins. I don’t think most priests I know believe that they’re given some sort of magical power to absolve us lowly people’s sins, in fact, I think they’re very humbled by it. It’s a powerful thing. And it makes it easier on people – because they don’t have to worry that someone they confide in is going to air their dirty laundry or that they’ll be kicked out of their congregation if they’re up front about the things they’ve done – priests are under such strict vows that are taken so seriously, as leaders of their church, it’s definitely a beautiful model of the head of a church taking on the sins of its congregation and presenting them to God as Christ did.    

-         Service/missions

Catholics are on the forefront of social justice – this isn’t to say that there aren’t so many protestants involved in missions, but Catholics have such an incredible array of hands and feet all over the world. I think the big difference is that (and whether or not this is a good thing is debatable) many Catholic Churches and organizations that are working around the globe are doing so with a focus of service – people who need food, shelter, care, education, etc. – while I think the protestant focus can often lend itself to evangelization, which is really good, but begs the question – it’s good that people now know Christ and can go to heaven someday, what are we doing for their lives right now?

-         Vocations

This is maybe weird, but I really, really think it’s cool that the Catholic Church still maintains vows for celibacy. I know it’s gotten sad and corrupted with horrible scandals, but I think at the heart of this, it is something really good and powerful (and perhaps why it is under so much attack?). There is certainly scriptural basis for this, and I really love the idea of a person feeling called to devote their entire life to ministry – their mission becomes their primary and only focus.  I certainly don’t think there’s one right or correct way to lead a church, but there is something about a person who feels that the best way to serve Christ is through serving His people in the same way Christ did.

-         Prayers

A very wise Catholic I know once stood up to say a prayer at a public event. Before he began, he said, “I never address the Almighty Deity in public without honoring Him first through preparation,” and he took out a piece of paper that he’d written his prayer on. There’s something to say about a prayer here and there that has been thought out, meditated on, carefully constructed – Catholics are really good at this. Some of the most beautiful, insightful, deep prayers I’ve ever read or heard have been ones that have come from Catholic prayer books. There’s a book by Brian McLaren where he’s talking about this same idea and he sort of pokes fun of how the spontaneous prayers use the word ‘just’ about a bazillion times.

-         Philosophical/theological

If I’m going to give a really extreme generalization of Catholics versus Protestants, I’d have to say that Catholics have the brain and Protestants have the heart.  Catholics are so great at the doctrine and the really deep stuff and the intellect, but often neglect to factor in the heart and emotion behind humanity – the stuff that makes us able to even know God in the first place.  Most Catholics I know that are really invested in their faith are that way because of some sort of reason or fact or truth or series of reasons and facts and truths presented to them that made sense. It’s usually not some moving, emotional experience they had at bible camp in sixth grade. Anyway, both are equally important and essential to faith.

-         Seasons

This past Easter was the first Easter in my entire life I didn’t do Catholic-y things, and my eyes were completely opened to something really awesome. This kind of goes back to the whole tradition/sacraments thing, but I realized, as I went through lent and leading up into Holy Week – Catholics totally take the liturgical calendar seriously, and they do so in such a way that they allow themselves different seasons for worship, grieving, reflection, repentance, etc (once again, much like the Israelites) and lent is the period of mourning. It’s little stuff during lent, like exiting mass in silence and reflection, removal of flowers and life during Holy Week, the re-enactment of the passion of Christ. All up to Holy Thursday – the last supper, and Good Friday, in which I have memory upon memory of from my childhood – dark church, somber music, all around feeling of sorrow, like being at a funeral. Which made me realize – mostly, Protestants are all about the resurrection. It’s awesome. So totally awesome. But there isn’t a resurrection without a death. And for some reason, Catholics really resonate with the sufferings of Christ, from displaying the crucifix in church to mourning on Good Friday, so much so that there is a really deep sort of understanding into it.  It got me thinking about rhythms and seasons and there being a time for everything – I think the Catholic Church, although subtly, really pays attention to that and allows a purpose for each season.  There’s a great deal of preparation and careful consideration that goes into everything that is done.

On the other side, I do have qualms with the Catholic Church, but it’s what everyone else already knows and hears about.  The leadership thing sort of rubs me the wrong way. I sort of understand it, and I think it’s a really good idea in theory – (having the head of a church to be the example of Christ for everyone) sounds awesome, but in actuality, gets messy and weird, because people aren’t Christ, no matter how hard they try, etc.  And the Mary thing freaks me out, but that’s sort of a personal struggle, and all I have to say in relation to Protestantism is that at least Catholics acknowledge and celebrate women in scripture. But mostly - in maintaining tradition and ritual, there’s a lack of creativity and innovation in the Catholic Church that I see and feel. So it’s easy for God to become static. Stuck in a certain place at a certain time, and that’s the only place we can find Him dwelling. I definitely can’t get down with that.  However, on a much more specific and personal level, there is life and creativity and innovation flowing through individual followers of Christ all over the world, both Catholic and Protestant. I can’t imagine what would happen if all the good stuff from Catholicism and all the good stuff from Protestantism were to morph into one. We’d have the roots and tradition holding hands with the relevance and innovation. We’d have the intellect and the emotions together.  We’d have sacredness with creativity. We’d have an amazing Jesus superpower, like when all the Power Rangers would morph into that one giant thing and defeat evil.

But I guess ultimately, just wish more Protestants would be open to seeing the good parts about Catholicism. Because there is so much good there. And there are so many good people, who are sowing seeds into the kingdom of heaven there. It seems to me that overall in the Protestant community, the Catholic Church is all evil, all bad, even the establishment for the anti-christ (which seems a bit fanatic, to say the least) and so everything about it is completely disregarded, from beginning to end. And that’s sad because like it or not, it’s where we all in this present time and place, Catholic or Protestant, came from, and it’s a disservice to us as the church to completely disregard all that. There’s plenty of bad stuff. But there’s plenty of bad stuff all over Christianity. I think we should be able to pick apart the good stuff from the bad and mix it all together into our beliefs.

so that's that. in addition to an amazing discussion that andy led at church this evening. i really love having a wonderful friend and teacher who encourages messy conversations in order to be able to work through differences to see bigger and better things, to become closer to the heart of christ. i love these things that promote growth, stretching of boundaries in all of us. i want to be a part of building bridges. because god didn't send his son to condemn the world, but to save it.

things are nutty. between helping with wedding planning and showers, associated parties, new job things, old job things, getting ready to move all my junk from one home to another, craziness trying to register classes for fall, grad school looming overhead, summer adventuring planning (which has dwindled to a mere flicker), juggling between family things and friend things and everything else things - i am overwhelmed.

i normally like being busy, but i guess the past two years hasn't really lent itself to any sort of time management or much planning beyond a few weeks. being overwhelmed probably isn't a good reason not to plan for the future, but this is sort of why i really enjoy flying by the seat of my pants. no deadlines, no time commitments. no worrying that if i fail, i'll be letting people down or seriously screwing things up. yeah, that's probably not the best. a list of things i need to get better at...

and i kinda just want to go camping.

i had a dream
that i could fly
from the highest tree
i had a dream.

something about drops of water coming from the sky in sheets so you can't see, about bright flashes of light and big rumbling noises that just turns me into a little kid again. it's exciting and scary and striking with awe and fear and everything all mixed into one.

it makes me feel alive, and i really like that feeling.

i think of growing up in muggy summer nights, ominous greens and clouds breaking at the brim of electricity. i think of bowling jokes, argument jokes, mythological tales told. the smell of rain and release, the feeling of the earth being cleansed and made new, fresh.

i always think as well of my first night in a foreign city, sleeping in a strange bed in a strange room. i think of that first night with its tumultuous storm and its thunder like i've never heard thunder before. rolling as if you could actually see it rippling through the sky, lasting and lasting and lasting. the loudest, longest sounds. i loved the sound of that thunder because it scared me, the anticipation of it coming with its blaring voice, knowing the jump you're about to have. yet at the same time, it was soothing, comforting - comforting to know that creation is powerful, and its creator. when i think of fearing i think of that kind of fear - that good kind, because it's soothing and exciting and so beautiful.

sometimes i love the way the world works.

he is our hope
he is love
he knew us before we knew ourselves
he is truth
he is justice
he is
el elyon


selah.

la la la.
i'm excited about the future.
and something about being on the up and up.

beating drums make beating hearts feel alive, and that energy is all i need, really.
oh lord, around your throne, that's a crazy big thought i can't even comprehend.
because talking about mlk and then not actually practicing what you're preaching must be the silliest thing ever;
perhaps that happened so we could see the contrast
because
are my hands clean?
and i was not made to sit
in front of a computer screen all day, it sort of crushes my soul.
the way that things pull me in and i'm invested and being invested means that if things fail, you've wasted all you've put into it. that should be okay. i want that to be okay. but just a little bit of me just wants to sit back and not have to worry about it. oh lord.
so i can do the dishes, but i can't get much of anything else right. so much for living like there's a resurrection. so much for like i want to.
are my hands clean?

you find me in the night
oh, let me tell you
you hold me in the night
let me tell you 
the sun will rise
i am lovesick
the sun will rise
no other love is destined
i will return
for my heart
to my first love
come on, ravish my heart
i will return
oh, let me tell you
to the one who loves me
let me tell you. 

like a deer pants, like a deer pants, so my soul...

i want to learn how to be in love with you.

had a wonderful weekend road trip to boston. one of the best six-hour long conversations i've had in a long time, the green of spring blossoms, stretching after being in a car for so long, the best veggie burger i've ever tasted and baaahsten accents, steveo and mare bear reunion, how much i love that guy. getting to know old faces a bit better, reminiscing, reminiscing - remember the time? getting silly and singing africa, freestyling and falling, beautiful sunshine and breezy weather that can cure any ailment, ponds and swans and the way branches bend. a holocaust memorial so beautiful, seeing baby seals for free, tasty cannolis, home made moroccan feast and some of the best food i've ever had, bellys full of mint tea, prayers in espanol, communal food coma induced naps through movies, more beautiful weather, blossoms and more blossoms, the warmth of your friend's childhood house, windy roads and long drives set to music.

so wonderful, thankful, so blessed. so very blessed.

everything else is sort of feeling like a whirlwind right now. feels like playing monster with a two and four year old, chasing around and around the house, running with feet so fast, around corners and through furniture. and suddenly we all meet, laughing and screaming and out of breath, i catch them, one in each arm, around their chests. timeout! i'll say, and we'll stand there together. take a deep breath! i'll say. and we all stop panting for a moment and inhale deeply, filling ourselves, quiet and still. we let it out slowly and then someone shouts go! and we go again, running and chasing and not stopping. but i need that moment to come, i need to be caught, to be commanded. time out! take a deep breath! to stand in stillness and quiet. just for a moment.

continuing the months-long process of de-cluttering my life, i came upon many nostalgic inducing things this evening going through junk in my room. times pass and things change and for some reason, it leaves me unsettled sometimes. silliest things like directions, library reciepts. lots of letters. remember when you said those things that are no longer applicable? words frozen in time. i have the tendancy to want to remember every little thing, even if it's not a pleasing memory. realizing that some things are good to forget, some things aren't worth tangible reminders. memory may fail, and perhaps that's not so bad.

not to mention the way i went back in time last night. so the story goes, but it won't get me down. i still know i'm going somewhere. and forward in time, not backward. realizing some things aren't good to forget.

put your ear close and hear the faint chattering of the songs that are to come.

i missed church yesterday, palm sunday. it bothered me, more than it should have perhaps, but got me thinking about this season in general and why it feels so important to me. i think about growing up catholic, about somber, solemn churches, stations of the cross in the rain, with triumphal entries and whips and crowns of thorn and darkness. images flicker through my head - doing stations of the cross every friday through lent in grade school. a snapshot scene from a movie i must've seen as a child - it's the part where pilate is asking the crowds who he should release, and they're all shouting 'barrabas! barrabas!' and there's mary, screaming at the top of her lungs, crying, 'jesus! jesus!'. or the quietness of the church on good friday, silence so thick that it could swallow you whole. heavy like fog, like struggling to breathe, like weights on your shoulders. even as a kid, you knew it wasn't the time to eat your cheerios loudly, or play on the kneelers or color in your coloring book. you didn't know why, but it was serious, it was a funeral. year after year, the same heaviness grows in the air for forty days, culminating into this one week. this one week that changed everything.

i wasn't one of those kids who got it. it took me years to know god. growing up i merely went through the motions, not because i didn't have a longing for god, but because i simply didn't know that longing existed. but even so. even so, holy week is so prominent in my mind, for its heaviness, its uncomfortability - as it should be. can you imagine that last week? so intense, the climax of christ's life - riding in on a donkey, the crowds, the excitement of it all. the disciples must have felt so cool, so popular, walking in behind jesus. there must have been intimate moments, even though they didn't know they only had a few days left, jesus knew - there must have been a closeness during those last days. jesus washing their feet, celebrating passover with them. and finally the garden, the dark of that night, the chaos, confusion, terror. and so on the story goes. i didn't get it then, but i recognize it now - i was participating in something sacred all those years. something holy - a holy story, a holy mourning, truly grieving the death of christ. nevermind the resurrection - because in those moments, the catholics got it. it's almost like they choose to forget that christ rose - they forget what's coming on sunday. rather, we're the disciples, peter, john, matthew. we're the weeping women, we're mary and joseph, and our worlds have just crumbled around us. we're standing amidst the debris, mouths open, hands at our sides - dumbfounded, confused, broken, numb. our jesus has died - and we don't know about the resurrection yet. our minds have just been scourged with horrible scene after scene - arrested in the garden, beaten by the guards, questioned by pilate, more beating, more questions, the heavy cross, the dusty road, nails, tears, brokenness, death. i can't actually say i know what that would feel like - what it would feel like to stand by as your entire world crumbled around you. but i've had some awful times, mornings you wake up and for a few seconds, forget that everything is hell. and then you remember and it's a stomach dropping moment, having to remember it all over again, trick yourself into thinking maybe all the bad stuff isn't real. i bet it felt a lot like that. for two days, it felt like that.

and so although i now live most of my life in the middle, not quite catholic, not quite anything with labels - holy week. holy week, i want the dark church. i want the heaviness in the air, the frightening silence, the feeling of chaos. i long for those traditions. i can't quite explain why. it just feels right to me. i want to walk that story, to live it, know it. i want to grieve. because yes, christ rose, but for two days, he didn't. and for two days, those followers knew what it would feel like if he never had. and although it's good again, although it gets better than ever before, i doubt those followers ever forgot what those two days felt like. and that's a part of our story. it's a part of our story that i don't want to forget either. because what's resurrection without death?

the weather's nice, and out of hibernation brings back those high soaring birds, majestic and regal. they're flying to remind me: up and up and up. because i have a bad habit of turning my telescope into a microscope.

like a bowl of oranges.

it only feels like a game if you're letting yourself be moved, rather than doing your own moving
rather than going back and back to see a bigger picture
rather than having a consistency.
instead of letting the way you feel on any particular day dictate your relationship with the creator of everything
those little eyes can see.
and sometimes it's okay to fake it til you make it.

i just want to learn how to praise endlessly.

a bit torn about the way things are. it feels like instead of my perpetual one step forward, two steps back i've now graduated to two steps forward, one step back. which is progress, but disappointing progress at that. and i see that slow and steady path, i see my calm, calculated steps, like a chess piece gliding across its board. i hate when it goes from carefree and good to feeling like a game with rules that are hard and fast, no room for bending. i usually find solace somewhere between the grey and the black and white, if such a place exists. but lately i've just been feeling stretched out along the two, the difference between stones and branches. trying to break things that don't, and hold things that won't.

i just want to find a rhythm, something i can move to, something i can breathe in deeply and sing to. something that is measured and contained with notes and patterns, but free enough to create a little chaos.

watching the cards fall, let's measure up to more, shall we?

the sound of rain on the rooftop.

i think we got a chance to make it right
if we keep it loose, and keep it tight.


...but where are we running to?

brights and blues that my eyes haven't seen in a good while with birds chirping, bouncing about and dreary branches shaking off their blankets and stretching their arms up high to those blues, everything coming out of hibernation. including me - three good outdoor runs this week, those mean streets of painesville have been good to my feet. enjoying the luxury of sidewalks. a week full of sun, full of activity and full of more love than i thought could come from the two little (gigantic) pooches i stayed with, cuddly and following me around every place i go. a skiing adventure with two fun guys and feeling better than i have in a very long while, feeling best. coming home to mail (my favorite) from rachael (my favorite), bringing memory after memory of so many wonderful faces that i can hardly contain my love for. aching, but it's a good aching, that comes from such fondness, from such love for those faces that are scattered far away for now, but that warm me to the soul. yes, these things make me feel and know this is a heart that is beating alive, so alive and full of life. i love that feeling. being in love with the world. this week, it's been a break from routine, from normalcy, and is it just the sun and warmth? or a combination of all these wonderful things coming together, blessing after blessing.

i'm itching for spring, itching for march, april, may. such good!

whoa, dear savior
gonna take my cares away
gonna take my cares
gonna carry my cares
gonna take my cares away.


i had a perfect day.

i was alone in the wilderness
when you showed me faithfulness


i have so much love, so much love to give.
finding solace like never before in the way the lord works everything for good. the way he works plans, the kind that aren't for destruction. saying those words time upon time before, saying them so that i would believe them instead of because i believed them. but believing them now, because what's left to lose? i've tried every way else. i'm tired of that and alive in him. the one who calls us is faithful. gosh, isn't that just the best thing i've ever heard.

smiling, laughing. finding it. being close.

perhaps i've just been more tuned in - but the feeling of sacredness, holy things happening every place - it's striking. standing around a fire, walking up the hilly road, the way the snow has been falling for two days without stop, the soundtrack that's been present. keeps me from getting too far into these winter blahs. but for one second, i just want to play outside in my bare feet, really...

march is nearly here.

i was up high, above white, fast and freeing - with wind blowing faster and colder, stinging my face like i've not felt before. it was there i felt alive, i felt something i cannot express with words - an ominous sky growing colder and more miserable, ready to burst forth its storm, and that moment was made for me. for me, from you, so that i may know i am free and alive, i'm not scared of anything, i'm infinite in you, i face no defeat. we are fearfully and wonderfully made, i'll shout from the tops of mountains and from the bottoms of valleys. we are here with fistfuls of dreams and longings for you, for more and more of you, reaching and stretching to give ourselves to you. we stop only for brief moments, when flesh gets the best of us and we pull back, afraid, comfort in darkness. only to realize flesh pales, dims, dies away fast in comparison to your breathtaking, torch-bearing ways.

and this heart inside of my chest, has it ever swelled so much for you? have i ever been so eager for your comings and goings inside of my tiny life? i want it - even if its adversity, even if my body aches and breaks in a million different ways, even if it means every fear and hesitation coming to fruition - as long as it means you, i want it. it's never so clear, so perfect as that - it's you.

in messy, awkward ways, in broken beating ways. in darkness, in misery and pain, in agonizing and humiliating ways. make me yours with love and grace, endless, glorious mercies.

thankful for these eyes you've given me to see your beautiful sights. they're nearly too much in these moments. as you hover close, i close my eyes in the midst of so much love.

i'll have words someday soon, but until then it's mostly these songs. a few were inspired by my southwestern friend who has impeccible taste and likes to share. pretty sounds, aches for springtime.

help me to learn that my ways aren't as high as your ways.

spent my valentine's day getting coffee with darja, crying my little eyes out (full on, sobbing in my car while driving) over a beautiful story heard on vinyl cafe, realizing how much i hate getting gas (it means i should stop driving/having a car i think), sharing a delicious meal with one of the bestest human beings in the world: rashad, visiting with refugees for about a minute, and hanging out with the only couple that never makes it awkward.

spent my pre-valentine's day, among other things, watching full metal jacket right before going to bed, followed by a terrible dream in which most people i lived with in a fictional house were brutally massacred by two crazy guys. yep, awesome.

but things are good. we are blessed.

after all these years, mewithoutyou. i recently read a post i wrote about them a really long time ago where i said i liked them best because "i feel like this guy isn't bullshitting me". that's what it is, most of all.

i like this poem.

and i like to imagine what a hammer sounds like against a giant pane of glass inside of the dead stillness of night. shattering. i see the swing and the hard metal hitting its invisible barrier, pieces of glass suspended in the air for moments of time and scattering, scattering, that cracking and loudness and crashes, crashes, hitting one another as they fall and...it's beautiful. it gives me the chills.

i'm not sure how i feel about much lately. it's a lot of mental working throughs. it's sort of a loss of words, not knowing what to say. but i guess it kind of sounds like glass breaking. 

"Each of us should embrace our own personal story and bring it to God to see what He will do with it. The good news is He will give us grace that will have the same impact as if we had never been broken."

some thoughts on the idea of damaged goods.


beautiful days, good friends, gracious god. i couldn't want anything more.

trying to recall the times this week that i experienced god.
under dim lights, tucked into a corner amidst conversation and words i had to hear, because i forget so quickly.
in a circle with prayers, lifted upwards for selflessness, dying. messy and hopeful. eager eyes, open wide.
running, running, running.
sounds that make my soul burn.

i really like this, especially the guy that really likes it in the video. and its like they're all sitting there and thinking, i know! there aren't any words, but we all know how this song makes us feel, especially at this moment in time right here. it's unbelievable! but mostly that guy. i just love that guy.

everything we put ourselves into should be for the discovery of the kingdom.
- an idea taken from night trains in thailand, beautiful. as i remember, i ask: is everything i do, seek, emulate - for the discovery of the kingdom? for the relevation of christ's love? is it for others, to display god's glory? hardly. most things are self-seeking, self-glorifying, for my own gain, for what i feel i need to do to be more interesting, more attractive, more in love with myself. it's disgusting, how many things i do/say/think out of love for myself.

that dying to yourself thing has taken me on much deeper of a journey than i ever realized when i first heard it four years ago. obviously i need to make it go deeper. much, much deeper.

how can you rid yourself of bitterness that's long set in? that's been rooted, a part of who you are for most of your living years? when it's the same old story, when the thing you need the most is the thing that doesn't exist, when those deep questions of your soul have gone long unanswered, with no resolve in sight?
no one's ever said the words you needed to hear...say them, please?
get behind me...

some lately inspirations:

the cinnamon peeler
gosh, the passion in this
a delightful song
or two
the way the wind blows the snow in twirls and dances
african faces
the hopefulness of blooming trees, green grass, bird's songs, dead coming alive again - resurrection.
and this prayer:
"for this reason i kneel before the father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. i pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his spirit in your inner being, so that christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. and i pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of god."

although i know it's playing tricks on me, i was struck suddenly last night with the feeling of the coming spring, brought on by the warm, gentle breeze that accompanied the evening. feeling the seasons is so weird, like nostalgia. and even in january, stale life peeks its eyes open, for just a few moments, to remind me what's coming, and what it feels like. it's surprising and familiar, something that cannot be realized until it's reminded us. yes, that's what you feel like, spring. i'd nearly forgotten. and my mind flashes with a dozen early spring nights just the same, melting snow, thick air, fog all around. that sensation hits me hard every time, insists on reminding me of its seasons past. sometimes it's so strong it feels like deja vu.

but don't worry. it will be winter again by the end of the week.

past few days have been fulfilling. great community, great blessings, great god. i've been working out solid for the past two weeks now, which is good. really good. i feel outstanding. it's amazing how many things we don't realize affect how we feel. like exercise. and not having smoke in our lungs. i want to train for this triathlon i found in september, as a reward to my body for quitting cigs. i've also cut meat out of my diet again (mostly, except for the bacon i had the other night that proceeded too many drinks) and although i've never been super hard and fast about that, i'm finding a new appreciation for tofu, and working at a restaurant where everything can come veg, it's not as hard.

while at first glace it sounds (and i sometimes feel) these things are superficial, my intentions truly lie within the discipline. in needing so much discipline spiritually, i can only hope that practicing it physically will encourage me further, and help fuel my soul forward. it's the only thing i need anyhow.

thinking about how much love i have for those little kids i babysit for, how much i miss my morris friends, how my heart goes out to so many people and places and things right now.

favorite memory this moment: october mornings, wrapped in blankets, hot cup of tea, morris porch, sight and sound of birds on the wires and in the trees. if i close my eyes, i can almost feel those mornings exactly.

ever since my house burned down, i see the moon more clearly.

oh my goodness, i've forgotten about this.

www.ashesandsnow.com

visually breathtaking, and the most amazing beautiful written word. ah yes.

do you know where the inspiration to wash the feet of the twelve came? do you understand that, by love alone, your god became your slave in the upper room?

teach me love like that.

where've i been lately? i sometimes can't believe how quickly time moves things along, yet emotions make things seem like they will be the same way forever.

in reflection, 2009 was the best year of my entire life. yes, the best. i've never in my life experienced how much our joy is our sorrow, never have seen visually the strength in christ that i possess, never have realized more fully his outstanding grace, mercy, redemption - and the tremendous beauty that lies in each of those facets. i have never, for the past six years, been without the narrowest of tunnel vision that was the culprit to so many of my heartbreaks and wrong feelings of worthlessness, until this splendid year. i've never been so confident in who i am, in the things i want for my life, in the dreams that are mine alone. after these years of feeling so wrong, i finally feel like perhaps, maybe, i am right. it's not perfect, as nothing is, but i'm also realizing how the deep-seeded things of me still need to be worked through, and they bear challenges i'm finally more than willing to face head on.

my cousin said something beautiful last night about the season of preparation. that's here, it's where i am.the past months have been a struggle for me, being ready and willing to start on adventures and excitment and things of the like, simply because i am restless, because i am scared, because i am uncertain. but i realize more and more that there is a purpose for here and now, and it is really exciting. there are certain steps i know i must take in order to get to other places. that is what this is for.

this year i will use the determination i have to build the discipline i lack and accomplish the things that are essential to my being, to my soul. i will master and overcome the things that hold me from more.

it's been twenty-three years, i'm eager for a change.

recycling old thoughts, part 1

 i think it is very interesting, the way that we're creatures who resort to things of the past when our lives are unpleasant. the things that once made us smile and laugh, the things that filled our life with comfortability and completeness. and it amazes me, the way we'll go back to that one song, that one place, that one person, searching for a feeling of the past, and yet become dissapointed when we can't get it back again. as if going back will ever help us move forward. and realizing that there was a reason, in the first place, we'd moved on. we grow up. grow out of our old skin. change and change. things won't ever be what they once were. but most often, that is a very good thing.

ride out the storm, take on the wave
don't run, run, run.
wind's gonna blow, and the ground's gonna shake,
then it's gone, gone, gone.

song lyrics, meh. how lame. mmm but this is so passionate and sweet-sounding. hi january, when did you come on so quickly? can't believe its you again. and i've never felt so uncertain, so passionate, i've never felt so young. it seemed at that instant, i remembered the things i forget when i'm jaded - the things that inspire my soul. i'm thankful for at least that reminder. things have been fleeting faster and faster lately, leaving me just as quickly as coming about. and i'm left with fingers-wrapped, around hours and minutes and moments that are just stuck inside of the way that time goes. but here, i know all the things i think i want at any instant couldn't hold a single small flame to you, to your raging bright forest fires of grace and mercy. i miss you. i may have a bad memory, but i never forget how much i miss you when you aren't around. when i'm not around. oh big heart.

if i ask you tenderly, will you follow me down to the river?