i've felt...

a lot of things lately, i suppose, but the looming feeling is unease. maybe someone else should be in charge for awhile, because i don't feel very qualified. most of me feels like a snapshot - i'm five or six, dressed up in adult's clothes. you can practically hear the thumping of nearly hollow shoes on the floor that swallow my feet right up. my arms are lost in the lengths of a sleeves-too-long shirt as four tiny pale fingers have found their way out of the tangled fabric just enough to hold up the waist attached to a flowing skirt. billowing across the floor, long past forgotten knees and ankles and everything else. there's a hat, all askew atop of my head, swallowing most parts of my face as it falls in every direction. my other hand is reaching through all that extra blouse, pushing the giant hat up, just enough to reveal a smile and a look that's caught in between being joyful and concentrating hard to navigate through chaos. i'm perpetually at that state of nearly toppling over, as i try to keep all my pieces in tact along the way.

but, largely, just unqualified. the more i feel like i'm supposed to be becoming refined, wrought with life experience and maturity, more appreciative because of a deeper understanding, the more i just feel like i'm becoming calloused. callousness won't get me anyplace worth being. perhaps i should just go make a snow angel and remember that it's good to be hopeful and have eyes fully capable of seeing beauty.

If we want to be agents of change and love, we must become what Switchfoot frontman Jon Foreman calls "a ruthless idealist." You see the world that you want to live in and you live it out. You live as if that world has always been possible. Where love is the highest goal. Where grace restores. Where transformation is a daily way to live. Where passion for the love and redemption is the reason we breath. 

i've been accused of being an idealist a time or two, or thousand. maybe my filter isn't so skewed, after all.

nights like tonight, restlessness is at it's best.

i'm nostalgic and longing, for something i've had before and haven't found again yet - what's it called?

something. something. new, but it's old, maybe it comes and goes, maybe i only feel it through hindsight.

and stop it, we weren't meant to move backwards, suck it up - but just for a moment, could i please wish time to go the way i want it? i'd pick out stars in pennsylvania - not for the company, just for the feelings, the infinite in those moments. and laughter resounding against train's walls, loud and free, spirit filled. nights in the eighty-seven living room, the quiet connection of togetherness. sometimes i hate this big heart.

uncertainty.

after sleeping on a futon mattress for the past six weeks - bed, i do not take you for granted.

i'm no longer taking anything for granted about this place.

it's home, it's a luxury - one that i won't always have. one that i'll probably choose to leave eventually. and in all my restlessness and my itches to fly, it's really great here. i'm soaking it all in.

it's never an empty house,

always someone to eat with, talk with, play with,

fight with. there's that soft warm glow

of life greeting at the doorway, the smell

of seasons and home-cooked meals,

the smell of love.

it's a place to be naked - that is,

completely comfortable

within your own skin

to laugh, cry, yell

to talk aloud to yourself,

to sing horribly off-key while washing the dishes.

no one here cares

what your voice sounds like.

this place

is a place worn from life

its holes in the carpet tell stories

of feet dancing across the floor

and bodies sitting around a fireplace,

a christmas tree, a birthday child. 

they tell stories of existence.

no other arms extend

as widely as these walls stretch

wide and wider still

for me to sink

and breathe

and be wrapped in home.

i'm heavy inside of my chest.

i've been reading a lot of anti/pro pornography/prostitution feminist literature the past few days, wow. it's heavy stuff. i took this brilliant philosophy class my senior year that dealt with all these sorts of topics, namely, linking pornography to intimate violence and oppression toward women. being against pornography as someone who is a follower of christ and raised within the confines of western christianity is a given, something on the list of ways to define christianity. but i want it to be more than that for me, i'm not just blindly following some sort of legalistic structures because i'm told to, or because something is just morally wrong. god doesn't make commands that have no meaning - the bible speaks of purity and opposing sexual immorality for a reason, and i think many of those reasons lie with anti-pornography feminists, as seemingly ironic as it is (being that the generalized projections of feminism and christianity rarely hold hands). but i think that's silly, and being pro-humanity, and pro-justice, we are strong allies. i believe in seeing a better world, and i believe the things they say about pornography to be truth. that it's, on the whole of things, violent, brutal, de-humanizing towards women and children. that it enforces a misogynistic world, as covert or overt as that may be for each of us. i do, however, understand the dangers that go along with censorship, and the damaging effects that legislation against pornography and prostitution could have on women's rights and women in general. i also believe with all of my heart and soul that another world is possible. and another way is possible. it's not action, redemptive violence. it's also not pacifism. it's a third way, the way that jesus used - it's creativity, imagination, ringing in a new way of doing things. 

i imagine jesus suggesting for porn what he suggested about the oppressive roman rule to the jews: if someone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles. under roman rule, civilians were required and would be (sometimes brutally) forced to carry soldier's gear and walk with them for one mile. it was an assertion of authority from the romans, a reminder of who's in control. here, there was a clear distinction being made between dominant and subordinate. so this law allowed roman soldiers to force a civilian (read:jew) to carry his gear for one mile, but only one mile. any further would be seen as cruelty, and a soldier charged with forcing to someone to carry his stuff for over a mile would be in rebellion of the law. so when jesus tells the people they should carry packs for two miles instead of one, is he just being the kind and generous jesus he is? is he telling us to help people more, to force ourselves to be more selfless? sure, maybe. but given the context and the law of the roman rule, telling people to carry packs two miles is telling them to break the law. he's telling them to do something that is actually pretty badass. his message says carry the pack two miles, because when you do so, you change the power structure. the dominant soldier is now the subordinate. if he doesn't get his stuff back, he could lose his job. and maybe, just maybe, you'll force him to confront the conflict and messiness of this ridiculous power struggle in the first place.

jesus isn't here physically to come up with awesomely brilliant plans like this, but he gave us as followers of him the authority to do the same thing. and i believe at the heart of jesus, nothing was ever a moral issue, it was never an agenda or a plan for control. rather, and at the dismay of many, it was a humanity issue. it was about making the world a better place to live in - the place that god intended. it was about bringing the kingdom of heaven - that is, everything good, beautiful, fulfilling, right - to earth now.

"We have given the pornographers far too much power to construct our sexual imaginations. It is our world, not theirs. It is our world to take back. This is not just about taking back the night, but taking back the whole day, taking back the culture's imagination, taking back the way we see men and women and sex. If we do not, I fear that the light inside us will dim. Our hopes and dreams will be increasingly shaped by the pornographers. And our hopes for a desire based on equality, maybe even the dream of equality, may not survive. I am afraid of that.

We all need to work to make sure that does not happen."

 quote from robert jensen, who i am rapidly starting to adore. the article this came from is here. he co-authored a book called pornography: the production and consumtion of inequality, also wonderful.

the other night after church, i had a beautiful conversation with lovely people, all of whom encompass so much wisdom and intelligence. i left feeling so refreshed, like i had been breathing in clean air. it was a delight.

it got me thinking about faith things, about things like 'being saved' and only reading one specific version of the bible, or handing out tracts to strangers in order to invite them to christ. these things, all in all, feel so wrong to me. there's something deep inside of me that tightens up and presses in, causing me to hold my breath for fear that if this is the truth, i don't think i can stomach it. and so i create within myself mini-crises, because i worry that what i believe is wrong. i worry that seeing god everywhere is a cop-out. i worry that believing in rescuing people from their own hell now isn't as good as rescuing them from the idea of an eternal hell later on. i worry that selflessly serving others is just an after thought, rather than the forefront of following christ. that maybe the forefront really IS just getting people 'saved', making sure they're going to heaven.

but then there's this feeling i get when talking about the things i really believe to be true about following christ. that love really is the law of the land, not justice on people that we think are 'sinful'. that god really is everywhere, and he calls over and over and over for selfless service. not for bible tracts. that following jesus is about the here and now first, not the distant afterworld. and it's not an emotion that i feel, or a longing for these things to be true. it's something that resonates deep in my core, in my soul, that shouts a resounding yes. these are the things we're meant to live for. these things are truth, and nothing else really matters.

i hope i never become so legalistic that i miss out on the way god moves through the branches of the trees.

so like everyone i know, i've gone and jumped on the glee bandwagon. a little late, maybe, but i've now caught myself up to present speed. and at first, i couldn't understand what everyone's, including my own, fascination with the show is. yes, it's quirky, and cute - but it sort of reminds me of old after school television (like the tv adaption of clueless), or it's a little bit reminiscent of ugly betty, which i guess was/is a popular show, but only appeals to a few. everywhere, everyone i know is talking about glee. my intelligent, snarky friends love it. my friends that i would expect to like it, like it. my mom loves it. multitudes of both male and female friends love it. my pastor loves it. i simply couldn't understand this phenomenon. it's a whisper away from high school musical, throw in a few adult references and zac efron may as well be the star. the storyline is mostly predictable, the characters are stereotypical and politically correct, and there aren't any big named stars - not even underground big named stars, as the show's fallback. so what is it?

i'm still not entirely sure. all i can reason is my own love for the show. it comes because i am cheesy. and easily entertained. and maybe, (mostly) it's because i can live vicariously through the girls on the show who have amazing skills - something i always dreamed of in high school. having a pretty voice, being the star of an actual, live show - that would have made my life in high school. so maybe that's it, maybe that's what it is for everyone. there's a little bit of something for everyone in that, being able to live vicariously through these high school kids, the things we weren't able to do in high school, or the things we did that just weren't cool. making things like band and chorus socially acceptable. making being in a wheelchair okay, getting pregnant in high school okay, having a developmentally disabled person become a cheerleader okay.

so with all things that i read too deeply into, i'm hopeful with a show like this. what if this influences kids in ways that we were never influenced in high school? to allow kids to break from their rigid social roles and realize that's not how it is in real life? could you imagine the amazing things that would ensue if children were pushed to follow their dreams, rather than the dreams of their parents or the dreams of what is socially acceptable? it would be unbelievable. it's okay to know yourself. to learn how to be comfortable in your own skin. to stand up for your beliefs, values, interests, for yourself - and not be ashamed of what others think. and i'm hoping that's the underlying message glee is trying to send. i'm hoping, even if it isn't, that's the message that gets sent anyway. because it's a good one.

a few tumultuous weeks. world-class traveling, gma on the rocks, late nights, a little bit of going back in time, even.

i'm hoping to stand on solid ground, for a short time anyhow. cleveland's been so good to me, like the way a mattress sinks and confroms to your body falling back, welcoming me, healing me, sitting with me. but soon, i can feel, i need to make my peace. i guess i've been feeling this way for awhile now, and certainly voicing it - although there's been no clear direction behind those words. but the past month(s) have changed perspective on many things. my intentions for cleveland, my planned purposes for this place, the things i saw in here - they don't stand in front of me anymore. it's like i just keep stepping back and back and back, and the scene gets bigger and bigger as things that used to be so close and huge to me become smaller. wow.

so i got over this thing. it was a pretty big thing, with really deep roots, that i knew were deep, but they were infinitely deeper than i thought. and getting over it, maybe that doesn't seem like a huge deal to anyone else. but to me, it's everything. it's probably the biggest thing i've ever accomplished. it's so unbelievably remarkable to me. this new found clarity, this leaving of an incredibly ambiguous time in my life, that's huge. i feel like i can actually do anything i want to do. that's reality to me now. i spent a really long time being almost there. now i'm there.

it's exciting. i feel relaxed in a way i haven't in a very long time. and i don't need to leave cleveland, but in a way, i do. it represents a lot of the past, where i was going, thought i wanted to go. but there are new things. the stepping back and seeing the bigger things that were before, beyond my vision. and i have big dreams.

"This isn't about you-- as selfish as that sounds. It's about me. It's about all the shit that I dealt with and I didn't deal with. But in any situation with long love, I don't think it ever really goes away fully. You just sort of learn where to keep it."


what happened to me?
rooms are spinning and making me dizzy
the last of the last frays
could pull together any moment and re-collide.
or could be cut off
for good
and who knows?
who knows but time.
and i have more than this to give,
more than this to offer,
i'm sorry
i always sell you short.
the only thing that exists is
right now, right here.
that's scary and comforting all at once,
how am i supposed to know any better?
it's so funny, not like that
that this isn't about that
odds are, odds are.
and we
have no
idea.

we took the long way round
when you took my hand and said "it's
just a little bit
just a little bit further."
and in promising,
will we get there soon?

i peek with the tiny,
tiny circles inside of my head
that see and know, navigate
through the sparkle and shine in them.

see trees, climbing higher
and higher and higher to the skies
with branches reaching out to hold
me, cradle me under the stars
do these trees know the long way round?

they see colors, deep, rich -
glorious.
colors that are visible
but words can't capture
colors that
steal breaths away from chests.

"don't be scared of anything,"
you say, and i want
i want to believe it.

but the night stars - sometimes
not bright enough to shine
comfort on me.
and the trees, they whisper
sometimes to me
too faint to hear their secrets
but loud enough to worry.

the reds and blues
greens, yellows have put on
masks of black
and i
can't make out faces
only shapes.
it is dark and i am

holding your fingers tighter still,
holding your words
waiting
for just a little bit
just a litte bit further.

so i was reading a stuff christians like post about 'this is weird, but...' moments with god. some things were just crazy. crazy! it's funny because i've been struggling a bit lately, with seeing the direct hand of god in things, mostly feeling defeated. reading the old testament, it's hard not to see god as very legalistic. and me, someone who has never been good at following the rules, i feel like maybe i'll just never get it, i'm going to keep being stuck in this rut forever. creating horrible patterns. i wonder how much i'm changing, growing, being good soil. my desires are there, they're really there. but i often lack the follow through, the put-togetherness, and sometimes i think, just the stuff that it takes. i know i can't do it by myself, but i also believe that god requires a true effort from us. and i wonder, what if i don't even have that in me?

but then i remember that i had a 'this is weird, but...' moment with god once. he revealed himself to me in the realest of ways, he called me, sought me out. and if i didn't have what it takes, he probably wouldn't have wasted his time. i don't think god usually wastes his time.

sometimes i get caught up in this image of god that is hard or cold. an image of god who doesn't particularly like me. who's kind of sick of me. so i am thankful to remember that our creator cares about us. he saves us, looks out for us, loves us. and it makes me want to emulate that.

speaking words that don't really matter, because i don't know how to form the ones that do.

so usually when i use my laptop, it is on top of my... LAP. yes. this is how it's supposed to be, no? they wouldn't call something a laptop unless whenever you wanted to use it you were lying in bed with it on top of your lap.

after doing this for years, lately i've been wondering if i'll develop cancer of the stomach, or thighs, because laptops have a lot of chemicals, don't they? am i getting all that nasty stuff into my body?

ohhh, but it's so comfortable to lie in bed and type. so much better on my back. such a dilemma.

when you think you should speak -

you probably shouldn't say anything at all.

my new favorite thing is looking up etymologies.
which led me to stumble upon this, and it made me giggle.

"The expression [the shit hits the fan] is related to, and may well derive from, an old joke. A man in a crowded bar needed to defecate but couldn't find a bathroom, so he went upstairs and used a hole in the floor. Returning, he found everyone had gone except the bartender, who was cowering behind the bar. When the man asked what had happened, the bartender replied, 'Where were you when the shit hit the fan?' "

words are fascinating!

It's the first day of spring
And my life is starting over again
The trees grow, the river flows
And its water will wash away my sins
For I do believe that everyone has one chance
To fuck up their lives
But like a cut down tree, I will rise again
And I'll be bigger and stronger than ever before

For I'm still here hoping that one day you may come back
For I'm still here hoping that one day you may come back

There's a hope in every new seed
And every flower that grows upon the earth
And though I love you, and you know that
Well I no longer know what that's worth
But I'll come back to you in a year or so
And I'll rebuild, be ready to become
Oh the person, you believed in
Oh the person, that you used to love

For I'm still here hoping that one day you may come back
For I'm still here hoping that one day you may come back

sort of obsessed with noah and the whale right now. i recall hearing them in portland, and promptly forgot about them until driving with darja the other day. they are beautiful and brilliant. they have a new cd that doesn't come out until october sixth, but some of the songs are listenable online. like this song. it's my favorite. i can't wait to get this album. i'm very excited. and very in need of autumn sounds. which is ironic, since the album is called the first days of spring. hmm. bad timing.

i wonder about many things.

i love ann lamott:

you've got to love this in a god - consistently assembling they motleyest people to bring, into the lonely and frightening world, a commitment to caring and community. it's a centuries-long reality show - moses the stutterer, rahab the hooker, david the adulterer, mary the homeless teenager. not to mention all the mealy-mouthed disciples. not to mention a raging insecure narcissist like me.

she's so beautiful.

i also love autumn. more than anything. it's a wonderful time with vibrant colors that speak into my soul. i love its smells. i love the way it feels, its crispness enveloping me and the way darkness begins to creep into the daylight. the way that darkness brings about a feeling of numberless, anything's possible thoughts. i'm usually restless, but autumn nights make me so itchy for adventure i can't even stand it. i love, and despise, the way that this season fills my nostalgia bucket to the brim, spilling over. drops and drops of meaningful memories. it takes me back to days of high school, and the youngest of loves that created crippling depression and mountains of glorious growing and learning. i recall visiting the darkest hours of night in my first moments of being completely independent, the freedom and loneliness that was discovered there, revealing itself through deep, emotional writing, feuling my love for these things. i remember restless night time drives to no where in particular. a playlist i made that made me feel infinite, listening to that playlist under golden branches. i think of leaves falling on lakeview and fumbling to describe the notion that is my god. and always, at the forefront of my nostalgia, is evening through the hills of pennsylvania, more stars than black sky, balto, feeling infinite on the brooklyn bridge, electricity inside of a subway car, and innocence.

significance always occurs in my autumns. i'm eager for this time.

i want to meet someone who sees beauty in places i see it. because it's big and it's indescribable and it's just so...

you know?

sunday evenings have come to be a renewal.

this is something i haven't experienced in years. once there were days when i looked forward to sunday evenings more than anything in the entire world. it was a wonderful time in my life in general. i think it was more carefree. i was filled with a lot of hope. god was opening my eyes to about a million things at once. there was still an innocence (naivete?) to growing. and sunday nights, they were priceless.

the past few have been this way. mostly because they've been filled with really inspiring conversations. they've been filled with jokes and laughter and really beautiful worship, really beautiful words about god, and lovely, wise people who have spoken into my life. one exchange in particular was someone who, upon telling him that i had been an art history major (which i always follow with, yeah, ya know, so i won't be doing anything with my life), said, "no! don't say that! there is a reason and a purpose for you being in that place and going through all that and having a degree in art history. and it's good. so don't knock it."

i really appreciated those words. i think sometimes i put myself into this wrestling match, between the things i genuinely enjoy and the things that i think i'm supposed to be doing as a follower of christ. my art history classes taught me so much about beauty, creativity, passion, politics, religion, the indescribable relationship between our souls and our minds, the way that emotions can transcend and speak through visual mediums, the way that people are just so absolutely amazing and fascinating creatures - there were times in class that i felt like i was learning, discussing, seeing something so sacred. and so i wasn't taking a biblical history class, or a social justice 101 class, but i was learning about god. i was learning about the way he's made our souls. and i'm realizing how much that isn't worth trading for anything.

so admist this wrestling match, i've been thinking, man. i need to do something that will matter. maybe i should go back to school and get a nursing degree. that way i could really help people. but i stink at science! i'm terrible at it and i'd have to work really really hard learning about things that i just don't really enjoy, because i feel like i have to do something that is meaningful. something that i can tell people about and they will really think i'm doing great work. work that is empirical. it can be studied and tested and the results can be produced. there will be no doubt that i am following christ. but i think, instead, i'm learning what i'm not called for, and what i think i am.

the things that allow me to see god in profound ways are incredibly abstract. they're in ways that the english language does not have words to describe. the things that light up my soul and make me jump for joy are things that are beautiful and creative. these things make me feel a sense of purpose, a sense of oneness with the spirit. i believe the key to what i was made for lies inside of these places.

so, i guess i don't know exactly what it is i'm looking for, but at least i can stop trying to feel like i have to do all of these things i think are great in my mind in order to claim i'm following christ. because following christ doesn't always mean saving people's lives. it's also about finding new and creative ways for god's glory to be revealed in this place. it's about making sure all that glory is attributed to god's beauty and creativeness. and it's about taking a step outside of the proverbial box and seeing that creativity is good. and holy. and is made in the image and likeness of god. the created creating because their creator gave them the ability to do so. we have these things inside of us, we don't always understand them, we certainly can't describe them, but we know they come out in the most profound and incredible ways. if you only tap into that kind of freedom. it's beautiful. and i want to experience these kinds of things for the rest of my life. and i want others to experience them too. it's what we're made for.

so, popular culture is not anything that i ever want to be saturated in, but it sort of just seems to happen that way. the unprecedented event of the evening - kanye's shocking display at the vma awards, which i did not even know were on - was bombarding the vast masses of social networking. and me, being the curious controversy lover that i am really wanted to know what happened. so i saw the video, and then directly proceeded to be swept away by all that junk for the past half hour or so. i had several revelations - including how shockingly staged everything seemed, and how pretty lame all these music videos are in the first place.

one in particular got to me, it was taylor swift's video for the song that she won the award for. the one that clearly outraged kanye - which was ridiculous anyway, because he said that beyonce had one of the best videos of all time, and maybe i missed the creative music video train, but all she was doing was dancing for the entire video. anyway, that's not the point i was getting to. so this taylor swift song is essentially your classic she's all that move - with the cute, drama free girl made to look nerdy, and the adorable quarterback with his mean, skanky girlfriend. so there's this theme that the video is centered around - the nerdy girl and popular guy living across from each other, and sometimes writing signs for each other to see. so she has this sign that says, 'i love you', which she never gets to hold up because he always closes his blinds right when she's about to (of course). while i'm watching, the montages of dorky band uniform girl and cheerleading captian girl, scantily clad outfits and tshirts with cardigans, and the tension with this guy, the whole time i'm thinking, poor dorky girls of real life. because this is not how it works. the captain of the football team will never want to date you. and once you get a little bit older, you'll realize you wouldn't have wanted to date him anyway.

i understand, i'm judging through a very stereotyped filter, but that's what the premise of the video is in. i do suppose in some anomalous situations, stuff like this happens - but clearly, not the message taylor swift is sending to our tweens.

so anyhow, i'm watching the video, thinking the whole time, this isn't real life! stop putting these awful false notions into girls' heads! let them find their own identity and boys who will appreicate them for who they are! and then, of course, at the end, she takes off her nerdy glasses and shows up at the dance wearing this amazing dress and looking beautiful - and the popular guy leaves the mean girl and goes for her. i'm thinking, this isn't right! real life never happens like this! these poor girls!

but all of a sudden, she holds up the 'i love you' sign she'd written before but didn't get to show him...and he takes a folded piece of paper out of his pocket and holds it up - and it says the same thing. he loves her too!

cue my heart melting. i was so mad at myself. but ohmygosh it was adorable. and so i'm sick to my stomach with all the false realities but at the same time wanting so badly a cute romancey thing like that to happen to me and thinking, what the heck is wrong with me?

this crazy, backwards culture and its messed up notions of things like love and reality. but i feel like this is perpetually my place, being appalled and disgusted but a product of it at the same time. opposing everything it stands for, but still becoming enthralled and wrangled in at times. and desperately wanting to rid myself of it completely, but having that be virtually impossible, because those smoke and mirrors are so fancy. and those bright lights are so enthralling. and so the muse's song calls be back, caring for things that don't matter, storing in my heart things of this world and not of the one i really belong to. it's a tension i feel so strongly, a tug of war, but i'm not on either side, i'm in the middle, getting sloshed around in the mud, with no side ever fully claiming me. and no one can serve two masters, but that's often what it feels like i do. i'm free in christ but still voluntarily enslave myself in these ways. i cling to these ideals that aren't real life, real love, real sacrifice, real relationships, real community, real moments in time...that do nothing but create falsehoods upon falsehoods. and it's humorous, but really just sorta sad when we get to the heart of it.

especially when as i've been writing, i've been thinking about how i want to watch the michael jackson tribute they did. i'm a silly girl with a silly torn heart. with flesh and a soul. with only one that really matters.

had the wildest dream last night.

i went to this place, it was somewhere in the southwest. let me preface this by saying a few months ago i had a very aquatic-themed dream, where i was at this aquarium type place, except the building itself was more like a workout gym and there was this very large pool/tank with maybe walruses or some other large weird animal like that inside of it that i had to swim through to get to this walkway to cross over this body of water...okay it was just weird. i have a lot of water dreams. whatever. anyway. so. i was at that place again. it was near the painted deserts. except instead of being a combination gym/aquarium, it was an eatery. and a petrified wood storing company. because they were hauling countless chunks of petrified wood. the stuff was everywhere. so, i hung out, decided i wanted to leave. instead of driving though, i was walking back by my myself on this weird path with a cliff next to me. i went back and forth a couple of times - as in back to wherever our car was parked, because it had magically teleported to a far away parking lot instead of where we drove it up to right in front of the building. so don't ask me why i walked back and forth a few times, i just did. but finally, there was this long line of people walking back on the trail. and there was one part that was really narrow and crumbly, and i had no trouble getting through it the previous times, but this time, i was terrified to cross it. my dad was behind me, and another male who i can't recall at the moment, perhaps another young family member? one of my cousins? not sure. as well as a long line of people also waiting to cross. and, it was dark. pretty dark. so i couldn't see very well. so eventually, we realized there was another trail about five feet underneath the one we were walking on, and decided to use that one instead. cut to movie theatre. i was there with someone used to date, but we weren't dating in the dream, just seeing a movie together. and we were watching this film that i happened to be really into, may have been a foreign film? so i had my feet up on the seat in front of me, per usual in real life, but this time there were people in front of me and they got angry and started shooting me dirty looks for having my feet up. i think one of the girls turned around and told me to stop it. then, someone from their group came back with his mac laptop and said, "i'm pro-choice and this is why." and he showed me this short little blurb, i dont remember what it said, and some weird graphic design he made that looked a lot like that fetus sigur ros album cover. it was around this time that i realized he had approached me because i was wearing this black pro-life supporting hoodie. (what?! its so strange.) so i then gave him my real-life shpeal about why i was pro-life (i'm glad my values stay true in the sub-conscious) leading into a discussion about feminist history and the like. it was around this time that the guy i was with started getting really angry. he kept making really annoyed gestures and told me that if i wasn't there to watch the movie i should leave. (i love how things are so blunt in dreams.) i told him that maybe he should leave. i recall saying distinctly, "why don't you just leave? seriously, leave. no one wants you here. you should just leave." anyway, that went on for some time, and i must have ended up leaving. because the next thing i know, i'm finding my car in a parking garage. i caught some teenage kids (two boys and one girl) red handed breaking into my car. told them to give me all my stuff, they had tried putting my ipod into my iginition (seriously, what?) and were saying they didn't really take anything else. well, i ended up starting the car and driving off while they were still in it, one boy and the girl jumped out but the other kid was trapped driving with me. so then i was driving around a lot, in a place that looked very similar to the abandoned industrial parts of cleveland. i don't really know what the kid was doing during this time, i just remember driving down a bunch of roads and not really knowing where i was going. but eventually i started threatening to drop the kid off in really bad parts of town, specifically one place that was a brick road which led through a tunnel. he eventually started being really inappropriate and must have gotten out. i continued driving. that was the end.

i woke up trying to figure out if i'm crazy or what.

i say worlds like
adventure
exploration
experience
and what i'm really trying to get at with them can't be adequately described in words.
because my restlessness doesn't come from being in one single place for too long. it doesn't come from lack of things like adventure.
it comes from this desire to experience things i've never experienced before. to encounter people i've never encountered before, to learn from them, to grow with them, to see who they are. it's in moments like this that i feel alive.
it's in moments that just do not exist in words. i cannot tell you what it feels like. i don't know where to find it. but i'll know, i'll know it when i feel it. i'll know it when i find it.

prayerful sighs. lift these upward.

stuff christians like:

Apparently, in my heart, God is still up in heaven keeping a massive list of things that count and things that don’t count. He’s Santa Claus and I’m a kid trying to hide the pieces of a broken vase under my bed in the hope that they don’t count. Christ’s death must not have been enough, because in my mind, there are still two lists going.

Let’s lose the lists. It all counts. If we could have been saved by a list, God wouldn’t have sent His son, He would have just given us more paper and pens so we could keep better lists. It has to count or Christ’s life doesn’t count. The grace, the mercy, the deep, beating heartbeat of hope from Christ beats loudly because it does count. The gap between me and God was wide and dark. But it was crossed.

i love the portrait of christ i can see.

it's been some time, writing wise. partially because the d and e keys fell off of my keyboard, or were rampantly pulled off of my keyboard in attempts to remove the debris that had been hindering e key's performance. long story short, d was in the wrong place at the wrong time, thus getting lifted as well. and since apparently laptop keys aren't like real keyboard keys, and since apparently i didn't know this, i can't get them back on for the life of me. and so i type away, having to perfect my typing aim with farewelled friends d and e, or what's left of them - little nipply nubs. it's a rough world.

in other news, my time has been consumed with lost - and my addiction not for fictional sci-fi mystery shows, but for being able to watch a program consecutively from the very beginning whenever i please. someone at hulu is out to steal my productivity. i mostly wrestle with "i shouldn't be doing this, it's such a remarkable waste of my time". yet still watching. faults.

and oh, hi clarity. i'm really grateful you decided to join me here, because things were getting a little hairy without you. i know i should be humble. but seriously? i saw that coming from a mile away. so i'm still moving, but now farther and faster, because i'm realizing the things i saw in my head and the things that actually exist weren't really ever aligned. i guess i'm just an optomist like that. or delusional. but the one who calls is faithful, so these realizations are coming at the time they're supposed to come. and i'm just meant to bask in the season i'm in. i'm getting someplace, i hope.

asking, always asking what's next. praying for more direction. lots of time on my hands. needing to be more creative, learn how to make more stuff. we'll see how that goes.

progression.

seriously! hawks! what the heck?!

so many sides to consider.

strange thoughts on the long drive home tonight, wondering always what the future holds. trying to let go of my own selfish ambitions, yet struggling with this desire to be satisfied. i don't really know what's what.

i'm happy with where things are now. i think about the past year of my life, a whirlwind of change and chaos, a time that can only accurately be described as messy, and i'm so grateful for right now. for beautiful realizations and for once, i am actually celebrating the change. because it's brought me into so many wonderful places within myself. and, i feel, for such a long time, my prayer had been, let me be this. let me be that. my prayers were so focused on this great change i wanted inside of myself, to be better at things, to be less and more of things, to be this girl in my head who's actually getting someplace. i've realized that this whole time, that's what's been happening. and boy, i sure know i've slowed down the process, some life lessons i wish i would never have to learn the hard way. but wisdom's funny like that for some people, and likes to take its time getting acquired. and i am not wise, i am far from it. but i am now on a conscious journey to seek it out, to gain maturity and understanding, to foster these things within my self and continue to grow and grow and grow and bloom.

i really wish to grasp my identity in christ. to solidify it. that is my goal. i have big dreams. they can only come into fruition through patience and selflessness. after all, it isn't about me.

slavery

she possesses various names, but one reality. she has many appearances, but is made of one element. in truth, she is an everlasting ailment bequeathed by each generation unto its successor.

i found the blind slavery which ties the people's present with their parents' past, and urges them to yield to their traditions and customs, placing ancient spirits in the new bodies.

i found the mute slavery, which bind the life of a man to a wife whom he abhors, and places the woman's body in the bed of a hated husband, deadening both lives spiritually.

i found the deaf slavery, which stifles the soul and the heart, rendering man but an empty echo of a voice, and a pitiful shadow of a body.

i found the lame slavery, which places man's neck under the domination of the tyrant and submits strong bodies and weak minds to the sons of greed for use as instruments to their power.

i found the ugly slavery, which descends with the infants' spirits from the spacious firmament into the home of misery, where need lives by ignorance, and humiliation resides beside despair. and the children grow as miserables, live as criminals, and die as despised and rejected non-existents.

i found the subtle slavery, which entitles things with other than their names - calling slyness intelligence, and emptiness a knowledge, and weakness a tenderness, and cowardice a strong refusal.

i found the twisted slavery, which causes the tongues of the weak to move with fear, and speak outside of their feelings, and they feign to be meditating their plight, but they become as empty sacks, which even a child can fold or hang.

i found the bent slavery, which prevails upon one nation to comply with the laws and rules of another nation, and the bending is greater each day.

i found the perpetual slavery, which crowns the sons of monarchs as kings, and offers no regard to merit.

i found the black slavery, which brands with shame and disgrace forever the innocent sons of the criminals.

contemplating slavery, it is found to possess the vicious powers of continuation and contagion.

slavery will remain slavery in all her horrible form, even if she calls herself liberty.

khalil gibran

tonight upon getting home from work and subsequently getting directly into my bed to be lazy for the rest of the evening, i heard a rumbling of chairs coming from downstairs. my thoughts went directly to, 'someone's throwing a tantrum.'

that's because everyday at my job, someone gets upset, and this getting upset usually works itself into the throwing of chairs. thus, apparently, now, i hear loud noises of furniture and think children are throwing chairs.

some days have been better than other days - like, for example, my first day, one girl tried to attack another and yet another girl broke her one of her cds and wanted to cut herself with it. my second day, i watched love and basketball, bend it like beckam, tyler perry's i can do bad all by myself, and the soloist. first day = bad day. second day = normal day. and i have never watched so many movies in a row.

it was interesting, my first day - all the crazy things were happening and my adrenaline shot through the roof, my immediate instinctual reaction was to run and hide, to get away from the situation. this is obviously not my job. my job is to stop the bad things. so while all this was going down, and i'm panicking and fearful and all that, i'm thinking to myself, oh my gosh. there's no way i can do this job. i'm in way over my head. etc etc. but after the fact, i realized, my first response to a lot of things is fear. i think, by and large, i'm a very fearful person, and it's something that i really dislike about myself. so i'm hoping this job will help to change that about me, to begin to make my first reaction to scary situations a strong one, instead of one that freezes up and gets paralyzed by the fear.

i'm trying to spend a lot more time in prayer, especially now, working with these girls - i feel like i have to walk so closely with god. because if i'm not trusting him to have my back, things will go wrong. all in all, i think it's going to be good for me. i'm hoping.

geez! one more thing.

don't doubt jesus' love just because we doubt our own.

and as much as i've grown and changed and become, i can't help but feel that little tiny feeling inside of me that reaches out for this day one year ago.



Jesus said to her, "Mary."

She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, "Rabboni!" (which means Teacher).

Jesus said, "Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet returned to the Father. Go instead to my brothers and tell them, 'I am returning to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God."

positively too many things going on all at once. new job = tough times. background: working with adolescents that have been incredibly abused and neglected. we're talking about as intense as you could get, so so so incredibly broken and fragile and just trying to survive. there's so much to it. i guess ultimately, i feel like it's in a lot of ways doing the dirty work, really getting in there and offers the great potential for me to draw closer to the heart of christ, working and wrestling with these kids who have issues i can scarcely begin to understand, loving on them and hopefully teaching them something that can change their future, even if it's the smallest way. but then there's the scared part of me, that thinks heeeeeck no, i can't do this job, i'm going to get smacked around, exhausted, emotionally drained, stretched and stretched - and do i really have the energy for this? is it really where i am called? i feel yes, it is, but that fear in me is present.

and then there's all the other stuff going through my head, who i am, who i want to become, the goals i've set for myself and all the ways i've been lazy about accomplishing those. just really being challenged to be strong in my beliefs, the things that i commit to. surrounding myself with people wh encourage me to do that, but not really having all that many people.

wrestling to solidify my identity, perpetually feeling in the middle, always in the middle. which is so frustrating sometimes, honestly. but in most ways feels like the story of my life.

i saw 500 days of summer last night, and i liked it. the overall message of the movie really made me think about relationships and reality. the movie portrayed a very realistic display of these lofty ideas we call love and fate, and really challenged my views of having a 'story' - this great fairytale-esque journey of how i found my one. that sometimes we experience these out of this world romances with whirlwind rushing feelings and indescribable moments, and we think surely, surely this must be it! if it weren't, it wouldn't feel like this! when in actuality, those intense things aren't always THE things, and real love can sometimes take a back-door approach, a love that is slow and subtle and takes its time to reach the depths, which therefore causes it to be stronger, more grounded in reality, and forever lasting. i think that realization comes out of a maturation, a gaining of wisdom, a release of childhood notions. i guess that's probably not true for everyone. but i think it's probably true for me. a letting go of my expectations, my imaginary ways of thinking, because that's always what it is for me.

i suppose i'm just constantly searching. constantly trying to discover the answers and finish the puzzle and see the entire picture, when it doesn't work like that. it'll never work like that. i'm better off quitting the never-ending guessing game. i'm usually wrong. and it's a whole heck of a lot of energy.

such a draining day.

hawks. hawks are everywhere.

so after seeing maybe, twenty hawks over a course of a few months, and never noticing things like these, i thought hmm. what do hawks mean?

this:

the hawk comes to you indicating that you are now awakening to your soul purpose, your reason for being here. it can teach you how to fly high while keeping yourself connected to the ground.

this:

the hawk teaches you to be observant and take a close look at your surroundings. it soars with the power to overcome difficult situations. it soars in circles over the life of the earth, asking you to circle over your life and view it from a higher perspective.

and this:

the hawk has keen eyesight, it is about opening our eyes and seeing that which is there to guide us.

noted.

...i drove home this evening with a watery face, big feelings about everything and nothing in particular. it always comes like that, the good realizations. i looked to my left, to that big, glorious lake and saw about a dozen sails stretched towards the sky. then those buildings to my right, this place in its entirety. i thought, oh god. i love this city. my heart aches for it. for the resurrection of this town.

the big looming question has been, where is my heart? oh lord, where is my heart? and i think i've found it - pieces of it anyway. it's definitely here, in moments like these, among this big beautiful city that i love.

but some of it is far away, in the sights and sounds and beautiful smells of that pacific northwest. with the people and places and paths i traveled there. that place wrecked my life in the worst ways possible and i still love it, more than words can describe. it's in those eight roommates who brought the worst out of me, who taught me so much about myself and forced me to grow beyond belief. who made me laugh and made me cry, made me angry and annoyed and stretched my capacity to love and to accept and appreciate living. it's in african babies with rotted teeth and dirty clothes, dirty diapers and dirty bodies who are just longing for someone to love. it's in seeing three mountains on a clear day, in the smell of big, lush and green forests with trees that stretch their arms and the wind that blows through them. it's in sitting downtown with crazy homeless folk who have story on top of story because you'll just listen. it's in bus stops and hour long bus rides, the number nine and the number four, how i hated those bus rides, but how humbling they were. it's along the oregon coast, getting stuck in the sand and jumping shots, bonfires on the beach and long conversations, watching the ocean tides rolling in. and traveling back months later for early morning clamming and to hear the roar of those waves. it's in powells and vintage stores. in train rides. in library books. in bike rides. in bridges. in big, gorgeous roses everywhere.

some of it is at my home, with this beautiful community stretching across generations, with so much love and laughter and goodness. with so much grace and compassion. it's deeply rooted in the wisdom of a feisty eighty-seven year old whose stories will entertain you for hours, whose stubbornness is sometimes unbearable, whose independence is the essence of her life and lives such a testament to strength and faith in christ. in a goofy man who knows everyone and always has a story to tell about some book he's reading, who has a passion for being alive and experiencing life. who will try anything once. in a woman, a role model to the greatest extent, who lives life to the fullest, who divides herself with so much ease among the places she is needed. who cares and loves fiercely, as if it were her only job. whose only charge against her is loving too deeply, caring too much, giving everything she has. in a teenager who is the epitome of beautiful. with emotions running high, just like they should, on the peak of self-discovery, acquiring wisdom and maturity beyond her years. a smile to make you melt. it's here i find my safety, my anchor, my faith, my passion, my will to keep going.

some of it lies with a few special ladies, ones who encourage and inspire me daily. it's in these women that i find my sanity, my shoulder to cry on, my comic relief, my companionship. my heart here is in tuesday nights with becca, of just being together, in silly inside jokes that have existed for nearly ten years. in songs with assigned parts, in having our songs. in being the kind of friends that always pick up where they left off, never missing a beat. it's in evenings out and being girly with jocelynn and catherine. in trying on vintage clothes. in niagara spending longer to get ready together than actually being out. in prayer and worship times with girls who brought me to christ so many years ago. in youth group bonds. in talking all night, taking pictures all night, dancing, laughing, being silly. these girls are driven and creative, they are filled with big, deep emotions, to love and to be loved. each of them point me to the heart of christ, the nurturing, compassionate heart of god, who desires so much to be with us. being with each one of them is like a breath of fresh air.

still, other parts are in the past, in its stories and memories that still warm my heart and bring me comfort. in dear relationships that i've lost to the tides of time. in mistakes i've made that i can't take back, the way that things change, things always change. in dreams that won't see the daylight. in ways that i'm still trying to get that heart of mine back, but haven't yet, no matter how adamantly i convince myself otherwise. and perhaps i never will, perhaps i'm not supposed to - for those ways were among some of the most beautiful i've ever experienced.

and i know there's some that i'm saving for my future, my big, vast future hidden inside the hands of my big, vast god. with purposes and plans left unknown. all in due time, girl. all in due time. he says to me, and i know, i know without a shadow of a doubt it's worth waiting for, impatient as i get.

i wonder, maybe that's the way i'll live my life. with my heart divided among so many places, wanting, wishing to be in all of them at once. never actually being able to do that.

so you see, i haven't anything to give. not here. not yet. and that's perfectly fine. that's just the way it should be, i think. i will, when i'm really ready and it's really right.

To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to.

i <3 khalil gibran.

he will make her deserts like Eden,
her wastelands like the garden of the LORD.
Joy and gladness will be found in her,
thanksgiving and the sound of singing.

release.
onward.

feeling good about things. pretty darn good.

wondering what comes next. (aren't i always?)

here's what i know now brother,
here's what i know now sister,
goes like this:
in your love, my salvation lies.

oh, so good. so good.

want some cake right now. mmm.

missing those pacific northwest friends, their smiles. their laughs.

soul's longing for big adventure.

loving on some old friends.

heart's deep and big and craving things that can't be satisfied here, now.

needs that are bigger than this place.

not selfish, made for some things more.

not of this world.

come on, let's get the show on the road.

this past, this present, this future.

nothing looks the same.

not sure where. not here.

ambiguity.

the well is deep, that water is a long way down.

how thirsty are you gonna get?

i don't know anything about anything at all.

but i know he's got plans.

i hope he's got plans.

to blow this place away, blow my mind away...

it's coming.

these feelings are too far down for it not to.

stuck. couldn't move them if i tried.

and i tried.

i can't, it can't be captured with words.

it's too much.

geez, cant stop listening to this song.

i really love live music.
something about the way i witness passion, the way i feel the energy of that soul where those words and melodies were created. i just think it's beautiful.

i've been feeling less alive in mundane moments (watching movies, on the computer, etc) and more alive in times where i'm around people who are unique and remarkable, having candid conversations about life and this glorious world that we live in. making jokes and smiling and laughing, or thinking deeply about things we'll never understand. and i realize that it's these moments i wish to spend my life inside of. it's these moments that make god real for me, a god that has nothing to do with religion or right or wrong, but is only concerned with the truth in our being and in having a soul, and in awakening that soul through these moments. because this spirit inside of me, it's fierce and passionate, and it craves reality.

i'm really trying to learn what it means to live free. i'm not positive yet, but i'm pretty sure it's mostly in these moments. such wonderful, sweet realities.

man oh man.

don't you just love him?

i think i'm too deep for my own good.
elaborate , but i don't know how.
i guess i feel like my thoughts are so intangible, more like emotions that i can't define with words.
these things leave me a bit disconnected.
i've had less to say, more to worry about, and i feel less experiencing, more existing.
i mean, don't get me wrong. things are so great. amazing, even. so says my head. but heart, where are you? are you getting any of this? are you still beating inside of my chest? it seems like you're missing. come on, catch up.
the future is bright, and blinding my eyes, it's high, it's a long way down, and i'm ready, i'm running, i'm running, but it's the pause before the descent, that moment suspended in time -

are you sure?

falling is like this...

make known to me your ways,
Lord; teach me your paths.
guide me in the truth and teach me,
for you are God my savior.
- psalm 25:4-5

i have heard your prayers and have seen your tears. i will heal you.
- 2 kings 20:5

once more will he fill your mouth with laughter, and your lips with rejoicing.
- job 8:21

these three verses are the epitome of my past six months.

i am overwhelmed with emotion when i consider that.
the specifics don't matter anymore. all of those little details fall to the wayside, because what happened to me was quite simple and can be summed up nicely. i was broken. and he fixed me. he foretold to me these three things, and these three things he followed through with. because i got lost. because i let my compass get broken and lost direction, lost sight of his guiding star. i was so deep into the woods that it took an entire forest fire for me to find my way. and that fire was so hot and smoky and painful, i thought surely it was going to kill me. and all of those trees ached as they burned and blackened and fell and died all around. trees that were sacred, that had grown tenderly and affectionately all around me for such a long time.

but they had to go for me to find my way out.

and out i found, eventually, slowly, certainly not without running back into those raging flames a time or two. trying to stop that fire with a thimble full of water here or there. looking at all of that destruction and feeling so utterly hopeless. but there it was, the path for me to follow, in the clearing i could now see it, go to it, slowly, putting my foot out at first like testing the waters of a swimming pool, so slow at first. at times, flat out sitting down in an act of rebellion, not moving a single muscle. occasionally walking backwards. but then, with each step, slow and steady, his confidence grew inside of me. those steps were long and heavy at first. but that confidence i began to find in him turned out to be this little thing he does called healing, each step a little lighter than the one before. and progression, progression, i'm moving swiftly in the direction he's leading me.

and oh, that joy. it's been so long since that joy. it's not the isolated kind, coming from a good night out with friends or a compliment or a funny story. its the kind of joy that permeates your being. the kind of joy that happens when i can't even think about almighty without being filled with emotions of thanksgiving, praise, worship. when my world is no longer sluggish and dragging, because my soul is so energized. and i'm laughing so hard. because you are my joy, you are my joy.

a snapshot: i'm taking my time day by day, enjoying the moment, sleeping less and staying in less, because there's so much to do, so much life to experience, so many things to embrace and be in love with. and i'm this new thing. i've never been this thing before! i'm looking back with these new eyes that can see nothing but optomism, because i grew and changed and learned. because i'm growing and changing and learning. and because my god took me through something big and difficult and utterly agonizing. but he's faithful, he's so faithful! faithful and there he was on the other side, and there he is, as he always was, as he always will be - with something redeeming, life changing, breathtaking.

and i can't wait for the rest.

my mind feels spastic, all over the place.
it's a good thing, mostly.
except when it comes to sitting down and trying to write about one specific thing, when there are so so many things.

like this beautiful book i just read called traveling mercies by anne lamott. her writing is like taking a deep breath of fresh air. she's so candid and has this really neat way of making all her life's experiences sound so sacred, so real and raw, so interwoven into this beautiful long story. words don't do justice to the way her writing moves.

or the way this poem makes me feel, which i found at the start of her book:

listen
with the night falling we are saying thank you
we are stopping on the bridge to bow from the railings
we are running out of the glass rooms
with our mouths full of food to look at the sky
and say thank you
we are standing by the water looking out
in different directions

back from a series of hospitals back from a mugging
after funerals we are saying thank you
after news of the dead
whether or not we knew them we are saying thank you
in a culture up to its chin in shame
living in the stench it has chosen we are saying thank you

over telephones we are saying thank you
in doorways and in the backs of cars and in elevators
remembering wars and the police at the back door
and the beatings on stairs we are saying thank you
in the banks that use us we are saying thank you
with the crooks in office with the rich and fashionable
unchanged we go on saying thank you thank you

with the animals dying around us
our lost feelings we are saying thank you
with the forests falling faster than the minutes
of our lives we are saying thank you
with the words going out like cells of a brain
with the cities growing over us like the earth
we are saying thank you faster and faster
with nobody listening we are saying thank you
we are saying thank you and waving
dark though it is
- w.s. merwin

can you feel the energy flowing through it? do those words ignite something inside of you like they do me? do you feel it? amongst every broken place, do you feel that sort gratitude in its great entirety? it's so strong and beautiful. and again, i have no words to do it justice. its just that feeling inside of me. sacred.

anyway. i didn't take away any profound sort of intellectual knowledge from this book, which often happens for me. but i feel like i was handed someone else's soul, like i made a lifelong friend, like someone sat with me awhile and stoked the embers of my spirit alive. that's just amazing to me.

facebook technologies have ruined my life, because now i constantly want to "like" things that can't be liked, and whenever i think about what's going on in my life, i do it in the form of status updates. like if this post were a facebook status update, it would read:

mary is really loving life right now.
mary hasn't felt this good in a long time.
mary loves that god is totally faithful.
mary is taking a train to portland in an hour and is more pumped about it than anything.
mary loves train rides, they're her favorite mode of transportation.
mary can't wait to go to powells, edies five and dime, the corner of morris and rodney, kateri, SE 63rd, and the oregon coast.
mary is so so so excited for surprises.
mary doesn't have words for how ecstatic she is about seeing her old roomies.
mary hopes she gets to sleep in the tree house.
mary is looking forward to hearing neighbor drew say, 'snippity dippity, y'all'.
mary is excited for the future.

yep.
that's how lame i am.
but really, it's kind of fun to do.
and man, things are just so great...

tonight i realized that i daily hide behind shame
unwilling to truly release history.
and in turn, am taking away the power of christ in my life, the profound ways that he's changed me.
because i take his love for granted.
because i don't truly believe it's the way he says it is.
because i can't just own up to myself.

but i am who i am, and these paths i've taken, no matter how broken down or beaten they were, still got me to this place. it may not be as pretty as your story is, you may doubt that i'm even here at all. but i'm here. i know it without a doubt. and i'm aligning myself with him in ways i've never done before. ever realizing my constant need for him to be on my mind, my lips, my heart. and gosh, i'm broken. but i'm alive in him which means the story isn't over yet. no, the story isn't over yet.

whirlwind is the only way to describe my life right now.
but it's the best kind, the fun kind, the nearly-summer-seventy-degree-nights kind, the staying up late kind, the new friends and adventures and things kind.

in the place i am sitting right at this moment, i have no clue what my near future will bring. i do know, however, that it will definitely be decided by next week. and i'm praying, but i don't really know what for, because like always, who the heck even knows what i want? certainly not me. christ's will and direction. that's what i want. but who the heck even knows what that is? certainly not me. not yet anyway.

but i'm feeling good. i'm feeling really, really good.

in other news, i got sent mail today addressed to 'matt cassidy' - clearly meant for me. what?! how in the world does that happen? seriously.

oh my goodness. relationships are messy.

once a priest said this in his sermon, and the way his voice sounded exasperated yet understanding still sticks with me. how hard of a time we have relating to each other, living with each other, forming bonds or not forming bonds, developing social skills with one another. if we're lucky, learning patience, humility, grace, humor, gratitude, selflessness, and boundless freedom from one another. if we're not so lucky, we can allow ourselves to become isolated, hateful, selfish, intolerant, unforgiving, hard. these things are easy to succumb to. they're easy to channel, easy to learn, easy to develop. it's the lucky things that are the hard things, the things that matter, the things that point us to a higher reality. the things that bring us to a deeper connection, a deeper self-awareness, a deeper truth. i would not know the character of god if i did not know the difference between being patient and being impatient. the difference between love and hatred. what it feels like when someone responds with a kind word instead of a cutting one. what it looks like when someone sacrifices something for me that they needed.

we are relational people. if we weren't, we would never understand lofty ideas like peace and love and humility. we wouldn't know what those things felt like. we wouldn't understand that they feel so good that sometimes it's hard to define them with words. and those things feel pretty incredible. they're hard, but if something isn't hard, it's probably not worth it.

we forget. we take the easy way. we let our own hurts and fears and pains guide our steps. and we often miss it. we miss the beautiful opportunity that has been presented to us. we lose out on the chance to stretch our boundaries of grace for one another because we refuse to accept another person's brokenness. and we push. we push and push until those hurtful feelings are far away from us. instead of learning to embrace them, using a vocabulary that includes things like 'in spite of' or 'regardless of' we send them as far away as we can. because we think our grace should only go so far. i forgive you, but i draw the line here. i offer you grace, but i'm sending it over this wall i've built between us. we all do it.

so my question is where god draws the line. where does christ say, 'i've forgiven you, but you are no longer mine'. 'i give grace to you, but our relationship, our community together has been broken'. does he? is there a day when the father has locked the doors and closed all the blinds upon hearing that his prodigal son has returned? and if god doesn't do that, if god doesn't ever stop his outpouring of love and grace, then does that mean we are allowed to stop it? does that mean the 'enough is enough' mentality is acceptable for us to use? and how is this different from giving in? being a pushover?

i want to offer endless grace to each and every person who wrongs me. because i understand that brokenness. because i know that as painful as it is, working through that hurt, embracing it, is the way to go. and so many times, it's not even that i walk away or embrace the hurt. but rather i cut off the situation and ignore it as much as i can. i let it slide. i don't actively seek for reconciliation. and i don't outright block it out of my life.

these are two ways of dealing with conflict. we either passively let it pass or actively seek revenge. jesus did neither. time and again, jesus taught us a third way to handle situations. someone smacks you? don't smack him back. don't walk away. turn to him and give him your other cheek. force him to awknowledge that you are a human being. you do not deserve to be treated this way. a solider is forcing you to carry his pack a mile? fine. carry it. carry it two miles. not because you're nice, but because there are laws against forcing someone to carry your stuff for longer than a mile. do things differently.

well thats a rambling. these things just consume my thoughts. i want to embrace pain in my life. i want to offer others a shot of redemption. i want to feel deeply and think long and hard and bend myself in ways i didn't think i would ever move.

because relationships are messy. and i could avoid them. i could avenge wrongs. but i want to learn as much as i can here about the character of god. i want to learn how to continue to send my life into a higher reality. to understand a deeper truth, to see things change and to know humility. to offer grace. to bring peace. to be christ.

something big is coming.
it's coming, i can feel it.
like i am almost to the top of a very long climb.
or at least about to come to a beautiful clearing.
we shall see.

this place isn't a place for those things.
but i am so.
i am so.
ugh.
never wrong.
you're never wrong.
wrong.

tonight i was so restless, nothing would calm me. i took a long drive on borrowed gas. i turned the music off, my thoughts and i drove down dark, curvy roads listening to nothing but the hum of my car. eventually along my drive, i came upon a million trash bags piled on top of each other that took me to a place i was half convinced i'd never see again. it felt right and even though i know it isn't, i know that's what right feels like and i know i've never felt that anyplace else. i guess sometimes wrong can be right, even when it's so wrong and messed up it hurts to think about. and i don't know where i'm going. but i know it's not anywhere easy or convenient or predictable. and it's not forced.

i'm starting to become complacent and that bothered me.
until tonight when i realized that i won't be here in this place of life for much longer.
and i was reminded that my healing process is nearly finished, if not already over.
i can feel it.
things are coming alive again.
june will bring new things.
july will bring new things.
and i will be moving forward, constantly forward, to change and growth and movement.
i won't have any time to get stuck in a rut. and i'm glad for that.

i love
the stuff christians like blog
spiritual songs that aren't 'christian'
deuteronomy
being outside
iced tea
seeing old friends
good concerts to come
family.

holy smokes.
'i can feel a hot one' by manchester orchestra is amazing.
i just keep listening to it over and over.
soooo good.

crazy weird dreams the past few nights. completely nonsensical.

excited it's may.

so i was surprised by the feeling of light last night.
i haven't felt that in a really, really long time.
mostly i've just feel like i'm a huge screw-up, i can't get it right, i'm struggling to hold on to the things i believe in. struggling to follow through. spending time in darkness.
but for the first time in a long time, i felt this crazy radiant light. i don't know if it's the company that brought it out in me, or the thoughts i've been sifting through my head, or the way the past few months have brought about the biggest transformation in every single place. the way things have changed so tremendously.
i don't want it to go away.
i want to always feel like light.

things are seriously wild. i'll never, in a million years, understand his ways.

oh hello.
i like things right now.
especially the sunshine.
and long drives with amazing music.
and things that are new.
and being outside of my comfort zone.
and friends on a porch.
and hammocks.
and the freedom found in christ.

things are strange.

they're hard to understand for someone with such a little mind. hard to grasp. mostly unreachable. like trying to see underwater.

the little boy i babysit for. he's one and he loves the dishwasher when it's open. i try and keep it closed as much as i can, but the few times i open it, he's right there, trying to climb on it or grab some dishes to play with, and i always have to lead him away and distract him with something else. because the dishwasher isn't a place for one year olds. glass is dangerous. climbing is dangerous. once, as he was getting his foot up, i grabbed him and he slipped backwards and smacked his face on the edge of the dishwasher as he went down. he got a bloody nose. it hurt really, really badly. and yet, without fail, his passion for all things dishwasher has not ceased. he's still there, ready to climb, ready to grab, even after shattering a dirty wine glass on the floor. even after the big fall.

the thing is he's still learning. he's gotten hurt and broken things, but there is something inside of him that tells him those things won't happen every time. the dishwasher is there and it's beckoning him to come and play. nothing gets in the way, not pain or being scared by broken glass. not mothers or babysitters who sternly say no. because he just doesn't get it yet.

he doesn't yet have the mental capacity to understand nuts and bolts and screws, how standing on the dishwasher door could break those things. he doesn't understand delicate glass and that it breaks if you drop it. he certainly has no grasp on gravity or the fact that climbing with wobbly legs makes him more susceptible to its ways. he will someday. but until then, he'll follow his desire to be a part of the dishwasher.

we never stop learning. just because development happens so rapidly for children doesn't mean it stops once we reach adulthood. there are things we go back to over and over again, after they scare us, cause us pain, after we're told by wiser ones repeatedly to stop - because we just don't get it yet. we don't get that it's not good for us. and we take the mystery that is the dishwasher, we let those what if questions brew in our minds, and finally we're convinced that danger is worth the risk.

until we fall again.

i've been learning a lot about trust. what it means to trust god. it means that i stop getting into things i'm not supposed to. it means i allow myself to be led away. it means i don't just go ahead and do something and hope he'll pick up the broken pieces when it's over. when god says no, he's saying no for a reason. he's saying no because whatever it is i'm trying to do must be dangerous. i may not be able to see how, but the dangers are there, waiting for me. he's saying no because he can't stand to see me hurting. because he's teaching me about being cautious. because there are better things for me to do with my time than play on dishwashers.

oh, lead me.

my heart is so very heavy.

i am astonished by bono.

god is so big.

okay. i am in love with this stuff christians like blog. clearly to the point of piracy. seriously though. i read the first part of this and i was like, oh wow. thats a super powerful statement. then i read the rest of it. and i was like, holy cow. this is so so amazing.

An act of love is amplified exponentially when it is given in response to an act of hate.

Have you ever thought about that? Have you ever thought that the greatest time to send the loudest message of love is when someone has given you a message of hate?

It's kind of counterintuitive, but it's true. When someone hates you, when someone hurts you, when someone gossips about you or steals from you, they open up this deep chasm between the two of you. They dig a canyon's worth of emotional distance, a gorge of separation that feels impossible to span.

Logic would tell you to step back from the edge of that gorge.

Rational thinking would tell you to move away from someone that is actively digging such a deep, painful expanse between where you stand and where they stand.

Reason would tell you that it's probably impossible to ever cross that distance. That years and years must pass before you can even stand on the edge and stare off into the distance at someone far away from you.

But love isn't bound by logic and ration and reason.

Love doesn't play fair and neither does God.

He calls us to love our enemies. He calls us to love the people that are far away from us. He calls us to love the difficult and the sick and the jerks. (I'm not sure if the word "jerk" is in the Bible, but I'm trusting that the Message version has it at least once.)

And the weird thing, is that I think He calls us to do that is precisely because it's the loudest way to show His love.

When you bridge a gap with love, when you step across a chasm that might have existed for decades in your family, you create a bridge that can be seen for miles and miles, generations and generations. Step out and love a close friend that's bruised your feelings and you've created an overpass on a small creek. Jump out and love an enemy that's deliberately and destructively tried to hurt everything you stand for, do you know what you do when you love that person? You create a connection that will put the Golden Gate Bridge to shame.

oh lord. yes. even if someone does something unthinkable. even if someone hurts you, your child, your friend, your family in ways that could ruin their lives. even if someone lies, steals, takes innocence, murders. even when love is the hardest thing to give. it's the only thing we're called to give relentlessly.

if that means i'm living in a fantasy world, i'm living there with christ. and that's fine with me.

so i had a weird dream last night.
crazy weird.
i was at the euclid creek reservation, although it wasn't actually that, it was some other place with a ravine-type and water. there were about fifty elephants just hanging out in the water, and tons of people super stoked about it. some woman said something to me about how they were migrating and just stopped here because of global warming, they got confused. well. elephants dont migrate.
somewhere along the way they turned into polar bears. the water turned cold and there was ice chunks in it. people were swimming/playing with them. i was wondering, 1. who would seriously be dumb enough to play with a polar bear; and 2. why weren't animal rights all over this?
anyway, i called someone who i knew loved sweet stuff and he came down, then i offered to go to his house to get his wetsuit for him so he could play with the polar bears. i watched as some guy in his wetsuit on a boogie board swam by. as i left, i went to go get my mom's car, which was parked in the st. helen's gym, where people were cleaning up from easter lunch. then i woke up.

i really really don't understand my mind sometimes.

in other news:
job applying,
quiet week,
soaking up the sun,
weekend concert,
thinking about the new things.

okay.
it's settled.
i'm going to homeschool my children.
and they won't be freaks.

that is, if i ever actually get married and have children. and don't end up a spinster.

so i just giggled really hard when shane claiborne compared the part in the bible where it talks about demons trembling at the name of jesus to the part in lion king when the hyenas are talking about mufasa and are like:
mufasa.
ooooo! say it again.
mufasa.
OHHH! again.
mufasa.
OOOOOH!
mufasa mufasa mufasa!

because that's so awesome.
and so true.
if demons are like that at the name of jesus, i should be trembling too.
all the more.

today i'm thankful for:
really good conversations
free drinks at starbucks
sushi (yummmmm!)
more really good conversations
forever friends
board games
the future.

easter things

so my family has an easter tradition.
dyeing eggs. it's pretty great.
okay. i guess that isn't so uncommon of an easter tradition.
but about ten years ago (i'm just guessing; i know it started back when i was living in chicago) my dad hit a stroke of genius and started another dyeing tradition.
i give you exhibit A:



and exhibit B:

there you have it.
so i realize this easter tradition may be a little bit, oh, i don't know. hillbilly?
but it is a tradition that i embrace and stand behind one-hundred and ten percent.
because it's just so, so, so awesome.
it's obviously already sort of lame because we have chihuahuas (seriously. who has those annoying dogs.) and they are older than dirt and have a lot of ailments and defects and what have you, but there is something about those colored tails that makes my inner eight year old leap for joy, and also laugh hysterically.
oh family quirks.

also, guess which dog i like and which one repulses me to no end.
here's a clue:really though. she's such a brat. i don't like those.

but anyway. these are the things that i find make life so worthwhile.